Saturday morning with the boys

Today I get to spend the most of the day with the boys on my own while Phil is out of town for a meeting.  

As I write this, the boys are napping, tired from a full 6 hour morning with Mom, well 7 hours really.  We went to the park down the street, played in the back yard, went for lunch at a local restaurant, stopped at a toy store to play with the train display and then played again in the backyard, mostly making bubbles this time.  During Alex's morning nap, Adam and I cuddled, watched Toopie and Beeno, and played trains.

Before I had the boys, I knew that it would not be all laughs, giggles and fun.  But this morning was and I enjoyed it.

There is a part of me that wonders why it is not this easy when both Phil and I are around on weekends.  I think it is because of just trying to maximize our boy's happiness, we are also trying to make sure our partner is having fun.  Sometimes it is because we are resenting that it seems to have to do all the work with the boys while the other gets to do adult activities.  

Don't get me wrong, it is not bad when Phil is here too, it is just different.  It would be cool if I could relax more when he was around, but in some ways I feel like I'm still trying to learn to be myself around him instead of trying to wonder what I could do to please him like you do when you are dating.  Goodness - we have been through labour twice and a miscarriage - he has seen me at my best and my worst and he still looks at me with love, but yet I still feel, I'm not sure of the word, new or replaceable.

Ok, I want to try and make use of my last hour of their nap to de-clutter the kitchen counter a little.

The agony of learing to make shortbread cookies

My Mom was here this weekend and it was mostly good. She came up to run a 1/2 marathon. A number of her running friends also were up, but they stayed at a hotel. I am really proud of my Mom's stick-with-itness when it comes to her running. She started late in life, at 65, and loves it and the circle of friends she has made through it.

During the race, we walked to one spot and then rode our bikes to another spot to cheer for her. Then I went to pick her up - I missed the finish but she was fine. All in all the running portion and being Mom's support crew was fun for me and the boys.

Phil did what was required to my bike to connect the bike carrier and we bought helmets for the boys. Side note - Adam got his first skinned knees on the way to the bike store, poor little guy. It was fun to take them out for a bike ride. Hopefully I will be able to start riding to/from childcare most mornings. The traffic is light at the time of day and it should be fun.

So all was good until Mom tried to show me how to make her shortbread cookies. My Mom makes the best cookies - honestly, it is not just me who says so. My boys love them so I thought I should learn how to make them. Well the rolling of the dough was really the beginning of the end of our nice weekend. She showed me how to work with the dough. I was trying my best to do what she had showed me, but could not. Of course my Mom took my lack of skill on as her personal failure - kept going on about how she was not a good enough teacher because this was so easy that anyone could do it. She discounts her skill at baking and believes it must be easy if she can do it. What she does not understand is that as the person she is trying to teach, if I can't do it, there are only 2 possibilities why I can't do it:
- I'm just not trying my best (which I was)
- I'm very stupid
I tried to explain that to her, but she laughed at me, which made me mad. Then when we tried to cook the cookies, the first batch did not work. She kept saying I would be able to tell when they were done by the colour of the cookie. I could not. By now she was also frustrated and spoke sharply to me about how could I not see the colour difference - almost implying that I was lying to her about my ability to see it. At this point, Phil finally got up and got involved. He knows I can't see the difference is colour shades very well. (He learned that when we painted our first (and only) room together). It helped diffuse the situation because he could talk to Mom about the colour of the cookies, the heating of the oven, the texture of the dough etc.

It bothers me that she can't accept that she is a good cook and baker and that not every one has those skill sets. I am really good at math, engineering and technical stuff. I cook out of necessity, not love. I don't have the skills to hone in cooking, everything is a battle for me - I still measure the amount of milk I add to scrambled eggs.

The worst part for me now is that I have the boys, I don't want her running herself down to them all the time. She deserves their respect as well as their love. But if she continues to tell them she is no good at stuff, they will not respect her. As well, it leaves them with the unspoken message that unless you are perfect, your best is not good enough. I can't seem to find the words that will make her understand this. She already does it with them and the language is starting to be used by my oldest.

Argh

Not liking post baby PMS

Before I had my first child, I was one of the lucky women with little to no PMS issues - no bloating, no mood swings, no cramping. Then after my first, I noticed that I seemed to have some cramping and was a little more moody. Now after 2 and with the help of an IUD, I am like something out of a joke about women with PMS. I find it hard to believe that just having children has caused this - it likely is also a result of the chronic fatigue associated with 2 toddlers running around, the extreme change in my exercise - from 10+ hours a week with a focus on being competitive in my sport to barely getting 3 x 20 mins walks a week, the stress of responsibility and then the change in hormones.

