15 mins of CBC radio

The mornings I swim, I listen to CBC radio on the way to the pool from 5:45 to 6:00. It is always off beat.

Two days ago, they were talking about SAHM who can make money by blogging. Of course I thought all day about how I could increase our income from blogging. Well, given how long it is between my posts, I can't see how I could make enough money to even buy a weekly coffee.

I marvel at the ability of people who can be prolific on blogs. The discipline to write down and organize one's thoughts has eluded me. I enjoy writing and have ideas, but I lack the commitment to write down my ideas in any coherent fashion.

Blog writers are like radio announcers with the luxury of do-overs. They seem to have endless sources of ideas that extend beyond themselves and their own life and experiences. The ideas seem to flow from them like a river.

But the struggle to write this short post drives home how I will need to keep my day job since blogging won't be a revenue source in my near future.

what do I want to be when I grow up?

I really thought at the age of 44 I would know the answer and be settled into a career path. Looking back on my work life, there have already been 3 career changes, although all 3 had a quasi common theme of technology. I find myself at the cross roads again.

I love verification, but the prospects of finding job that keeps in this same town are small. I have set an arbitrary deadline of end of Dec and hence taken the part time job as a stop gap to allow me to wait that long.

I'm good at critical analysis, programming, system engineering, project management and general management. However, I'm sure for most of those moves to local companies, it would mean being willing to start over, possibly as a junior again. Not sure if I could do it gracefully, especially if I worked for an idiot.

I spent sometime working on my resume last few weeks and it is now in good shape, but I have not sent it out yet. Hopefully I can meet with my former boss (who I would like to consider my mentor) and talk through some stuff with him next week.

What I want to try and avoid is making a quick decision and then wanting to change my mind shortly into it. I would like to try and find something that fits that I can stay with for a long haul. I would like to only have 4 career changes in my life, not more than 4.

Jacksoul

I read about Haydain Neale (lead singer of Jacksoul) passing away yesterday from lung cancer. He was only 39 and left behind a wife and child.

I'm not normally a person to grieve the passing of an entertainer I never met, no matter how talented they are. But as I listen to his music while I type this, I grieve. His music has been the sound track to many moments in my life - my refuse through bad relationships, my strength when I was weak, my joy when filled with happiness.

I only saw them perform live once - at a jazz festival in 2006, just after my oldest was born. My husband, new son and I went to the park so we could hear them perform. When I close my eyes and bring the day/evening back to my mind, my body is filled with a light, a warmth of love. In those moments dancing with my son and husband, we were pure love and Haydain's voice provided the soundtrack to yet another special moment in my life. I will cherish that memory always.

Stuff and such

Not sure where to start. It was a fun weekend with my husband and my boys. Last swim lessons for the boys on Saturday. It is amazing how much progress both made, but I would be very surprized if either choose swimming as their thing when they grow up. In a way, I hope they don't since it is my thing and I think they deserve their own path. Not worried about it all and will just be happy if they are happy.

We also went to the museum and I let my oldest have the money for the cookies. For the first time, he got to order the cookies and pay all on his own - he was so proud of himself. It was also a baking weekend and he helped me make banana muffins - again he was very proud of himself.

Today I start a part time job - there are 4 evenings of training this week and then my first shift is on Friday. I am hopeful that it buys me the time I need to either wait for a verification job or make a considered decision about changing careers. We have been on a "spending diet" since the beginning of November which has had a side effect of doing proper meal planning and eating better so we are both starting to lose weight. It is almost time to start making a workout plan since I am now feeling fit and would like to continue to make fitness gains.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

How often have we all heard that phrase? For me, it reminds me that today counts, not tomorrow. If I want to be in better physical condition, I need to eat better today and exercise a little today. If I want to have a clean house, I need to clean something today. If I want to accomplish my annual goals, I need to do something today to get there.

I find I allow myself to forget the phrase and then I find myself having a morning like this morning, which I essentially wasted waiting for something to happen later.

Perhaps I should look for cross stitched wall hangings with some motivational phrases and put them up all over our house. Or more accurately, have them on some sort of timer that when the tv has been on for an hour, the wall hangings slide into place to block the tv so I don't get sucked into watching something I don't care about. Or if I get lost in Bejewled Blitz, they would pop up on my screen to make me keep that promise to myself that this is my last game for today.

But now, I will get ready for my swim, buy new shoes and then go see a woman about a job.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I would rather look back on today as a day of activity rather than a day of waste.

Time is not on my side

I would love to write - I have things to workout and writing always helps, but it is a bit too busy right now. Hopefully I will have a good night sleep and maybe some energy tomorrow night. I don't want to let it go - I need to work it out, it just keeps coming back and my re-action is stronger everytime.

Adam has a fever, tough, so sleep may not be mine tonight - yet DH is on holidays and I am the one working and yet I will have to deal with the night waking and/or sick child tomorrow - yes, I need to write to work through how I feel.

The feeling of swimming

Last night I managed to find all the stuff I needed to go swimming - googles, suit, cap, deck shoes, pool that was open, an evening Phil was home.

So I headed off with low expectations of my ability after not really having swum since Nov 06 and great expectations of my enjoyment.

When I got to the change room, the familiar smells of stale towels, chlorine, cleaning agent and general wet stuff made me feel at home. Women of all shapes and sizes were getting dressed to either go lane swim or go home after water aerobics. I found a locker and quickly changed.

Walking out on to deck, I realized I did not know if I was still fast lane material and there were an equal number of swimmers in each lane. I chose the 2nd fastest lane and was prepared to move however it was required.

I put on my cap and slid into the water, its cool depth welcoming me home. Nervously I adjusted the goggles, took a breath, bent my knees and pushed of the wall in a stream line position. One easy dolphin kick was accompanied by a pain in my lower back, so switched to flutter kick and made my way to the top. I was swimming.

In the interest of my shoulders and back, I kicked most of the 800 meters I would swim, trying to engage my abs to do the required work, trying to find my balance point in the water. The first length I used my arms, it was as if I were a new born baby trying to figure out what the limbs were supposed to do and amazed they were attached to my body.

As the pool filled up, I was only vaguely aware of the other people, enough to avoid a collision, but not enough to be aware of what they were swimming, or not swimming. I was in the world of sound that exists with a cap over your ears and your head in a pool. Sounds exist, but with a muted musical quality.

Feeling the cool water move over my body as I propelled my way forward was a homecoming and I find myself longing for the next time I will be able to do it again.

Need Groceries

We went to Regina this weekend and as a result, there are no groceries in the house. The impacts are many:

- boys did not have any waffles or toast for breakfast this AM

- there was not enough food to have a complete breakfast for Phil and I

- there is nothing for lunch

- supper - don't have a clue

This is only an issue because Phil and I both have to work today and I'm not sure when we will get groceries.

I hate being this disorganized!

Aug 6th - 2 birthdays

Yesterday 2 of my friends had birthdays and I was lucky enough to see both of them and have a chance to catch up.

One friend is 2 years older, one is 8 years younger. The older one was a great sounding board for the relationship stuff I have been grappling with and was able to help give me some perspective and validate the way I was feeling.

The common thing with both friends is their joy in life and active life styles. They both inspire me to become active again. I want to share a birthday with them where we all have a recent race story or recent workout to recount rather than my simply listening to their stories with rapt attention.

Struggling to Focus

Wow, what happened during those 5 weeks off? I can not get myself to focus on anything - especially work.

Is it working in my bedroom? Is it wanting to to use my Mac but still not having a vpn client? Is it lack of interest? Is it an inability to grasp the language concepts I need to really dive in with confidence? Is it not being in an office environment? Is it listening to the radio/music while working?

I need to find the silver bullet solution to this folks or soon people will realize that I have not delivered and the schedule impact will be significant.

Don't let go of what sets you free

"There doesn't have to be a number (age or result) associated with doing what you love. His third-place finish on the Champs Elysees is a win for "old farts" everywhere. It is a win for every person who still dreams, still trains, still tries, and still holds on to passion and possibility.

Yes, we should learn to let go of the things that tie us down and hold us back, but we don't have to let go of the things that set us free."

The above is from Kristin Armstrong's blog on 25 July. I love the message - it makes me want to swim!!!

A good day

Today was a good day, this first day of Aug, 2009. Slept in until 6:30, then hit Timmy's on the way to grocery shopping. We rode our bikes to a park (18 km round trip) and played and had a picnic lunch. Then after naps, wii fit with Adam, a little weeding of the garden and then off to Fuddruckers for supper. We stopped at a new park (new to us, long time park) after supper and let the boys climb and play. Finally baths and books and boys to bed. They were happy boys most parts of the day and had huge smiles in the bath. So all in all a good day.

