Things I need to remember when the boys are grown

My parents came up for a few days to have Christmas with us. It was a nice time - the boys had fun with grandparents, grandparents had fun with boys, good meals and chatter, two funny movies. I was really impressed that the entire visit went by without my Mom getting dramatic about something - her reactions to things are usually extreme and not measured. Adam dropping a toy garners the same near tear response as him falling and bumping his head. I find I don't share with her when the boys are sick since she then stalks me for updates and even a cold could be a death sentance.

Anyhoo - as they were leaving, Mom thanked us for a nice visit and made some comment about how horrible it would have been if they could not have come up to visit us and she just did not know what she would do with out us having been here this Christmas. WTH? What do i do with a comment like that other than feel bad if we go to England next year. So I said something and it was an awkward end to an otherwise good visit.

After they were gone, I ranted at Phil for a bit. Then I decided that there are things about both of our parents that really irritate me when they visit. So I wanted to write them down so that I can hopefully not do the same thing to the boys when they are grown and I visit them:

- if my stay is longer than 3 days, I'm going to break up the visit with overnight trips so that they can have their own lifes.

- unless ill, I will leave the house every day so that they can have some alone time.

- when asked if I like my fish one way or the other, I will answer with a preference and not say "whatever you like" (I mean, when I ask, I really want to know what the other person wants, if I wanted it a specific way, I would not ask)

- I will try focus on the time we have had together and find the joy in it and not focus (or talk about) how long it will be until we see each other again or how little time we get to spend together

- I will try and find away to let them know that while always welcome, they are not expected to make duty trips home at Christmas (or other big holidays)

ok I can't think of anymore right now, but I am sure I will after my next visit with one or both sets of parents.

The system is broken

Just when I thought I was starting to cope with the kids, my work and Phil's work routines, boom we get hit with a cold snap and the fragility of my system is revealed just before it starts to break.

Not for lack of desire, but I don't have my brother's Christmas card written or sent. I don't have my parents gift(s) bought. It was Monday before I realized how close Christmas was and there is no more time - Phil is on call this week and weekend so I can't get out shopping without the kids. Shopping with the kids (the weekend before Christmas - ack) leaves me a 2 hour window on Saturday IF neither of them deviate from their routine. Since 30 mins of the that 2 hours would be getting ready and getting there time, then another 15 mins to get home, that leave 1 hr 15 mins of shopping time. Even without a curious toddler in tow, that is a short period of time to shop.

And there are no meals! Once again I will have to buy lunch because I have not cooked any lunches for myself. There is nothing defrosted for supper and I have no ideas. ARGH!!!!

So what I need is a job that allows me to work an average of 5 hours a day (so a 25 hours work week) that allows me, for the most part, flexibility in my hours and will pay me about $3250 a month ($39k per year).

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm not sure I can make it to the end of the 2 projects I am working on before I have to quit. I mean, my hours are going to be increasing in January -ARGH!!!!

Night Waking

Last night Alex started babbling about 2 PM - he was not upset, he just had noises to make and a crib to kick. I only woke up because I had left the monitor on in the living room so it sounded like he was out there making loud noise. Since he should not be able to escape his crib, let alone his room yet, it woke me up in a freaked out kind of way. So I turned off the monitor but it was too late, I was awake and only fell asleep again about 4 for 90 minutes until the alarm went off.

Years ago I read an article about how if all the woman over 40 who were awake in the middle of the night could some how figure out how to use the that time for changing the world, what an amazing force it would be. At the time I thought it was a cute little article. Now, sadly, I know it was likely written by the poor author who was awake for whatever reason in the middle of the night more often than not.

There is always the internal debate of what to do once you realize you are more awake than you want to be. Do I lie in the dark room and try to get fall back asleep or at least get some rest? Do I get up and empty the dishwasher, do some work on the computer or do something else productive? I can only imagine how my Java skills would progress if I convinced myself to do some programming.

