How did I get here?

Let me start by saying I love my husband, love my kids and would not trade them for anything, in fact I would trade many treasures to keep them if need be.  Bold statements like that are usually followed by "but...." or "however....", and this is not the exception that proves the rule.

When I was growing up in my middle class home that had the normal amount of dysfunction, I observed my Dad going to work and my Mom doing all the housework.  Then as we got older, Mom got a part time job and still did all the house work.  Now they are retired and she still does all the house work.  Part of it was roles in the house in the early years, part of it is her incrediably high standards that no one seeems to meet and part of it is because she gains a sense of accomplishment from some ascpects of the task.

I wanted my Dad's role.

So fast forward and for approximately 20 years of my adult life, I lived alone.  I only had to cook and clean for myself.  There were no expecations, no critisms, no hard feelings.  I was hungry, I cooked.  I made a mess, I cleaned.

Then I got married to a man who had a similar amoung of time on his own.  We settled into he cooked, I cleaned.  We shared most of the house work.  It felt equal.

Then we had children and he changed careers.  Now I cook (x4) and clean (x4) and get the kids to where they need to go for almost everything they need to do.  Oh, and I also still work full time and support my husband as he starts a new business and makes very little money.

I woke up last night and could not get back to sleep.  This was one of the variuos threads running through my head.  When did I become the thing I most did not want to be...the woman who does it all???  I don't know how to change things.  I have started fantizing about separating from my husband with joint custody so at least I would have every other week where I was not doing everything.  I squash those thoughts pretty quickly because I don't want that energy out in the universe.  As I said, I would not trade my family for anything and would trade many things to keep my family!

But I'm tired and feel myself getting bitter towards my husband.  I does not help that he is under a great deal of stress with his Mom's health right now so I don't feel like now is the time to add to his stress.

I did not want my Mom's role, and now it is what I have.