Two sides of the same coin

Last night Adam was awake until 8:30, this morning, he woke up screaming "daddy" and was insistent on having a cuddle in bed with me.

On one side of the coin - frustration that even though he has been having shorter naps and is tired, he won't even try to fall asleep at night. As well, with being back to work, there is not time for morning cuddles after 5:30 otherwise the schedule is screwed.

On the other side of the coin - he misses us a great deal during the day and has gone from 3 weeks 11/7 (11 waking hours) with Mom and Dad to only having 45 mins in the morning and 2 hours at night of waking hours. He is trying to get more time by staying up later and wants the interaction so badly he will accept the negative attention of us saying "back to bed". As well, we went from 3 weeks of cuddles on demand to very few cuddles and when he woke up from a bad dream and was offered comfort, he could not find the strength to let the cuddle go gracefully.

Does looking at the facts from one side or the other change the facts or change the things that must be done? No, bedtimes and morning routines need to be respected, but it does change the way I act in the moment. I can choose to act on my frustration or I can choose to act with firm compassion and love.

where are my tools?

If I ever wrote a book about getting married and having children at 40, I would call it "Where are my tools?" or an alternative "Do you have to breathe on me?"

Before Phil moved in, I was not the neatest housekeeper, but I could put my hands on everything I owned without issue. I owned some tools, basic tools, the kind you need around a house. I know we still have them but I have no idea where they are and have not had an idea for at least 4 years (we moved to this house 4 years ago). I think they are in the garage, in one of 10 cupboards that are inaccessible because of stuff piled in front of them. It is frustrating because so many of the boys toys need new batteries and all the cases are screwed shut and I don't know where the screw drivers are. I would love to make time to got to home depot or canadian tire and buy myself a small tool box with a few essentials and then keep it safe, somewhere I will always know where it is.

Adam woke up from a dream around 4 this morning and was quite agitated and came looking for me. He wanted to know how to get to the river, he told me he had tried to find it and couldn't. Of course, I was then awake until about 5:22 (alarm goes off at 5:30). Phil, however, blissfully fell back to sleep. But he was laying on his side and he was breathing on me - argh. I thought about getting up and moving to the couch, but if I did fall asleep, I would not hear the alarm in the bedroom. At that moment I understood the lure of separate beds - like on the Flinstones where Fred and Wilma had separate beds but yet still had a baby.

Sigh.

I love my husband, I love my boys, I love my life, but really where are my tools?

Quiet

I'm up before the rest of the house this morning - it is not too early, normal waking time, but without the alarm to wake Phil or the showers to wake the boys, they are still asleep. I lay in bed for a while, but my lower back was too sore to stay there any more.

I'm unhappy right now and not sure why. Is it that Monday I start working again and I my desk is not clean enough for me to actually work on? Is it the on-going struggle between working and staying at home with the boys? Is it the fact that the backlawn, well the whole yard really, is so poorly maintained that it is demoralizing to look out back? Is it the fact that my allergies have been in overdrive for at least 3 weeks and I can't remember the last time I woke up refreshed instead of struggling to breathe? Is it the fact that I'm 20 lbs overweight and so in active it is unbelievable? Is it that I just feel like there is no space for me anymore and wonder if I made a mistake in getting married? Is it that I miss Mike and Sam being next door and am not looking forward to living next door to renters? Is it that I did not get everything done in 2 weeks before holidays that would have allowed me to feel like I understood our finances and what our options are? Is it that I am just thinking too much?

So I sit quietly typing, listening to the deafening tick tock of our kitchen clock, scared to move, scared to make a coffee, scared to turn off the alarm system so I can go outside to weed because I don't want the rest of the house to wake up just yet.

I hope nobody reads this post, it is more than I really want to share since it is incomplete and does not capture all the joy and happiness that I have in my life, but I need to write it down to process it, to move forward.

A bad day

Today I was not a good Mom. Today I was perhaps the worst version of myself and my son, my beautiful son did not have a good day as a result. He is just trying to find his way, take control over that which he can have control. I actually don't mind, but i do mind the way in which the message is delivered - it is so whiny. Twice he has gone to bed crying and not understanding why Mommy is not smiling.

They were both on me all day and I reached my point of needing some space, of needing to be free, not for ever, but for an hour, a minute, for a breath.

Ok, we just had a hug and now it is better. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to be the Mom I want to be.

time alone

We are still on holiday in England. We have had some really busy days and some blissfully lazy days. The trip has included a trip to Cornwall, 2 trips to Thomasland, 3 trips to parks to play, a trip into Birmingham to visit the aquarium and a trip to the doctor for Adam.

While Adam has been a bit more whiny than I would like, there has been lots of smiles and laughter along the way with both boys. Phil has been sharing the work of looking after the boys needs and that has made my time fairly restful.

Today Phil and Adam are off with his Mom and Dad, Sister and her 2 children to go on an all day train ride. I am happily spending the day alone with Alex. He is napping right now, but when he gets up, we will walk to Tesco to get stuff for supper tonight and a coffee for Mommy. Then we can play and have lunch together. Oh, I think I hear him.

To be fair, it has not been a bad trip, but I am looking for to getting home next week.

Day before holiday

We leave tomorrow for our trip to England. This week we went shopping for some new shorts - it was demoralizing looking at myself in the mirror while changing. Then I went and bought 2 new bras a few days later and again, demoralizing. When we get back, I need to start in earnest. It can be small things - 10 mins of abs and strength exercises in the evening while watching TV.

Work is interesting - the potential of 6 months in Europe is interesting, but I am sure is like the lottery - likely not to happen. Then could I quit for a while and be a full time mom? Or maybe teach night school for a while and then maybe get into daytime teaching. A more family friendly job?

Quite a week

It has been a week since I have written. Since then:

- flew to Regina from Toronto and then drove home the same day with the boys
- took Alex to dr only to find 2 ear infections and pneumonia
- went to a wedding
- 2 nights debating if we should take Alex to emergency because of his fever
- Phil started back to work
- 2 more trips to doc office, one with Adam, one with Alex because of his body rash
- 2 runs and one bike ride
- bought a wii fit
- serious work on decluttering basement
- bought a MAC which should be delivered Friday or Monday
- did my travel claim and jun invoice

Hmm - all written out like that, it is no wonder I feel like I have been on the go even if I have nothing to show for it.

Best part - Alex is now feeling better and his rash is nothing to be concerned about according to the doctor.

Handing over work

Well in 24 hours I will be on my way to the airport (or may already be there, hmm, need to check my flight times).

I have lots of mixed feelings, but mostly shame at the work I will be handing over. This is not my best quality work, but perhaps I am not as good as I think I am. Perhaps this is my best, but I know that it is not good enough - sigh.

They have built a good testbench

I surprized at how demoralized David and Rob looked yesterday. They are in the part of the project that is tough for verifiers and there is a strong design personality who is a bit of an arse. They have been made to feel that their work is not good enough when in fact, it is very good.

They have built a really good, modular testbench that allows them to bring on contractors with language experience who can become productive within 10 days. That is huge. The main problem is the fact that there is one testbench and it is still evolving. So test keep breaking and there is churn. I wish they had gone with our recommendation to have modular testbenchs, but it is what it is.

So now I should be working to create a list of things I know I have not done - I will, but I wanted to read the paper and drink my coffee in peace first.

Supper with my friend

Last night I had supper with a woman who I was friends with in grade school. The last time we saw each other was the end of grade 8, so what, when we were 14? A full 30 years later we had supper and spent the evening chatting. It was an odd evening, but good. I am a person who lives where they are and I test the strength of a friendship not so much by how much we keep in touch, but on the type of conversation we have when we are face to face after a long period. It turns out she was a good friend. The years melted away and while there was some catch up talking, there was talking about how we were feeling now, what our current struggles are, what our fundamental beliefs are and how they have evolved. It was a conversation that was not just "do you remember when..."

I would love to take a page out of her book and modify it slightly. Every 6 months she re-invents herself (too complicated to explain in a few words in my blog). I will have to think about it a bit.

But today, this week, will be lots of work and I am a little anxious about this morning - meeting the xtremeEDA guys, handing over my work. It will be fine, but I just need it to get started.

Balancing work and being a Mom

Today is one of those days when the balance does not seem right. Is Alex sick? He certainly seems to be flirting with being ill. I got up with him 3 times last night for cuddles. He woke up one other time, but went back to sleep on his own. That is so unusual for him to wake up at all, let alone need cuddles.

But this AM he seemed ok, so I have taken him to childcare. He was so happy to see Anita, it broke my heart. She went on to tell me how they snuggle all the time - not realizing he does not do that with me. With anyone but me it seems. Damn, there are the tears I've been trying to hold back.