But for today, I will drag my tired arse through the day and long for bedtime tonight.

Putting up the Christmas Tree

We put our tree up on Sunday. Adam was intrigued with the box and even more so when Phil put the centre pole and top of the tree together. So I told Adam which piece to take out of the box and to hand to his Dad. Man, was Adam proud of himself for helping his Dad. While Adam was sleeping, I put the lights on the tree. Then after the nap, Adam directed Phil where to put the ornaments.

All in all, I was amazed at how much Adam enjoyed being part of the process and will have to be vigilant for opportunities for him to try new things. Sometimes as a parent we want to be helpful to our children and end up doing more than we should for them. Intellectually I know this robs the child of a sense of accomplishment when they can do something they see Mom and Dad do, but it is hard sometimes to realize that you are even doing it!

So while Adam does not know what the purpose of the tree is, or that in a few weeks there will be presents underneath it for him to open, just the tree it self is exciting.

And Alex??? Well he was just excited that Adam's train track was left unguarded and he could do his roll and destroy mission without having to worry about getting caught by Adam.

I've got Christmas backwards

For a number of years, 10 to be exact, I did not spend Christmas with my family. It was not a big deal - the first year I moved to Ottawa, it was a late in year posting and I did not have the money to fly home. It felt like the best Christmas ever. Unlike what most would expect, spending Christmas alone, far from any family was not sad, did not trigger the blues. Instead it energized me.

Now, I spend Christmas with family again - the last 4 years have been with either my family or my husbands family. While they have not been bad, they have not been great. I have gone from decorating the house and being "christmasy" starting in earlier Dec to this year wondering if I can get away with no decorations or tree.

It may still be some ppd hanging on, but I don't think so. It is different. PPD felt like I was outside myself and was dark. I am not dark anymore, but I just don't enjoy Christmas like I did for that decade. Now I feel like there are too many people to be accommodated and no one ends up enjoying the day. There is the work of a big meal, the socializing regardless if you want to or not.

Perhaps it is just the natural change process we all go through in life where our likes and dislikes change over time. Perhaps it is the feeling like it is not for me anymore, that rather it is just one more thing in my life that is for other people. What ever it is, I feel bad for my husband since I was definitely different about Christmas when he met me.

Leadership in Innovation

I find the biggest barrier I have to writing a blog entry is choosing a title, and then it takes me so long to convince myself to just start writing and choose a title at the end that I end up with not enough time to write OR I forget what I wanted to say. Today it is having forgotten what I wanted to say.

On the bus to work, I often read a magazine called Engineering & Technology that we get because of my husband's membership in the IEE. In addition to interesting technology articles there are also articles on IT and Management. Today I was reading an article in the 8 - 21 Nov 2008 issue of E&T called "Leading the Way in Innovation".

The article included a list from the Boston Consulting Group (BCG) of 5 common characteristics that distinguish the innovation leaders:

The ability to tolerate ambiguity
The ability to assess and be comfortable with risk
The ability to balance passion and objectivity
The ability to change
The ability to command respect, even from sceptics

The list closely reflects the attributes I believe are essential for all leaders and ones I have worked hard to develop in myself. Have I been successful? I guess one would have to ask the people I have worked with in the past.

This is a post that will likely never be published based on the number of start/stop/backspace combo's that have happened in the last 5 mins. There is also the sound of a child waking coming from down the hall so time is limited.

This past week I actually worked about 80% instead of my 60% and was at work all 5 days. When combined with a mid-week sick child and a husband on call who was gone for a good deal of Saturday, it results in me being sick and no groceries being bought. So now the pressing task this Sunday AM is to go grocery shopping.

But before the house wakes up and the day becomes a manic rush from one thing to the next, I could work on my how-to-quit-my-job strategy. I realized this week that I don't want to work where I am currently working, it has only been about 7 weeks, but it is not a good fit. It is funny, before kids I would have taken longer to make this decision. Now I am choosing to spend time at work rather than with my children. Given that is what I am choosing between, my work better be a source of joy and, on balance, a postive experience.

