Finding Joy - day 1

Today I resolve to find joy in two places. Yesterday I found it having supper with the boys. We were assigning each other fake names from their favorite tv programs.

I may also start working on a new contract today, which would be helpful for my concentration. It is funny how I often long for time to just learn, but when I had it, it was demoralizing,

Yesterday I did two things: decided to prioritize my exercise over everything else and I self medicated my anger with chocolate. I'm not proud of the chocolate eating. I was trying to give it up again. It was not a craving, though, that I gave into. Instead it was searching for a way to not feel anger. I was hoping the chemical reaction would help. It did a little, but not enough to be with the upset stomach!

My right arm hurt this morning

I have been angry alot lately - angry at my kids for not listening, angry at my Mom for not having boundries, angry at my husband for not helping more around the house, angry at me for not having more grace and coping skills. Angry that the house is in a state of reno's and disarray. Angry that even without reno's, the house is never free from clutter. If I'm truthful, angry at the weather not cooperating with my desire for spring and warmer weather.

But then this morning after dropping the boys off the boys, when I got home, I realized my right bicep was sore, not a sore I could explain nor ignore. It made me realize that if I have my Dad's genes, I am due a heart attack in the next 10 years. All his siblings had one in their early 50's, Dad had his at 54. I don't want to have a heart attack. I want to stop being angry and just be. I want to let the situation wash over me and be not become emotional about the behaviour of other people or all the other things I can't control like, like the weather.

Is this menopause? I don't have the hot flashes, but I have anger.