I took him cause I'm off to Toronto next week and have lots to do in the next 2 days to get ready. I hate that I'm too much of a coward to really try and be a SAHM. It seems I want it all and am having a hard time accepting I can't and a hard time living with the consequences of my decision to work, and to the decision to do this contract work.

It might just be the anxiety of the upcoming change in routine that is making me feel this way. Next friday is my last day for 5 weeks. I know in my heart I will be selfish and still take the boys to childcare for the majority of the time I have off. My justification will be that I want to really clean the house and there is lots of child unfriendly stuff to do. But tons of other people manage and I'm disappointed in myself that I can't seem to manage my time better.

How to feel like a bad mom in a few easy steps

1. Try and give your 3 year old a home haircut just before bathtime. Find yourself saying things that hurt your heart and you can't believe came out of your mouth

2. Drop your children off at childcare the next morning and have your 3 year old say "is this my home mommy?"

3. Pick up your 3 year old for his haircut at the barber (result of previous night's events) and not noticed the back of his pants are soaked with pee from when he used the potty on his own and things were not point correctly.

4. Have your child cry in the barber chair "no please Mommy, do it at home, I will be good now"

5. Bribe your child to sit still with sugar.

6. Drop your child back at childcare and then have your youngest come have a cuddle with you 'cause he thinks he gets to go with you this time, then leave both boys looking lost and confused.

Toronto - again

It looks like next week will be a trip to TO. While there is a part of me looking forward to it (and that is the part the will emerge once board the flight), there is another part of me that really really really does not want to go.

Phil has his last week of school next week and has 2 exams - his hardest module and the course the final. So of all the weeks for me to travel while he is back to school, it is the worst week. We talked it over and it makes more sense for the boys to go to my parents rather than my Mom come up.

I don't begrude my parents the time with the boys - I trust them completely. But I feel like I am shirking my responsibilites as a parent and a wife. It would be one thing if I was a single parent or our situation was such that we needed me to have this job. But I am not and we don't. I choose this job because I like it. So now my parents are having to pick up the slack created by my choice.

As well, I don't want to leave the boys - right now I am craving my time with them immensely. They change so much every day. Adam makes me laugh with his stories and his ennie meane miny moe. Alex loves being tummy tickled and eating my bagel in the morning. I will miss that.

This trip is another nail in the coffin for this type of work - it is not a good enough trade for me.

So many things - how to choose?

As I was riding home, I was trying to write a blog post in my head. I could not decide what to write about since there seemed to be so many potential topics:

- how hard the ride to childcare was this AM - a strong headwind, slight uphill, cool air temp (about 1 degree). A friend of mine often refers to the stong headwinds we always have as a Saskatchewan hill. On the way there, I was hard pressed to keep at 13 km/hr. On the way home, I was easily riding at 23 km/hr.

- how hard it was to leave the boys this AM - Alex had a meltdown over something, I'm not sure what, in the driveway at childcare. It made me feel terrible to leave him while he was angry and having a fit. When he does it a home, I don't interfere, let him have his fit and then cuddle him when he is done. But to actually leave him somewhere else and miss the calming down and cuddle bothered me. I hope it does not leave him feeling like it is not ok to be angry and to express his anger. I hope it does not make him fearful that I will leave because of his moods. This of course re-launched the whole debate in my head of should I be working or be SAHM for a while.

- how I wish the traffic lights that work on sensors had bike sensors. With out the bike carrier on the back, it was manageable to get onto the curb and push the walk button. With a bike carrier, it is not possible at most corners.

- the city is doing street cleaning in our neighborhood and had no-parking signs with the indication cars would be towed. Well they actually were towing cars this morning. I wondered what it would be like to come out and your car be gone - would you suspect the city actually did tow the car or would you wonder if it had been stolen.

In the end I could not choose so I did not explore any one topic fully and now it is time to work.

I think I can..

In university I learned that if I studied for an exam with the attitude "I can't learn this stuff" I usually did not learn it. However, if I approached studying with the attitude "I can learn this", I may not have learned enough to get 100%, but I certainly learned a fair bit.

So today I need to refocus myself on a problem I have been struggling with at work for 2 days. Last night I realized I was in the "I can't do this" mindset. So today, at the start of my work day, I want to say out loud and in print "This is tough, it will take time, but I can do this"

taking advantage of working from home

Normally I come home from dropping off the boys and head to the basement to work. After so many weeks of this, the basement now seems dark and cold and I dread going down.

Today, I am writing a document so I don't really need the big screen I have downstairs, my laptop is fine. So I decided to work upstairs in the sunshine and warmth.

I'm taking advantage of being upstairs to do some multitasking that does not happen when I am downstairs. Right now, I'm:

running a sim (to test a theory, not serious debug)
watering the back lawn
updating my blog
washing some clothes

It is too bad there is not a room upstairs that work as an office, but there isn't. I'm working at the dining room table which means that I have to take everything downstairs before the boys come home.

Oh well - sunshine and warmth are a welcome change today.

what if i were....

this morning I had a dentist appt. I knew there would be x-rays, no biggie. But then I realized I had not had a period in the last month. Intellectually I knew it was my IUD causing the lack of bleeding, but there was the irrational side of me that wondered if I could be pg again?

After the appt, I bought a test. From the time the thought entered my head until I took the test, I wondered what the impact would be of another little one.

I thought about the impact on the boys - how would they take another baby in the house?

I thought about the impact on my marraige - would we survive another year like 2008?

I thought about sleeping arrangements - would we need to move so each could have a bedroom, would 2 have to share?

I thought about what if we had a special needs baby - like before, it would have been ok.

I thought about work - one of us would have to quit working, would it be me?

I thought about the love.

By the time I took the test, I was ok if it was positive. Then the test was negative. No new little life inside me. I felt relieve but also a twinge of sadness.

Saturday morning with the boys

Today I get to spend the most of the day with the boys on my own while Phil is out of town for a meeting.  

As I write this, the boys are napping, tired from a full 6 hour morning with Mom, well 7 hours really.  We went to the park down the street, played in the back yard, went for lunch at a local restaurant, stopped at a toy store to play with the train display and then played again in the backyard, mostly making bubbles this time.  During Alex's morning nap, Adam and I cuddled, watched Toopie and Beeno, and played trains.

Before I had the boys, I knew that it would not be all laughs, giggles and fun.  But this morning was and I enjoyed it.

There is a part of me that wonders why it is not this easy when both Phil and I are around on weekends.  I think it is because of just trying to maximize our boy's happiness, we are also trying to make sure our partner is having fun.  Sometimes it is because we are resenting that it seems to have to do all the work with the boys while the other gets to do adult activities.  

Don't get me wrong, it is not bad when Phil is here too, it is just different.  It would be cool if I could relax more when he was around, but in some ways I feel like I'm still trying to learn to be myself around him instead of trying to wonder what I could do to please him like you do when you are dating.  Goodness - we have been through labour twice and a miscarriage - he has seen me at my best and my worst and he still looks at me with love, but yet I still feel, I'm not sure of the word, new or replaceable.

Ok, I want to try and make use of my last hour of their nap to de-clutter the kitchen counter a little.

The agony of learing to make shortbread cookies

My Mom was here this weekend and it was mostly good. She came up to run a 1/2 marathon. A number of her running friends also were up, but they stayed at a hotel. I am really proud of my Mom's stick-with-itness when it comes to her running. She started late in life, at 65, and loves it and the circle of friends she has made through it.

During the race, we walked to one spot and then rode our bikes to another spot to cheer for her. Then I went to pick her up - I missed the finish but she was fine. All in all the running portion and being Mom's support crew was fun for me and the boys.

Phil did what was required to my bike to connect the bike carrier and we bought helmets for the boys. Side note - Adam got his first skinned knees on the way to the bike store, poor little guy. It was fun to take them out for a bike ride. Hopefully I will be able to start riding to/from childcare most mornings. The traffic is light at the time of day and it should be fun.

So all was good until Mom tried to show me how to make her shortbread cookies. My Mom makes the best cookies - honestly, it is not just me who says so. My boys love them so I thought I should learn how to make them. Well the rolling of the dough was really the beginning of the end of our nice weekend. She showed me how to work with the dough. I was trying my best to do what she had showed me, but could not. Of course my Mom took my lack of skill on as her personal failure - kept going on about how she was not a good enough teacher because this was so easy that anyone could do it. She discounts her skill at baking and believes it must be easy if she can do it. What she does not understand is that as the person she is trying to teach, if I can't do it, there are only 2 possibilities why I can't do it:
- I'm just not trying my best (which I was)
- I'm very stupid
I tried to explain that to her, but she laughed at me, which made me mad. Then when we tried to cook the cookies, the first batch did not work. She kept saying I would be able to tell when they were done by the colour of the cookie. I could not. By now she was also frustrated and spoke sharply to me about how could I not see the colour difference - almost implying that I was lying to her about my ability to see it. At this point, Phil finally got up and got involved. He knows I can't see the difference is colour shades very well. (He learned that when we painted our first (and only) room together). It helped diffuse the situation because he could talk to Mom about the colour of the cookies, the heating of the oven, the texture of the dough etc.

