Quiet

I'm up before the rest of the house this morning - it is not too early, normal waking time, but without the alarm to wake Phil or the showers to wake the boys, they are still asleep. I lay in bed for a while, but my lower back was too sore to stay there any more.

I'm unhappy right now and not sure why. Is it that Monday I start working again and I my desk is not clean enough for me to actually work on? Is it the on-going struggle between working and staying at home with the boys? Is it the fact that the backlawn, well the whole yard really, is so poorly maintained that it is demoralizing to look out back? Is it the fact that my allergies have been in overdrive for at least 3 weeks and I can't remember the last time I woke up refreshed instead of struggling to breathe? Is it the fact that I'm 20 lbs overweight and so in active it is unbelievable? Is it that I just feel like there is no space for me anymore and wonder if I made a mistake in getting married? Is it that I miss Mike and Sam being next door and am not looking forward to living next door to renters? Is it that I did not get everything done in 2 weeks before holidays that would have allowed me to feel like I understood our finances and what our options are? Is it that I am just thinking too much?

So I sit quietly typing, listening to the deafening tick tock of our kitchen clock, scared to move, scared to make a coffee, scared to turn off the alarm system so I can go outside to weed because I don't want the rest of the house to wake up just yet.

I hope nobody reads this post, it is more than I really want to share since it is incomplete and does not capture all the joy and happiness that I have in my life, but I need to write it down to process it, to move forward.