People before profit

Since starting back to work, I have more time to read - time on the bus to and from work, time alone pumping, time.

I read a really interesting article called people before profit. It was about the unique organizational structure and work environment at WL Gore - the company that developed Gortex.

A quote from some one who works there "But here it's about individuals and it's about trust. Which is why we have leaders and not bosses." Associates (and everyone is an associate) choose to follow leaders rather than having bosses assigned to them. They commit to projects of their own choice rather than having tasks delegated to them. There is a believe that in order to innovate, you need both time and trust. In fact, 10% of an associates time is set aside for project work separate from the day job.

It got me to thinking if I could work in such an environment. It is an interesting thought.

Reflections on going back to work

This was my first week back to work after being on mat leave since February. Instead of going back to the same job, I am starting a new job with a new employer. It was only 3 days, but it was a tough week.

The first day, my feet were killing me. It made me wonder if I had worn shoes at all while I was off work. By the end of the day, I had to have my shoes off and under my desk. My feet adjusted quickly and by the end of the week, my feet were back to normal. Still, I will have to book the appointment for the birthday pedicure Phil bought for me.

The change in routine was tough. Normally mornings with the boys was a relaxed affair and it was about a 90 min turn around time from the boys waking to leaving for childcare. On work days, it is now a 40 min turn around - no more playing trains, no more reading together, just a quick breakfast and gone.

The evenings have been tough as well. Phil has been getting home late this week, so I get home with the boys just before 5, and then it is the trick of making supper for the 3 of us while heating Alex's food and trying to feed him. Then it is bathing and a final nurse for Alex, followed by bathing and bed for Adam. Once they are down, then it is cleaning up from their day at childcare, cleaning up from supper, packing packs for the next day and doing any prep for the next day's supper that is possible.

It struck me that while so much as changed for women, Gloris S was right that the movement has not been successful yet. Instead of being equal in our responsibilities, most women are doing it all - working outside the home and then doing all (or most of) the child raising and housework as well. That has been our week. I'm here to say that it needs to change! I'm not sure what the solution is because it is not like Phil is off drinking with the boys, he is working to a schedule that is out of his control. But I do know I won't be able to (nor do i want to) keep this up. I also know the solution is not for me to quit working.

I have not even addressed the issue of pumping while at work since I would like to have Alex still having breast milk up to about 9 months. Between trying to find a place other than a bathroom stall and trying to find a time that works for my work schedule and my body, it was a demoralizing week. My pumping does not result in enough milk to meet his needs, so I have started to supplement him with formula as well. Nothing against formula, it was always the plan after 9 months. I do wonder how long I will actually pump before I give up.

It is an interesting journey trying to reclaim part of me now with 2 children and Phil having a more time and physically demanding job compared to when Adam was born.

Rainy days and kids

Today is a rainy saturday in october. I know rainy days are supposed to be more depressing than uplifting, but an unexpected walk in the rain with 2 children has a way to brighten the day. Eagerly lifting up a face to the sky with an open mouth to catch the drops, the giggles of delight at the way the rain tickles, the snuggling closer into Mom to share with her your delight.

Then when we get to the mall, the excitement continues. Riding the moving stairs and walking over the bridges. Seeing the toys in the store but never finding the elusive table where the trains can be played. Carrying a package for Mom. When a fun song comes over the loud speaker, dancing and laughing with delight.

Being out with the children makes me realize how much we self censor our enjoyment of the little things all around us as we get older, more jaded, more wordly. I realize now how short the time of wonder is and I hope that neither of my boys are cheated out of a second of knowing the wonder of the world around them.

Packing up clothes for the last time

I spent some time this morning cleaning out clothes to give away. Phil cleaned out his clothes on the weekend. I was struck by how hard it is to give away clothes sometimes.