It bothers me that she can't accept that she is a good cook and baker and that not every one has those skill sets. I am really good at math, engineering and technical stuff. I cook out of necessity, not love. I don't have the skills to hone in cooking, everything is a battle for me - I still measure the amount of milk I add to scrambled eggs.

The worst part for me now is that I have the boys, I don't want her running herself down to them all the time. She deserves their respect as well as their love. But if she continues to tell them she is no good at stuff, they will not respect her. As well, it leaves them with the unspoken message that unless you are perfect, your best is not good enough. I can't seem to find the words that will make her understand this. She already does it with them and the language is starting to be used by my oldest.

Argh

Not liking post baby PMS

Before I had my first child, I was one of the lucky women with little to no PMS issues - no bloating, no mood swings, no cramping. Then after my first, I noticed that I seemed to have some cramping and was a little more moody. Now after 2 and with the help of an IUD, I am like something out of a joke about women with PMS. I find it hard to believe that just having children has caused this - it likely is also a result of the chronic fatigue associated with 2 toddlers running around, the extreme change in my exercise - from 10+ hours a week with a focus on being competitive in my sport to barely getting 3 x 20 mins walks a week, the stress of responsibility and then the change in hormones.

Today was one of those PMS days - I'm so fat (I can't believe it is just bloating) that I am wearing pants that were loose at 5 months PG that are tight today, I'm angry at Phil that he did not limit the video call with his parents to about 15 mins, rather it turned into 40 mins ruining my unspoken plan of walking with the boys to go shopping (really, the boys are the star of the video call and it would have been petty to suggest Phil do the call then take the boys away during the call), angry that my computer seems to have some stupid virus, angry that I'm so very tired, angry that the weather has turned and most of all angry that I can't think my way through this!!!!

After my shower, I looked at myself in the mirror and almost just locked the door and stayed in the bathroom all day.

I just want to be normal again. I want to exercise again and I'm frustrated that for whatever reason I have not chosen to prioritize it in my life.

ARGH -PMS SUCKS!!!!

"There's a problem with me" & other cuties

Adam is starting to stall at bedtime. Well, really, he has been doing this for the last month.

For a while it was: "There's a problem with me" and when asked what it was, he would hmm and haw. Then he moved on to "I need a Mommy cuddle" - how do you say no to that? Now he is on to *needing* to use the potty - like every 10 mins. Usually followed up with a "I need a Mommy cuddle" and once in a while there is still "There's a problem with me". All in all - quite adorable.

Alex has mostly grown out of the scrunching his nose up, closing his eyes to slits and then looking to see who is looking at him. Now he is on to screaming. When he is eating and wants a drink - scream. When he is done drinking - scream. When he wants something different to eat - scream. When he wants his bottle - scream. I could continue, but it is more of the same. His screams are not long or hard on the ear. Short burst of scream and then waiting to see if something happens. It is when nothing happens that it gets funny -a few more screams, then tears, then the nose scrunch/eye close.

Both have quick laughs and ready smiles, which are constant through all these other phases. It is good that some things are constant.

Just cause I have a minute

I'm waiting for a sim to compile to see if I can figure out why the PC transaction is not being processed.

Alex is walking like a manic - he walks almost every where when he is home. Adam seems to have the hange of "owning" using the potty during the day. All in all, the boys are good.

Last night after supper, we walked to homestead ice cream for a birthday treat for Phil. Adam, Alex and I shared a cone. It was the first time Alex had ice cream and he was so excited. I think part of it was the ice cream itself, I think part of it was getting to do what everyone else was doing. He was so happy to be a part of it.

The first time Adam had ice cream was when we went to Mike & Sam's wedding, so July 2007, he would have been 14 or 15 months old. Alex is almost 14 months, so it is in the same time frame.

I know sometimes people think I am overly restrictive in what the boys get in the way of treats, but there are serious weight issues on both sides the family. I feel like I have to try and break the cycle of filling up on crap food on a regular basis. Adam does get desert once a week, and cookies here and there. Alex can now have ice cream once a week. Both boys are happy and healthy so I will continue doing what I do.

Behind on on-line relationships

I don't visit many places on line - a Mom's website, facebook and a few blogs. After being sick, I was working extra hours in the evenings last week and then we went away on the weekend so I have lost touch with all my on line peeps. I'm sure they all understand how life is and I am not worried that they will shun me when I finally have time to reconnect.

It is more than my on line peeps - it is my friends IRL as well.

I love this work I am doing, but it is so hard to shut off and maintain balance (because I love it so much). In the evenings I find myself watching the clock to see how much longer it is before start bed time routine with the boys so that I can log back into work and do some sims. The other job was so soul killing that I had no problem shutting off at night, but had a problem getting through the day.

There must be a happy medium somewhere. There has to be a job that I enjoy doing, but is not so all consuming that I feel like I'm missing out on being with my family when I am phyically with them, but mentally debugging some code I wrote near day's end.

Relentless

When people ask me what it is like being a parent, I struggle to find the words to express the totality of being parent since there are not enough words to cover it all.

This week, I thought of a new word to add to the description - relentless.

No matter how all encompassing your job may be, your hobbies may be, whatever, there is always the option of a sick day or a vacation day. With parenting, no matter how sick you may be or how much you may need a break - there are no sick days, no vacation days. (Well, I guess there are always options, but breaking up my family right now is not a viable option for me)

Everyone was sick this week and the needs of the boys were greater than ever. During the middle of the night when I so desperately wanted to sleep but was holding one of the boys, the word relentless popped into my head.

I will have to remember to use that word when my young nieces tell me they want to start families.

To My Mom

Thank you for teaching me how to be a Mom to my boys. 

They were both sick last night and today.  I spent many hours through the night holding one, or both, in dark bedrooms and bathrooms, listening to them struggle with breathing and swallowing.  I spent most of the night on Adam's bedroom floor, his fevered little hand clutching mine.

I thought of all the times in my life I have been sick, and even now, my Mom is there for me.  As a child, it was letting us sleep in their bed (poor Dad was kicked out), it was hours of being held, it was our favorite foods for meals, it was never having to say when I felt bad and needed a cuddle, it was her looking at me and knowing.  As we got older, it was having a bed made up on the couch and the treat of a new book to read, or a new activity book or a magazine.  Now as an adult it is being my Mom over the phone and giving me the the sympathy I want (but often don't need) for being sick but still having responsibilities that don't allow me to give in.  It is always provided in one simple phrase "oh my darling" said in a tone that allows me to feel her cool lips on my fevered forehead.

I know I have my issues with my Mom, but I love her more than words can express and now that I am a Mom, I am understanding on a deeper level the love she has for me and sacrifices she has made to do what she honestly believed was best for us in every situation.  

People can not be perfect but my Mom's love for her children is as close to perfection as anything I can think off.

Will it always be overwhelming?

Something inside me snapped a little last night when I surveyed the mess that was my kitchen. DH is at school for 8 weeks for trades training, so now he is home most days around 3:30 or 4, which means he is willing to make supper again (yeah). But when I looked at the kitchen, I was not so sure how helpful it really had been. We had pasta with meat sauce. He had also stewed up some fruit that I had bought for stewing. The result was a full dishwasher and 5 pots (and other stuff) to handwash, sauce stains on the counter, cooked fruit to put away, and lots of general cleaning up (since he does not seem to be able to put away the stuff he uses).

I was grateful that he wanted to help and know that the transition to him taking over supper prep will be rocky, but something snapped and I became blue.

Then last night, Alex and Adam tag teamed waking every 90 mins, each time needing a diaper change and a cuddle (I think they both have spring colds). DH slept through it all.

This morning, my house looks like a windstorm has swept through it and yet I still have to put in a full day's work on my contract job since I'm falling a little behind on deliverables.

I hate how the feeling of being overwhelmed comes upon me with the abruptness of turning off a light - no gradual build up, no chance to mitigate, just boom.

It is Adam's last day at gymnastics and I forgot to mention it to Anita. I really don't want to go, but I am sure the guilt I would feel would not be worth missing it. I had better call her.

Allergies or strep?