Today was one of those PMS days - I'm so fat (I can't believe it is just bloating) that I am wearing pants that were loose at 5 months PG that are tight today, I'm angry at Phil that he did not limit the video call with his parents to about 15 mins, rather it turned into 40 mins ruining my unspoken plan of walking with the boys to go shopping (really, the boys are the star of the video call and it would have been petty to suggest Phil do the call then take the boys away during the call), angry that my computer seems to have some stupid virus, angry that I'm so very tired, angry that the weather has turned and most of all angry that I can't think my way through this!!!!

After my shower, I looked at myself in the mirror and almost just locked the door and stayed in the bathroom all day.

I just want to be normal again. I want to exercise again and I'm frustrated that for whatever reason I have not chosen to prioritize it in my life.

ARGH -PMS SUCKS!!!!

"There's a problem with me" & other cuties

Adam is starting to stall at bedtime. Well, really, he has been doing this for the last month.

For a while it was: "There's a problem with me" and when asked what it was, he would hmm and haw. Then he moved on to "I need a Mommy cuddle" - how do you say no to that? Now he is on to *needing* to use the potty - like every 10 mins. Usually followed up with a "I need a Mommy cuddle" and once in a while there is still "There's a problem with me". All in all - quite adorable.

Alex has mostly grown out of the scrunching his nose up, closing his eyes to slits and then looking to see who is looking at him. Now he is on to screaming. When he is eating and wants a drink - scream. When he is done drinking - scream. When he wants something different to eat - scream. When he wants his bottle - scream. I could continue, but it is more of the same. His screams are not long or hard on the ear. Short burst of scream and then waiting to see if something happens. It is when nothing happens that it gets funny -a few more screams, then tears, then the nose scrunch/eye close.

Both have quick laughs and ready smiles, which are constant through all these other phases. It is good that some things are constant.

Just cause I have a minute

I'm waiting for a sim to compile to see if I can figure out why the PC transaction is not being processed.

Alex is walking like a manic - he walks almost every where when he is home. Adam seems to have the hange of "owning" using the potty during the day. All in all, the boys are good.

Last night after supper, we walked to homestead ice cream for a birthday treat for Phil. Adam, Alex and I shared a cone. It was the first time Alex had ice cream and he was so excited. I think part of it was the ice cream itself, I think part of it was getting to do what everyone else was doing. He was so happy to be a part of it.

The first time Adam had ice cream was when we went to Mike & Sam's wedding, so July 2007, he would have been 14 or 15 months old. Alex is almost 14 months, so it is in the same time frame.

I know sometimes people think I am overly restrictive in what the boys get in the way of treats, but there are serious weight issues on both sides the family. I feel like I have to try and break the cycle of filling up on crap food on a regular basis. Adam does get desert once a week, and cookies here and there. Alex can now have ice cream once a week. Both boys are happy and healthy so I will continue doing what I do.

Behind on on-line relationships

I don't visit many places on line - a Mom's website, facebook and a few blogs. After being sick, I was working extra hours in the evenings last week and then we went away on the weekend so I have lost touch with all my on line peeps. I'm sure they all understand how life is and I am not worried that they will shun me when I finally have time to reconnect.

It is more than my on line peeps - it is my friends IRL as well.

I love this work I am doing, but it is so hard to shut off and maintain balance (because I love it so much). In the evenings I find myself watching the clock to see how much longer it is before start bed time routine with the boys so that I can log back into work and do some sims. The other job was so soul killing that I had no problem shutting off at night, but had a problem getting through the day.

There must be a happy medium somewhere. There has to be a job that I enjoy doing, but is not so all consuming that I feel like I'm missing out on being with my family when I am phyically with them, but mentally debugging some code I wrote near day's end.

Relentless

When people ask me what it is like being a parent, I struggle to find the words to express the totality of being parent since there are not enough words to cover it all.

This week, I thought of a new word to add to the description - relentless.

No matter how all encompassing your job may be, your hobbies may be, whatever, there is always the option of a sick day or a vacation day. With parenting, no matter how sick you may be or how much you may need a break - there are no sick days, no vacation days. (Well, I guess there are always options, but breaking up my family right now is not a viable option for me)

Everyone was sick this week and the needs of the boys were greater than ever. During the middle of the night when I so desperately wanted to sleep but was holding one of the boys, the word relentless popped into my head.

I will have to remember to use that word when my young nieces tell me they want to start families.