It's only Tuesday

It's only Tuesday and I did not have anything I could bring for my lunch today and have no plan for supper. Ack.

Ok, really need to get on finding a job with reduced hours. Problem is that at my current job, my project has gone south and to leave now would make me feel like I'm quitting cause it is hard.

Phil needs more time to spend on the business in the evening so that leaves me with all the stuff to do in the house and with the children. I don't know where the solution lies - quitting work completely would make me bitter, working makes me stressed. Neither state is good for my health.

I remember when it was easier. I just want to retreat and watch tv all day - that is never a good sign.

Work and children - struggle continues

In 5 days it will be 3 months since I have been back to work. Certainly, I think, long enough to have quelled the internal struggle I have every morning and evening trying to balance work and home now that there are children. I realized yesterday that 2 hours every day are spent in transit - taking the boys to childcare then taking the bus to work in the morning and then doing it the other way round after work. 2 hours - that is crazy in a town this size. That is like what I spent in Ottawa when working at TMI when there was bad traffic. I so wish it was an option for Phil to either drop off or pick up the kids, but it would mean they either had to be at childcare before 7 AM (instead of 7:30 now) or not get picked up until well after 5 and then home well past 5:30. I can't justify getting them up earlier or having them wait so long for their supper.

Part of me knows that I need to work for my own sanity. Rightly or wrongly, my work is part of the definition of who I am. That is not to say it is my number 1 priority, but when life is rolling along and priority decisions are not required, I need to work.

Part of me hates that someone else is effectively raising my children. I have lost touch with who they are because they are both going through some changes right now. Adam has taken to hanging out in his room to suck his thumb - that can't be good. Alex needs to have more foods introduced - both variety and quantity. For whatever reasons, there has not been meals made for him lately and I don't know the last time he had protien. So he is living on formula, fruit and vegtables. As well, he should be starting to eat breakfast, but there is not time to introduce a waffle for Alex into the morning 40 min scramble that is currently part of our morning routine.

We are so far from where we thought we would be when we first talked about kids and potentially Phil staying home for the first few years. I know he feels like he does not have enough time with the children either, but it always appears to me that he chooses to not hear Adam when he is trying to talk to him or he can tune out what the boys are doing to read his e-mail or he can completely discount their food needs until it is too late to effectively do anything about them.

So where to go from here is what I need to figure out - quit completely, find a job with less hours, ask Phil to quit his job or find a job with less hours. I don't know.

Trying video upload

Writing when happy is hard

The downfall of every journal I have ever tried to keep is that when I am happy (which is most of the time) I am not motivated to write. When I am dark or trying to work through something, I seem to really want to write.

I would like this blog to be happy, not just sad or me working stuff out. So I'm going to try and force myself to write at least once a week and hopefully on days like today when I am happy the blog will have a happy post.

Alex started to crawl this week, actually on Monday the 5th. He is so excited with is new found mobility. Now he likes to crawl to someone to get them to walk him around. Soon enough he will be walking without help.

Adam has had a mixed week. He is trying to learn how to have an effective tantrum, which is tough on him. He is intersted in associating words that we print with the things that they describe, especially the engines in the Thomas story. I will have to go google to see if knowing his alphabet and counting to 39 is just where he should be or if he is ahead/behind. Regardless, Phil and I are impressed with his ability.

Welcome 2009

ok, the title has nothing to do with my post, but it is the first post of the year so I thought I should welcome the new year.

i'm cold - we have had stupid cold weather for almost a month. Like most people, I have lost my sense of humor about it. I am not asking for summer - just a couple days of -10 with little to no wind.

Of course losing one's sense of humor about one thing spills over into all aspects of life.

I have my mammogram on Friday afternoon - luckily they had a cancellation so I got in quickly. I'm sure it is nothing, but my breast is so sore. I wonder if there is anything I can search on line about muscle injuries and the symptoms.

ok, back to work.