The allergy season is here - sigh. Every year my first allergy attack is the same, yet every year I seem to forget how bad it is. My head is a fog right now, the effects of the anti-histimines and I have had to take the day off work since my fatigue is so bad. I will likely work a bit, but not charge anytime.

My throat is tight and I spent a good deal of Saturday wondering if I had developed strep throat. That has become the way of my first allergy attack - a tightning of the throat. It scares me a little. I have had 2 experience of anaphlactic shock in response to allergy shots. I remember well how my throat felt and my inability to communicate what was happening to me.

Then there is the low grade fever where I just can't get warm enough. That came on Saturday evening. All day Sunday I felt torn between putting on a sweater and taking off my clothes. I had to nap on Sunday, I could not go on. Finally Sunday afternoon I went to the drugstore. I was still undecided if my throat was strep or allergies. But then I realized that when I would breath in through my nose, I could feel the air moving down my throat. Then someone walked by who had a strong perfume scent. Breathing in the perfume made my throat tighter immediately and I became more confident that allergies were the cause of my problem.

Today, I'm not sure again, is it Strep (hope not, don't want to expose the boys) or is it allergies (my throat is still tight after taking anti-histimines). I do know that I am sick today, can't think, still have fever chills and a vague all body sensation.

I know most people don't have allergy symptoms like this, but I have in the past. When I was stung by a wasp in 2006, I had a similar whole body reaction to the sting - it was like a sudden onset of a flu. That is how I felt yesterday and seem to feel today.

Ok, more anti-histimines and I will try to work a little.

Three Little Boys and Me

My friend is taking some training this week which made it tough for her to get her little guy to/from childcare. She is a recent single Mom and her little guy is about 6 months younger than Adam. Since the boys go to the same childcare, she asked if I could take her son as well during her course.

So my drives to childcare the past 3 days have been so much fun - the 2 older boys are in the back row and laugh and make noises at each other the whole time. Alex is in the middle and whenever there is a lull in the back row "conversation", he makes a noise that can most closely be described as him trying to say zoom repeatedly. The drive home has been the same.

Next week all goes back to normal, but it has been fun these last 3 days.

My friend is most likely moving this summer. Adam will definately miss her little guy.

Short sighted government - argh

Yesterday I heard on the radio that the Sk government intends to break it's campaign promise on environmental legislation and will align with the useless policies being proposed by the federal conservatives. There reasoning is that we can't afford to be aggressive with environmental policies with the current economic situation.

Today, they announced that utility rates would be going up for the next decade to pay for new infrastructure building. Something about we needed to realize we could not burn cheap coal forever.

I'm dumbfounded.

How do they not understand that the current economic situation is nothing compared to what will happen when we start seeing larger and larger diasters as a result of the climate change that is upon us? Is it because we have not suffered like other parts of Canada and the world have that they are so blind to what is happening?

I seriously want to go off grid now. I don't want to pay an increasing amount to support an energy system that is not commited to making changes that will reduce the total amount of greenhouse gases being emitted!

20 Apr - 3 years in review

My alarm was set for 5:30 this morning, but I woke up before it went off with an odd feeling. I looked at the clock and it was 5:20 and suddenly I was taken back in time to 3 years ago, 2006, when I woke around 5:20 with an odd feeling.

That morning I got out of bed, which was an effort because I was 8 month and about 20 days pregnant. I got to the bathroom and before I could close the door, I was standing in a pool of water - my water, it had broken.

I called to Phil, who was still sleeping, and he woke with a start. I convinced him to have his shower and call our parents to let them know that things had started and we would call them later. It was over 24 hours later (8:21 AM on 21 Apr) that Adam came into the world and I will write the whole story later. But on that 20th of April, the sun was warm, Phil and I went for walks while we waited for labour to start and it was magical. It was the perfect transition day.

The next April 20th, 2007, was not as sunny or joyful. We were dealing with the emotional and physical realities of a miscarriage. My precious baby boy Adam was so sick he was not eating. There was no sun, there were only clouds, tears and a loneliness that defies words.

April 20th 2008 was a haze for me. Alex was just over 4 weeks old and we were just entering the phase where the lack of sleep starts to tell on the parents. I have vague memories of taking the boys for walks and laughter. I don't know if it was a sunny day in reality, but in my memory, it was full of sunshine and laughter and little boy hugs and kisses.

Today, it a warm sunny day and for the first time in 3 years, I am not dealing with the arrival, or realizing that there would be no arrival, of a new life. I am glad it is sunny and I went for a run. It makes the slight sadness of knowing I will never have an April 20th 2006 ever again much easier to put in perspective.

Supper at a bar

Today I stopped at an Irish Pub for supper. As is my normal custom, I found myself watching the crowd.

There were a lot of men in suits talking about the things you talk about - work, the economy, sports. Most looked like they were avoiding going home. Perhaps some had empty homes, perhaps some had families that were more than they could face.

There were a few tables of women. One was a party of some sort - gift bags, laughter, smiles. One was a table of young women who were likely doing the same thing the men were doing - avoiding going home. Replacing the quiet lonliness of a quiet home with the noisy Irish pub.

There were a few couples. Some were meeting after work to have supper before going home. Some were on vacation or days off having a supper after a long day of shopping and/or sight seeings. Then there was the one that made me wonder if they were having affair. He had a wedding band, she did not. There was much laughter and smiles. It was when he answered his cell that I started to wonder. She got quiet and her whole face and body language changed. While she did not move from her chair, she was suddenly a stranger sinking into the crowd, as if not wanting people to see them together. Then he hung up and they each took a drink, followed by her placing a hand on his arm. They decided they had time for another drink and became the couple that I saw when i first spotted them, laughing and smiling. I hope they were nothing more than old friends or family or coworkers having a drink, but it was her disappearing during the phone call leaves me with sad doubt.

Last Day in Toronto

Last full day in Toronto. It should be a good day - lots of thinking about how to effectively implement a way to model the effects of the channel onto the data being input to the DUT. I know, a bit nerdy, but it is exciting to me.

Talking to the boys last night was tough, and not just the technical problems with congested networks. Alex seemed upset at being able to see me on the computer, hear my voice, but not be able to touch me. Adam took it a little better, but it seemed like his emotions were close to the surface. I know that when I see them on Friday, there will be crying. Their emotions will overwhelm them and they likely won't be able to handle them. I am preparing that they will be angry and standoffish, but I am hoping for the endless cuddles that sometimes accompany high emotions.

While I am looking forward to seeing the boys and Phil, I will miss the morning runs that I have been able to do the last couple of days. Next week, I will have to make sure that I start my morning workouts after I drop the boys off - go for 30 mins on MWF and try yoga on T & Th. It does make a difference to my mental health and my productivity. Maybe this "start again" will take. If I can get to the 4 week point (2 more weeks) then I will feel like I'm on track.

Morning Run

The thing I most love to do for me is workout in the morning. Since I'm away from home, I took advantage this AM and went for an early morning run through the streets of downtown Toronto.

The city was just starting to come alive while I was out. The quiet along the waterfront and the shape of the masts of the tallships slowly gave way to the noise of light traffic, the grey of the city concrete and the looming buildings that populate the city center. The lights in the office buildings allowed me to see the morning cleaning crews getting the spaces ready for a new day of work. Early morning office workers with their shoulders hunched against the wind made their way down the large, mostly empty sidewalks. The fresh smell of baking and coffee combined with the left over scents of cigar smoke. With every step, I felt the energy and the optimism of what the day could be start to build inside me.

Now from the window of my hotel, I can see the blue of harbour a few blocks from my hotel. The traffic is heavier now and soon I will get my coffee as I walk into the office to start working. But the feeling of energy and optimism will last for most of the day and that is why working out in the morning is my favorite me time activity.

Did I give up because it was hard?

Today I spent most of the day trying to get to Toronto. Saskatoon was fogged in so my plane was over 3 hours late leaving. I finally got here and got 2 hours of work in. I should be working right now (and will start soon) but I also have not had much chance to write.

The boys are with my parents. I know that they will have a blast this week - swimming, shopping, playing outside, being made to be the center of my parents world. So I am not worried or feeling bad about leaving them there for the week.

On the plane, I watched Marley and me. There is a scene where the husband and wife are fighting shortly after the birth of their 2nd child. After the fight they actually start talking. The entire sequence could have been taken from our life late last summer/early fall. In the movie, the wife tells the husband how much she has given up of herself and how lost she feels and it was so much harder than she ever thought it could be. He suggests that they get some help and she tells him that she does not want them to be the parents that only see their children for an hour a day and on weekends. She tells him that she is not going to give up just because it is hard.

I started to cry.

Last summer, it was hard. I gave up and went back to work letting Anita (who the boys love) take over the raising of our children.

