A meeting and a drop off

Square peg in a round hole.

That is the best way to summarize my feelings for the last 24 hours.

We had our monthly parent association meeting last night.  It went all right, but for whatever reason, it made me feel like an outsider, like being a teenager all over again.  Nice enough group of women, but I don't fell like I fit in, I feel like I'm always left out.  It made me feel lonely and friendless.

Then this morning, likely because I was still processing last night, I was devastated at making my youngest cry when I dropped him off for the day.  The boys let it slip that Mom was taking them shopping to buy yet more toys for her house.  That is 3 new "big" toys in 3 weeks, when they have come off a trip to Disneyland and got a bunch of new stuff there.  I told the boys that I did not want them to go in and have the first thing out of their months be "when are you taking us to buy new toys" or words to that affect.  So of course, in he runs and asks right away, before hello, before anything.  I got mad at him and he broke into tears, real tears - I can tell the difference, disappointed in himself for forgetting that he was not to say anything until (if) my Mom did.  Then that lead to me talking to Mom about the parade of toys which ended with me saying something like "i'm not telling you what you can or cant' do, I'm only telling you that if the toys keep coming at your place, i will start to take away toys at home" which of course hurt her.

I could not bring myself to go to work since I hurt so much at hurting my son I was (and still am) crying.  I had to work at home today.

My intent was not to hurt anyone just because I hurt, but it seems I am crap at communicating with my Mom and my youngest.  I always seem to hurt them and they don't seem to get the message I'm trying to convey.

Right now we can afford to the give the boys whatever they want, but that is not the point, nor a good thing to do, in my opinion.  They need to learn to wait and save/work for what they want and then to value what they have.  They don't value their toys here and they don't have too, there is always something new at Granny's.

I feel like I'm out of phase in every area of my life.  It is lonely to be out of phase.  And now I have to get it together and go over to Mom's for supper and act like nothing bothered me.  A part of me wishes my husband was still in England so I could be alone tonight after the boys go to bed.  I need to be alone for awhile to stop being lonely.