Will writing it help?

So this entry is really a feel-sorry-for-myself-trying-to-sort-stuff-out entry.

It is turning into a tough day. Alex has slept through the night for 4 nights in a row so I'm getting some sleep. I had hoped that once I got a few good nights of sleep that my mood would brighten and some of my old productivity would come back. Alas, that is not happening.

Alex is trying to nap right now, slept for 45 mins and has been crying now for 45 mins. I would pick him up, but I know he is tired and would not be happy being up, but yet he is not happy being down. When he has naps like this (normally 2 times in a week) it is really tough for me to do anything. I can't concentrate, all I can do is sit and cry.


But back to being productive - there is so much to do, but I can't seem to do any of it. Everything I could do seems so futile and once done rarely leaves me with a sense of accomplishment. To declutter an area only to have it recluttered by the time I go to bed, to wash only to have it dirtied again, it is demoralizing.

Part of the issue is how much time i spend in the house - it feels more like a prison than a place of refuge. But right now for Alex I need to be here since he is starting to get this napping thing down and won't really nap anywhere other than a crib or a playpen. With the wasps being so aggressive, sitting out in the yard is not even an option for me right now.

When Alex is napping, I'm always on edge, waiting for him to cry or wake up so my attempts to do some programming or something that requires me to concentrate have left me feeling like a failure rather than energizing me. Starting an exercise program 2 weeks ago made me feel really bad about myself, not better.

I find myself wanting to go back to work now. I'm convincing myself it will all be better when I'm working, when in fact it will be worse since there will be less time to spend with my family and to get everything done than there is now.

I will be glad when this post partum bit is over (not wishing time to go faster) since I really want my old me back. I want to be able to make a list and then check off the things on the list. I want to stop crying and start living again. I want to start exercising again. I want to be happy - it has been a long time since I was happy.

ok, enough feeling sorry for myself, I will fold diapers and put away the clean clothes - maybe that will help me get going.