Is it all or nothing? Must I work like I do for it to be enough for me to be balanced or, given time, can I find the joy in being a SAHM that so many woman seem to be able to find?

There is no right answer.

The power of underwear

I thought using cloth diapers on the boys would help with the toilet training since they would feel the wet against their skin more so than with the disposable diapers. When Anita suggested moving to underwear would help with Adam's toilet training, I did not see what it would gain us. I mean if he could not tell he was peeing in the diapers, then what difference would underwear make. Well on Sunday when the pee was running down his leg, I realized it really was different. 3 days later, he is well on his way again.

On a different note - I love the contract work I am doing! The thrill of sorting through compile errors, finding deviations from specifications and making the required changes - I love being a test engineer. The only down side, and it is small, is working in my basement. The basement is not well heated and sits at about 16 degrees. When I am moving around, no big deal. When I am sat in front of the computer for 8 hours - it gets pretty cold.

Stubborn begets stubborn

Alex has started expressing his dislike of certain activites with vigor. Diaper changes are a given, but there are other random things that make him open his mouth and scream. He starts off by turning his face up to the sky and closing his eyes. If that does not work, he starts to scream and finally will cry (big fake cry).

It is funny to watch him go through the stages.

He reminds me of my parents description of me at that age - sigh. Adam was so easy going - luckily I knew that and appreciated it. There are no free rides this time.

weekend ups and downs

This was a mixed bag weekend. I so wanted to write this AM when I was feeling down, but there was not time.  Now I feel better, so my desire to write is less, but I want to record some feelings in case this is something more than a bad day and the start of something I need to address.

I saw a person running by our house this AM - a sunny crisp morning. I almost cried and I definitely felt bad about myself.  Shortly after that I went for my shower and did start to cry when I saw myself in the mirror.  I have fat in places I did not think I would ever get fat.  It is not the fat in itself that bothers me - it is the fact that I am not being active.  I let my bad weather derailment of a few weeks ago turn into the end of my running.  

Gone is the feeling that I will be able to get back into being active.  It has been replaced with a feeling of complete failure.  

Then, this morning, the feeling of failure started to generate other negative thoughts/feelings and before I knew what had happened, I was blue, really really blue.  I started to feel like a bad mother who did not appreciate her boys, feeling like a wife who takes her husband for granted, a person incapable of keeping a promise to herself so therefore incapable of being able to keep a promise to others.

Phil could tell it was going bad in my head and we ended up going for a walk, which allowed me to verbalize what was going on.  We came up with a plan for the week, so I will try to start again.

The day ended well, we had friends over for supper which was nice.  I will have to write about our neighbors moving and how much I don't want them to go, but this has been long enough.

The tantrum

ok - trying to write a blog post while watching the final ER show is tougher than I thought it would be. Everytime someone dies, I start to cry. Now I am thinking that every major character is about to meet an unfortunate end so I can hardly watch, but I can't turn it off either.

Adam had a doozy of a tantrum tonight - he has found his voice and is no longer scared to use it. I am proud of him for starting to stand his ground, I know that we have had an easy time of it up until now. But I suspect that things are about to change and I will have to really step up and be a Mom.

My biggest concern is my own stubbornness. In the face of his tantrum, I could feel myself starting to dig in and it took me a while to try a different approach that would still allow the teeth to be brushed but give him some control over the situation. I need to learn to be KIND as well as firm. The firm is not a problem, but sometimes the kind is - I turn into Capt Patterson and essentially force march him to do my bidding. That is not right.

I am also concerned with the timing of my upcoming business trip. With Adam's tantrums, and Phil and I both going away, I don't want him to feel like he is being left with my parents because of his behaviour. We will have to start talking the trip up and the fun he will have granny and grandad.

I almost cry everytime I think about leaving my boys for a week with neither of us around. I'm going to be a wreck by the time I leave. I know they will be fine, I know it is healthy for them to spend time away from us. But I know I feel selfish because I'm looking forward to the trip and some time away.

I'm not the Mom I thought I would be, nor am I really the Mom I want to be. But as with most things in life, I am doing my best, and it is all I can do. There is no perfect when it comes to parenting, there is only love.

Working from Home and children

Well, Adam did get an eye infection. Saturday night his eye was red and watery so Sunday morning Phil took him to the doctor. Adam has been great about getting the drops in his eyes - it is only twice a day so it is not too much for him. But it did mean 48 hours where he could not go to childcare.

We debated the pros and cons of Phil taking time or asking my Mom to come up. In the end, we asked Mom and she came up on Sunday on the last bus. I do find it hard to concentrate with them upstairs all day. Every time Alex falls or Adam laughs, my mind starts to wander. I don't think I could be a WAHM with the children around.

I feel bad that I am not more gracious with my Mom, but some times her efforts to help create either more work for me or result in significant disruption to the household. She came up on short notice (2 hours) and spent all day with the children. But then after supper (which is a bit of a witching hour at the best of times), she started washing the dishes. She does not use a dishwasher at home, so instead of putting the pots and dishes in the dishwasher, she washed them. She wanted to be helpful, but the result was not enough dishes to run the dishwasher (only the breakfast and lunch dishes were in there) and now there are not enough bottles for today. It upset me because I have asked her repeatedly not to wash the dishes until I have had a chance to load the dishwasher first (I use to ask her not to wash the dishes, but I have come to realize that she likes doing it, so I have stopped asking). I tried to not be upset, because she was so great all day with the children and her heart was in the right place, but she knows me well enough to know when I am upset. Then she felt bad and tried to make it up to me, which made things worse because then I felt like a spoiled brat.

Really, I just want to be nice to my Mom cause she is wonderful and I love her. Family is so hard sometimes.

eye infection

sigh - I have been fighting one since Thursday. I tried the over the counter drops, but today it started to weep, so I went to the doctor and got stronger drops.

I have been trying to be so careful with washing my hands and not touching my eye with my bare hands, but alas, tonight Adam's eye was red. We have tried putting in an over the counter drop, so hopefully that will help stop it before it starts. I don't want the boys to get eye infections for so many reasons - mainly I just don't want them to be sick. But also selfish reasons. Adam had pink eye at 7 months and man, was it hard to get drops in his eyes. I don't really want a repeat, only timex 2. As well, I start a new job on Monday and with eye infections, it is just not right to send them to childcare. I would either need to take time off or ask my Mom to come help. Even that would be tough since I am working at home now and the boys would constantly be within hearing distance and I find it hard to concentrate.

Who Am I???

A few weeks ago I was walk/running 3 times a week, gradually increasing my run times and was on the right path.

Now, when I should be running to work, I am eating McDonalds - what the hell happened? I have not run in weeks, or done anything remotely active. Sure, I could blame the cold snap and state of the sidewalks (thanks to the city of saskatoon's fantastic road clearing efforts) but the old me would have found a way to be active, especially with the proximately of the gym at work and the lack of work to keep me employed.

Instead I have chosen to fall into a haze of chocolate and feeling bad about myself. I have no energy, mostly because I am 20 pounds heavy and am eating like crap. If I saw me from the outside, I would be disgusted enough to eat differently than the person I was observing.

This has to change and it has to change now!

Quiet quiet quiet

I'm at work right now and am struck by how quiet it is in my office that I share with 4 other people. One would think that 3 project managers and a group manager would make some noise, but not here.

I have a number of questions out to people that are not getting answered. When I asked the questions early last week, there was time to incorporate their responses into useful work. Now there is not time. I have 3 hours today and 2 more days work left. It is impossible for me to move forward on the projects and now all I can do is try to leave good notes.

I've done PM jobs before in other places - a person is normally over taken by communications but not here. It is partially culture, it is partially structure. My role has separated the business analyst from the PM. But without a dedicated business analyst, the projects move so slowly that it is difficult to PM well, at least it is difficult for me to PM well.

In preparing my performance review notes, i did my own self assessment to try and improve. I need to network more with the managers, both in my group and outside my group. At least 2 days a week I should be meeting with someone just to find out what they are up to and to let them know what my projects are doing. I also need to manage the director better, find out where his boundaries are, not allow him to cut me, or other key people out. I need to commit to changing the culture to become one that is more inclusive and less exclusive.

It is amazing to me that days can go by at work and I don't talk to anyone - sigh.

Well, back to my document, one section left and then on to learning a new tool.

A quick coffee and a post

This is homeshow weekend and I have been on single parent duty since Wednesday night. It has not been too bad except for 2 things:

1) my eczema on my hand that had almost cleared up is quite sore with the double bath duties and extra handwashings from more diaper changes
2) laundry did not get done and I have no clothes for tomorrow.

