Two sides of the same coin

Last night Adam was awake until 8:30, this morning, he woke up screaming "daddy" and was insistent on having a cuddle in bed with me.

On one side of the coin - frustration that even though he has been having shorter naps and is tired, he won't even try to fall asleep at night. As well, with being back to work, there is not time for morning cuddles after 5:30 otherwise the schedule is screwed.

On the other side of the coin - he misses us a great deal during the day and has gone from 3 weeks 11/7 (11 waking hours) with Mom and Dad to only having 45 mins in the morning and 2 hours at night of waking hours. He is trying to get more time by staying up later and wants the interaction so badly he will accept the negative attention of us saying "back to bed". As well, we went from 3 weeks of cuddles on demand to very few cuddles and when he woke up from a bad dream and was offered comfort, he could not find the strength to let the cuddle go gracefully.

Does looking at the facts from one side or the other change the facts or change the things that must be done? No, bedtimes and morning routines need to be respected, but it does change the way I act in the moment. I can choose to act on my frustration or I can choose to act with firm compassion and love.

where are my tools?

If I ever wrote a book about getting married and having children at 40, I would call it "Where are my tools?" or an alternative "Do you have to breathe on me?"

Before Phil moved in, I was not the neatest housekeeper, but I could put my hands on everything I owned without issue. I owned some tools, basic tools, the kind you need around a house. I know we still have them but I have no idea where they are and have not had an idea for at least 4 years (we moved to this house 4 years ago). I think they are in the garage, in one of 10 cupboards that are inaccessible because of stuff piled in front of them. It is frustrating because so many of the boys toys need new batteries and all the cases are screwed shut and I don't know where the screw drivers are. I would love to make time to got to home depot or canadian tire and buy myself a small tool box with a few essentials and then keep it safe, somewhere I will always know where it is.

Adam woke up from a dream around 4 this morning and was quite agitated and came looking for me. He wanted to know how to get to the river, he told me he had tried to find it and couldn't. Of course, I was then awake until about 5:22 (alarm goes off at 5:30). Phil, however, blissfully fell back to sleep. But he was laying on his side and he was breathing on me - argh. I thought about getting up and moving to the couch, but if I did fall asleep, I would not hear the alarm in the bedroom. At that moment I understood the lure of separate beds - like on the Flinstones where Fred and Wilma had separate beds but yet still had a baby.

Sigh.

I love my husband, I love my boys, I love my life, but really where are my tools?

Quiet

I'm up before the rest of the house this morning - it is not too early, normal waking time, but without the alarm to wake Phil or the showers to wake the boys, they are still asleep. I lay in bed for a while, but my lower back was too sore to stay there any more.

I'm unhappy right now and not sure why. Is it that Monday I start working again and I my desk is not clean enough for me to actually work on? Is it the on-going struggle between working and staying at home with the boys? Is it the fact that the backlawn, well the whole yard really, is so poorly maintained that it is demoralizing to look out back? Is it the fact that my allergies have been in overdrive for at least 3 weeks and I can't remember the last time I woke up refreshed instead of struggling to breathe? Is it the fact that I'm 20 lbs overweight and so in active it is unbelievable? Is it that I just feel like there is no space for me anymore and wonder if I made a mistake in getting married? Is it that I miss Mike and Sam being next door and am not looking forward to living next door to renters? Is it that I did not get everything done in 2 weeks before holidays that would have allowed me to feel like I understood our finances and what our options are? Is it that I am just thinking too much?

So I sit quietly typing, listening to the deafening tick tock of our kitchen clock, scared to move, scared to make a coffee, scared to turn off the alarm system so I can go outside to weed because I don't want the rest of the house to wake up just yet.

I hope nobody reads this post, it is more than I really want to share since it is incomplete and does not capture all the joy and happiness that I have in my life, but I need to write it down to process it, to move forward.

A bad day

Today I was not a good Mom. Today I was perhaps the worst version of myself and my son, my beautiful son did not have a good day as a result. He is just trying to find his way, take control over that which he can have control. I actually don't mind, but i do mind the way in which the message is delivered - it is so whiny. Twice he has gone to bed crying and not understanding why Mommy is not smiling.

They were both on me all day and I reached my point of needing some space, of needing to be free, not for ever, but for an hour, a minute, for a breath.

Ok, we just had a hug and now it is better. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to be the Mom I want to be.

time alone

We are still on holiday in England. We have had some really busy days and some blissfully lazy days. The trip has included a trip to Cornwall, 2 trips to Thomasland, 3 trips to parks to play, a trip into Birmingham to visit the aquarium and a trip to the doctor for Adam.

While Adam has been a bit more whiny than I would like, there has been lots of smiles and laughter along the way with both boys. Phil has been sharing the work of looking after the boys needs and that has made my time fairly restful.

Today Phil and Adam are off with his Mom and Dad, Sister and her 2 children to go on an all day train ride. I am happily spending the day alone with Alex. He is napping right now, but when he gets up, we will walk to Tesco to get stuff for supper tonight and a coffee for Mommy. Then we can play and have lunch together. Oh, I think I hear him.

To be fair, it has not been a bad trip, but I am looking for to getting home next week.

Day before holiday

We leave tomorrow for our trip to England. This week we went shopping for some new shorts - it was demoralizing looking at myself in the mirror while changing. Then I went and bought 2 new bras a few days later and again, demoralizing. When we get back, I need to start in earnest. It can be small things - 10 mins of abs and strength exercises in the evening while watching TV.

Work is interesting - the potential of 6 months in Europe is interesting, but I am sure is like the lottery - likely not to happen. Then could I quit for a while and be a full time mom? Or maybe teach night school for a while and then maybe get into daytime teaching. A more family friendly job?