First were the older clothes in the back of the closets. The skinny/fat clothes that all woman seem to have in their closets. As I folded the $20 dress I bought more than 10 years ago for a cruise that I was going on with some friends, I closed my eyes was back on the ship. The long days in the sun and evenings spent dancing and having fun all came back. The urge to hang up the dress that I know I will never wear again was very strong.

Then there were the maternity clothes. Realizing that I would never again know the joy of having a life growing inside me was a sad moment. The excitement and fear of meeting a new child all came back.

The packing up of the baby clothes was perhaps the hardest. I had to make a couple of trips into Alex's room to see my little baby to remind myself that giving away clothes for 6 month and younger children did not mean my babies had grown up yet.

It is odd how emotionally attached people become to things, like clothes. There are still more clothes to go through - all the sports t-shirts from fun runs and swim meets over the years. Hopefully they will be easier to sort through than the clothes that were in the closet.

Will writing it help?

So this entry is really a feel-sorry-for-myself-trying-to-sort-stuff-out entry.

It is turning into a tough day. Alex has slept through the night for 4 nights in a row so I'm getting some sleep. I had hoped that once I got a few good nights of sleep that my mood would brighten and some of my old productivity would come back. Alas, that is not happening.

Alex is trying to nap right now, slept for 45 mins and has been crying now for 45 mins. I would pick him up, but I know he is tired and would not be happy being up, but yet he is not happy being down. When he has naps like this (normally 2 times in a week) it is really tough for me to do anything. I can't concentrate, all I can do is sit and cry.


But back to being productive - there is so much to do, but I can't seem to do any of it. Everything I could do seems so futile and once done rarely leaves me with a sense of accomplishment. To declutter an area only to have it recluttered by the time I go to bed, to wash only to have it dirtied again, it is demoralizing.

Part of the issue is how much time i spend in the house - it feels more like a prison than a place of refuge. But right now for Alex I need to be here since he is starting to get this napping thing down and won't really nap anywhere other than a crib or a playpen. With the wasps being so aggressive, sitting out in the yard is not even an option for me right now.

When Alex is napping, I'm always on edge, waiting for him to cry or wake up so my attempts to do some programming or something that requires me to concentrate have left me feeling like a failure rather than energizing me. Starting an exercise program 2 weeks ago made me feel really bad about myself, not better.

I find myself wanting to go back to work now. I'm convincing myself it will all be better when I'm working, when in fact it will be worse since there will be less time to spend with my family and to get everything done than there is now.

I will be glad when this post partum bit is over (not wishing time to go faster) since I really want my old me back. I want to be able to make a list and then check off the things on the list. I want to stop crying and start living again. I want to start exercising again. I want to be happy - it has been a long time since I was happy.

ok, enough feeling sorry for myself, I will fold diapers and put away the clean clothes - maybe that will help me get going.

Wasps

I hate wasps - the flying stinging kind.

As a child I was not fond of anything that had the ability to fly and sting. My lack of fondness turned to hate the first time I was stung when I was about 25. My hate turned to fear when I had my first child.

My first sting happened while my friend and I were camping in the states and I felt something in my hair. Thinking it was a leaf, I lazily reached up a hand to wipe the offending object away. Imagine my shock at the sharp pain in my finger when it stung me. Knowing I was allergic to most types of bytes (and most of nature in general but that is a different blog), I took an anti-histimane and put some ice on my finger. I also had the foresight to take off my engineering ring. Within 10 mins, my knuckles were a distant memory and the swelling was moving up my arm. We went to the local ER and I paid a lot of money to have a stronger shot to control the allergic reaction. The Dr advised me since this was the reaction to my first sting, I should have an epipen with me.

My 2nd sting happened the year Adam was born. While at a neigbor's house visiting, I was sitting on the floor in the living room. I felt the sharp sting in my right calf (still have a vague purple mark after 2 years). I looked down and saw the wasp on the carpet. While relieved it stung me instead of Adam, I was still concerned. So I gave Adam to my neighbor and headed home to take an anti-histimane and ice while having my epipen close at hand. Lukily the reaction was not anaphylactic, but I did have a complete system reaction that lasted for about 3 days. It was like the worst flu I ever had - body pain, fever, a few hives and stomach issues.