The boys are napping and there is about 30 mins left in my quiet time. I thought I would have a quick coffee and then start getting supper prepared. Opps, just heard a thud - means Adam will be up sooner than I expected.

What I wanted to say was how much my parenting book reading has helped. There were few points this weekend when the boys were on my last nerve. I decided to view their behaviour as childhood exploring rather than defiance. Instead of fuming and being angry, I made myself laugh, gave them a hug and told them I love them. It was amazing how the energy in the situation changed. So 3/4 of a weekend and no tantrums, and lots and lots of laughter, kisses and hugs.

Overheard conversations

Yesterday while waiting for Phil and this morning on the bus I overhead conversations between engineering students.

The first was 2 men and 1 woman (boys & girl really). The conversation seemed to be soley based on what biotches the girlfriends of these 2 boys are and how immature they behave. The girl was doing her best to get the "dump them" message across, but the boys had excuses to not break up with their girlfriends, but never did I hear the 2 most likely reasons to stay together:
- love
- fear of being alone.
After 10 mins of waiting, I wanted to yell out DUMP THEM but luckily Phil pulled up. We had a good chuckle in the car.

This morning one the discussion was about grades received and comprehension of the course material - in that they both felt like they did not understand the class they took and both received marks in the low 70's for. This converstation made me start thinking about regrets I had about classes I had taken and if I had a do-over, what would I try and change. Here is my incomplete list:

1. Paid attention to E&M theory more closely and tried to learn it, not just pass.
2. Taken VSLI course(s) instead of the heavy power courses.
3. Taken the time to learn the discrete math required to really understand the complexity of digital design.
4. Take the 5 year combined EE/comp science program instead of the 4 year EE program alone.
5. Followed my passion for control systems theory into the systems modeling world.

Short list, but the first 3 have had far reaching effects into my career and later into my Masters program. They also stop me from ever considering going for a PHd since I do not have faith in my ability to pass the comprehensives.

I should go find the first 2 boys and tell them to dump the girlfriends and focus on understanding their classes and not just passing.

the black around the edges

Interesting. I have missed my last 2 runs and with the way the city has done some recent snow clearing, I will likely miss my run today. Now around the edges of my mind is a darkness that I feel like I'm pushing back. The closest description is when you stare at something so long that it starts to lose focus and then your vision starts to get smaller with an increasing black edge. Could my grip on sanity be so slim right now that missing 3 runs is all it would take to be back in a spot I don't want to be?

Home show weekend, and starting tonight Phil will be busy and i will be a work widow until Monday. He went out last night after the boys went to bed to have a few drinks for St Patricks day. I'm glad he went out even though I did not do anything productive with the time alone.

Now that I am settled on next Friday being my last day, it is tough to be motivated at work. I've started to tell people outside my direct chain of command, not sure if that fits the culture of secrecy and information being power, but meh.

Right, off to fold the boys clothes and start getting ready for the day.

11 min post

ok, it is 5:49 and I have 11 mins to post before I need to start getting stuff ready for the day. Today I choose to write in my blog rather than on the Mommy board, mostly cause I'm all over the place mentally and some of it is black, or blue really.

Yesterday I missed my run because what should have been a 10 min haircut for Adam turned into battle royal and lasted 45 mins of him screaming and crying. Sigh, Phil was getting mad, Adam was distraught and I was, well, confused at best. We finally got it done, sort of, it really is the worst haircut ever. I hope he does not get teased at childcare today. But that was my run time gone because Alex woke up early from his morning nap. Missing my run made me want to cry, in fact, there was more than once I had tears in my eyes through the day. It took all my mental energy to be even tempered.

On the work front, I spoke to my brother for some advice. He asked one question that allowed me to make up my mind - who is the financial safety net right now in our house? Well that is me for the next little while. When Phil goes back to school this fall for more training, then he will get EI and we can't live on just one EI. Well, we could, but I don't want to if we have a choice. So I am going to ask for a Leave of Absence, pay the 4 months of benefits so we have dental and health care and then see what is what in 4 months. He also made a good point about having a lower stress job while my kids are younger rather than a "high power" job. He has 4 kids and we have a similar outlook. He told me of his regrets and from him, that was powerful.

ack 2 mins left. Tomorrow Alex is 1. When I think about how quick my labour was (1st contraction just after 5:30 PM, Alex born at 8:20 PM) and how I did it with out any drugs, I am amazed. One year later, i am also thankful that we have 2 wonderful little boys who laugh more than cry. I love how Alex has helped Adam be more confident to explore and be a child. I love how Adam looks out for Alex. I love.

Leaving this job

I have started the process to leave by talking to my boss this morning. I could not bring myself to tell her about the potential of working for Intellon, rather I told her about how my work/life balance is breaking me. Not a lie, but not the whole truth either. My work/life balance is breaking me and there have been many days when I feel like I just can't do it today.

I am hoping that working from home will help a little - I can prepare supper during my lunch break and do the odd load of laundry during the day. It also will save me some commute time. On the down side, it will upset my fragile routine of running and take away my friday afternoon grocery shop.

My boss suggested thinking about a 4 month leave of absence instead of quitting. It actually may be a good way to go. It would allow me to do the work for Rob through the summer and give me the option of coming back here if the contracting really does not work out or I can't find another job.

It does not look like I can work a deal to contract under Xtreme EDA, which is a bit of an issue for me and I suspect Claude. He does not support me doing the work if travel is a non-starter. While I understand his position, it is where I am at and Phil&I are willing to take the chance on this one contract.

I would love to talk to Doug and find out what potential there is with his group and determine what he work would actually be. I would also love to talk to Vecima and find out what they have going on.

But ultimately, I want to support Phil and his career change. I made the commitment and I want to stand by it. Returning to Xtreme with no travel restrictions would not be supporting him.

Tuesday Night

It is time for bed after a long day, well honestly a late night on Sunday. We went to the Eagles concert and did not get to bed until after 12:30. Phil went to Regina today and was up at 4:30. I had just enough sleep by that point to not be able to get back to sleep, so I was up as well. Now it is 9:30 and I'm tired and soon to go to bed (Phil is already in bed).

I have decided that I'm quitting my job sooner rather than later. I knew I would not last long but I wondered what the trigger would be. Two things really:

- attending a mgt meeting while my boss was gone let me see just how dysfunctional and divided our management team really is

- the almost call that would have completely undermined my role as PM and discounted the value of our procurement team. While I was able to stop the call, I found out by accident and now believe that the same sort of thing will happen again.

Working with Rob again would be interesting, but I'm curious about Doug's opportunity and potential with Vecima. If nothing happens with Rob in the next 2 weeks, then I will probably stick it out to end March while I am looking elsewhere.

I so dislike the job and realize that while it serve a purpose in getting me out of the PPD space, it is not somewhere I can linger. My boss will not take this too well, but I can't let myself stay and be brought down just because I like and respect her.

It's Friday!!!!!

I don't want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day.

Funny how an advertizing slogan will stay in your head. It has been years since I have seen an add this jingle, but yet I can't get the tune out of my head.

Feeling Alone

I wonder if everyone feels alone and a wee bit isolated or if it just part of my personality?

For as long as I remember, I have always had the feeling that people don't really like me, they just are too polite to tell me to piss off. Before Phil, I only had one romantic relationship where I felt accepted for me. All the rest, the work was in trying to figure out how to behave so that the other person would like me and want to be around me. With Phil, I have always felt like he likes me for who I really am (you know, he may not like parts of me, but on the whole, he likes me).

But even with my friends, there have only been a few female friends that I have felt really like me - and right now there are none in my day to day life. I find it tough to make friends since I am always feeling like I am intruding.

The stupidest thing triggered this line of thought, but hopefully it will go away soon. If not, I can just remove the trigger from my life.

But for now, it makes me feel very alone and loney.

Thankful for the routine

I am once again thankful for all the effort we put into being consistent and firm with the boys on bed time. There are days where I'm not sure my sanity would be intact if I did not know that by 7:15 each night, they are both in bed and done for the night (barring illness). And it is not just me who appreciates the routine, watching their little bodies relax as we start the routine of bath, book and bed.

All that is left to do tonight is fold one load of laundry. Ok, so I did not do all the laundry I needed to do today. Instead we went to the WDM to see model trains. Adam loved it! He is starting to need more attention and has developed this whining noise to get attention. It is really tough to find the balance between acknowledging his needs without appearing to give into the whining.

It is the whining that made me buy some parenting books - the Positive Parenting series. It generally promotes the same sort of parenting principles we have been following. But now we are starting to get past the point where distraction works as effectively as it did. I find myself what now? What are some different choices I have when trying to modify his behaviour without making him feel bad about himself. I have been reading it on the bus to/from work. The section about time outs was interesting. So while I have been using timeouts, I have not been following the principles outlined. I changed my approach slightly and WOW what a difference.

Another big step today for Adam - at the WDM he told me he needed to use the potty. I took him to the bathroom and he peed on the toilet!!! Both were first times for him. I was so proud of him.

3 things are competing for my mental attention these days:

Adam - is he being left out when we are all home? Alex is so busy and likes to go around the house. Trouble is, while the house is safe for Adam, it is not safe for an 11 month trying to learn to walk and who is pulling himself up on everything. The choice is to lock down the house like fort knox to allow Alex to roam unsupervised but penalizes Adam's freedom or to leave the house as is which penalizes Adam in terms of being able to have some time with parents who aren't always leaving the room to follow Alex. Adam is such an observer and Alex is a doer. I don't Adam to miss out or feel left out.

Work - don't want to be in this job, the culture is not a good fit for me. But what to do in a small market like Saskatoon and with the declining economy? My skills, while good, are not super special and it would be tough to find a good fit for my current work/life balance that I need. 5 hours a day would be ideal - specifically 9 to 3. Not sure if there is a fit for that.

Programming - I want to, but don't seem to prioritize it into my time. Going to try and get 1 hour a day of either Java, SystemC or XCode work done. Perhaps I need to register for a course to get started. I would love to take a course on object oriented coding. I don't use objects effectively and still write procedural code.

Ok that is me right now.

Dance like no one is watching

Or in this case, write like no one is reading.

Yesterday was an interesting day at work. I had a morning meeting that took me hours to recover from and become productive again. While nothing really bad happened, it is 3 hours of my life I will never get back and has left me with a vague sense of not wanting to be part of the team I work with. Hopefully today I will have my game back since there is stuff I want to do today.

On an internet board I belong to we had a long discussion about blogs and privacy. It was interesting and gave me something to think about. When I write, I feel like the whole world may potentially see my words (it is the internet after all) but yet I know that very few, if any, will read my words. I think blogging is like dancing - you either dance with joy like no one is watching or you dance with caution and while still fun, is not the heart pounding joyful release that come with true abandon.

Where did my mind go today

When I run, or really do any workout, my mind usually ends up in one of four places:

• the past - a warm memory, a regret, something forgotten to be done
• the present - what do I need to do today, some problem I'm struggling with
• the future - where do I want to be 5 years from now, how will things change over time
• my body and its function

Usually my thoughts start off with how my body feels and then moves to the past/present/future for a while. At some point between the 1/2 way point and being finished, my mind goes back to how my body feels.

Today I ran by a house that I lived in during university with 3 of my friends. My thoughts were taken back to the carefree days of university, when my biggest struggle was getting my assignments in on time. I have blocked out the feelings of being overwhelmed with too much home work or the burning desire to be finished school so I could start working. I only remember the incrediable freedom of only being responsible for myself - if I got an answer wrong, it was only me who was penalized - my company did not stand to loss money or worse because of a simple mistake I made.

When my mind came back to my body, I felt powerful with each footfall and intake of cold air. The blood running through my body tingled from trying to the oxygen to where it needed to be. It is that feeling that gets me out the door and helps me stay on track. It is that feeling that makes exercise a joy for me, not a chore that needs to be done.

I've started running again. I have my plan to get back in shape and hopefully run a marathon next year. Starting slow - more walking than running right now, but I have a 6 week plan to change the ratio.

My left hip is so sore that I'm thinking some pre-emptive physio is in order. I had forgotten what it was like to start exercising after a prolonged time away. It really hurts. I'm excited to be active again and try to hold on the vision of where I will be if I just stay with it. Luckily Phil bought me a GPS watch 2 years ago - it is surprizingly motivating for me to use it.

I don't want to share my running with anyone IRL - no running partners, no updates, nothing. It is my private place right now. I have no expectations of myself and don't want people's well meaning but oh so irritating movtivational sayings.

Now I just need to get my food will power back - no more letting myself be sabatoged. Need to get back to being ruthless - if I tell people I'm watching what I eat and they still buy or make me something outside of what I want to eat, I will just be firm and through it out if need be.

Some excel macros

I took the time to learn how to write a simple excel macro today that took me about 1 hour to learn but will save me at least 10 hours of work. I'm very proud of myself. Here is my code:

Code to copy from one workbook into another
Sub firstTry()
ActiveCell.Range("A1:B5") = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("A1:B5").Value
End Sub

Code to combine 2 cells into 1
Sub firstTry()
X = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("A1").Value
Y = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("B1").Value
ActiveCell.Range("A1") = X & " - " & Y
End Sub

Code to combine A1 and B1 from one worksheet and write it into another worksheet's column A
Sub firstTry()
For i = 1 To 5
X = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Cells(i, 1).Value
Y = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Cells(i, 2).Value
Cells(i, 1) = X & " - " & Y
Next i
End Sub

It's only Tuesday

It's only Tuesday and I did not have anything I could bring for my lunch today and have no plan for supper. Ack.

Ok, really need to get on finding a job with reduced hours. Problem is that at my current job, my project has gone south and to leave now would make me feel like I'm quitting cause it is hard.

Phil needs more time to spend on the business in the evening so that leaves me with all the stuff to do in the house and with the children. I don't know where the solution lies - quitting work completely would make me bitter, working makes me stressed. Neither state is good for my health.

I remember when it was easier. I just want to retreat and watch tv all day - that is never a good sign.

Work and children - struggle continues

In 5 days it will be 3 months since I have been back to work. Certainly, I think, long enough to have quelled the internal struggle I have every morning and evening trying to balance work and home now that there are children. I realized yesterday that 2 hours every day are spent in transit - taking the boys to childcare then taking the bus to work in the morning and then doing it the other way round after work. 2 hours - that is crazy in a town this size. That is like what I spent in Ottawa when working at TMI when there was bad traffic. I so wish it was an option for Phil to either drop off or pick up the kids, but it would mean they either had to be at childcare before 7 AM (instead of 7:30 now) or not get picked up until well after 5 and then home well past 5:30. I can't justify getting them up earlier or having them wait so long for their supper.

Part of me knows that I need to work for my own sanity. Rightly or wrongly, my work is part of the definition of who I am. That is not to say it is my number 1 priority, but when life is rolling along and priority decisions are not required, I need to work.

Part of me hates that someone else is effectively raising my children. I have lost touch with who they are because they are both going through some changes right now. Adam has taken to hanging out in his room to suck his thumb - that can't be good. Alex needs to have more foods introduced - both variety and quantity. For whatever reasons, there has not been meals made for him lately and I don't know the last time he had protien. So he is living on formula, fruit and vegtables. As well, he should be starting to eat breakfast, but there is not time to introduce a waffle for Alex into the morning 40 min scramble that is currently part of our morning routine.

We are so far from where we thought we would be when we first talked about kids and potentially Phil staying home for the first few years. I know he feels like he does not have enough time with the children either, but it always appears to me that he chooses to not hear Adam when he is trying to talk to him or he can tune out what the boys are doing to read his e-mail or he can completely discount their food needs until it is too late to effectively do anything about them.

So where to go from here is what I need to figure out - quit completely, find a job with less hours, ask Phil to quit his job or find a job with less hours. I don't know.

Trying video upload

Writing when happy is hard

The downfall of every journal I have ever tried to keep is that when I am happy (which is most of the time) I am not motivated to write. When I am dark or trying to work through something, I seem to really want to write.

I would like this blog to be happy, not just sad or me working stuff out. So I'm going to try and force myself to write at least once a week and hopefully on days like today when I am happy the blog will have a happy post.

Alex started to crawl this week, actually on Monday the 5th. He is so excited with is new found mobility. Now he likes to crawl to someone to get them to walk him around. Soon enough he will be walking without help.

Adam has had a mixed week. He is trying to learn how to have an effective tantrum, which is tough on him. He is intersted in associating words that we print with the things that they describe, especially the engines in the Thomas story. I will have to go google to see if knowing his alphabet and counting to 39 is just where he should be or if he is ahead/behind. Regardless, Phil and I are impressed with his ability.

Welcome 2009

ok, the title has nothing to do with my post, but it is the first post of the year so I thought I should welcome the new year.

i'm cold - we have had stupid cold weather for almost a month. Like most people, I have lost my sense of humor about it. I am not asking for summer - just a couple days of -10 with little to no wind.

Of course losing one's sense of humor about one thing spills over into all aspects of life.

I have my mammogram on Friday afternoon - luckily they had a cancellation so I got in quickly. I'm sure it is nothing, but my breast is so sore. I wonder if there is anything I can search on line about muscle injuries and the symptoms.

ok, back to work.