My 3rd sting happened on Saturday, 2 days ago. Walking home from the grocery store with Phil and the boys, I noticed a large number of wasps flying low to the sidewalk. I picked up Adam and then about 2 steps later it stung me on the bottom of one of my toes. It was another block home so limping and holding Adam (Phil had Alex and the groceries) we made our way. Again, anti-histimane and ice. I am still limping since all the reaction seems to be localized to my toe this time (thankfully). My toe is huge and even putting on my shoes this AM was uncomfortable.

So Phil has been searching for wasp nests on our property and using Raid on any and all he finds. But there are still a large number swarming around our front door, so we are using the back door now. It is not wasp free in the back, but far fewer wasps. Poor Adam is so spooked by the wasps he could not even walk to the car, so I had to carry both him and Alex.

Finding myself trapped in the house like a prison of fear, I am looking forward to the cool weather that will cause the wasps to start their winter sleep. My Google search for info on wasps was not helpful since it only highlighted how many different types of waspy things there are and how there is not one solution for all types.

And since they like warm weather, I suspect with the climate change that is happening and the temperatures getting warmer, they will become worse. Now is the time for anyone reading this blog to invest in companies that produce epipens - I know I will need to get a new one soon since they seem to expire every 2 years or so.

Missing Person Report

I thought I would try my hand at a short story.

"Maybe I should file a missing person report" she thought as she sat at the breakfast table drinking her instant decaf coffee. Her husband had just left for work and both kids were noisily playing in the living room. The oldest was happily building a train track and chattering endlessly about the engines that would need to fill up their coal trucks. The youngest was rolling on the floor trying to grasp the bright toy that always seemed just out of his reach.

How would she describe the person who was missing? Fun loving, quick to smile, thoughtful, able to take delight in other's joy, loving - were these the right words?

When was the person last seen? That is hard to say exactly. They were definately around when she and her husband met. It was one of those chance meetings where everything clicks. When two people are both ready to take a chance at getting hurt again and let their hearts start silently reaching out to the new person they have just met. There was lots of laughter and joy.

The person was present at the wedding, they are in all the pictures and in her memory. They were also present at the birth of the her first son. But sometime after that, between that sunny April day and the grey August morning that was outside the broken dining room window, the person had left. Gone was the easy smile and the laugh of delight at the simplest of things. Gone was the joy that seemed to fill a room.

Just then her attention was caught by the two squeals of delight from her boys. Her oldest had built his first complete track and was excitedly racing his trains around it, proud of his ability to do with effort what was so easy for Mommy and Daddy. Her youngest had managed to grasp and hold the toy and was happily drooling on it. And the smile and laughter came back unbidden and joy filled her heart.

Perhaps she was not missing after all, just on vacation but would return soon to fully enjoy the new life she had built with man she loved.

Where to begin?

I often find myself searching for an outlet for my random thoughts, dreams and opinions. Perhaps this blog will be the outlet I'm searching for, perhaps not but it is worth a try.



Turns out that facing a blank dialog box for the first post is more daunting than I imagined. Where to start...a description of me, a random thought, an uninformed opinion? My backspace key is getting quite a workout today.



The Olympics are on and I am enjoying the CBC coverage. Between what they have on their main channel and live video feeds on their website, it is the most access I have had to sports I enjoy, ever. I am glad that CBC has the rights to the Olympics and not TSN. TSN is not in my cable package so I am missing CFL football this year, and my beloved Riders are doing so well!



Hopefully the swimmers for Canada are swimming drug free. They are making such huge improvements in time, it is hard to believe it is just down to the new swim suits. (there is a blog subject, the evolution of the racing suit is swimming)



Hopefully this blog will evolve and my writing skills will improve at the same time. If you read, thanks for reading.