I've got Christmas backwards

For a number of years, 10 to be exact, I did not spend Christmas with my family. It was not a big deal - the first year I moved to Ottawa, it was a late in year posting and I did not have the money to fly home. It felt like the best Christmas ever. Unlike what most would expect, spending Christmas alone, far from any family was not sad, did not trigger the blues. Instead it energized me.

Now, I spend Christmas with family again - the last 4 years have been with either my family or my husbands family. While they have not been bad, they have not been great. I have gone from decorating the house and being "christmasy" starting in earlier Dec to this year wondering if I can get away with no decorations or tree.

It may still be some ppd hanging on, but I don't think so. It is different. PPD felt like I was outside myself and was dark. I am not dark anymore, but I just don't enjoy Christmas like I did for that decade. Now I feel like there are too many people to be accommodated and no one ends up enjoying the day. There is the work of a big meal, the socializing regardless if you want to or not.

Perhaps it is just the natural change process we all go through in life where our likes and dislikes change over time. Perhaps it is the feeling like it is not for me anymore, that rather it is just one more thing in my life that is for other people. What ever it is, I feel bad for my husband since I was definitely different about Christmas when he met me.

Leadership in Innovation

I find the biggest barrier I have to writing a blog entry is choosing a title, and then it takes me so long to convince myself to just start writing and choose a title at the end that I end up with not enough time to write OR I forget what I wanted to say. Today it is having forgotten what I wanted to say.

On the bus to work, I often read a magazine called Engineering & Technology that we get because of my husband's membership in the IEE. In addition to interesting technology articles there are also articles on IT and Management. Today I was reading an article in the 8 - 21 Nov 2008 issue of E&T called "Leading the Way in Innovation".

The article included a list from the Boston Consulting Group (BCG) of 5 common characteristics that distinguish the innovation leaders:

The ability to tolerate ambiguity
The ability to assess and be comfortable with risk
The ability to balance passion and objectivity
The ability to change
The ability to command respect, even from sceptics

The list closely reflects the attributes I believe are essential for all leaders and ones I have worked hard to develop in myself. Have I been successful? I guess one would have to ask the people I have worked with in the past.

This is a post that will likely never be published based on the number of start/stop/backspace combo's that have happened in the last 5 mins. There is also the sound of a child waking coming from down the hall so time is limited.

This past week I actually worked about 80% instead of my 60% and was at work all 5 days. When combined with a mid-week sick child and a husband on call who was gone for a good deal of Saturday, it results in me being sick and no groceries being bought. So now the pressing task this Sunday AM is to go grocery shopping.

But before the house wakes up and the day becomes a manic rush from one thing to the next, I could work on my how-to-quit-my-job strategy. I realized this week that I don't want to work where I am currently working, it has only been about 7 weeks, but it is not a good fit. It is funny, before kids I would have taken longer to make this decision. Now I am choosing to spend time at work rather than with my children. Given that is what I am choosing between, my work better be a source of joy and, on balance, a postive experience.

People before profit

Since starting back to work, I have more time to read - time on the bus to and from work, time alone pumping, time.

I read a really interesting article called people before profit. It was about the unique organizational structure and work environment at WL Gore - the company that developed Gortex.

A quote from some one who works there "But here it's about individuals and it's about trust. Which is why we have leaders and not bosses." Associates (and everyone is an associate) choose to follow leaders rather than having bosses assigned to them. They commit to projects of their own choice rather than having tasks delegated to them. There is a believe that in order to innovate, you need both time and trust. In fact, 10% of an associates time is set aside for project work separate from the day job.

It got me to thinking if I could work in such an environment. It is an interesting thought.

Reflections on going back to work

This was my first week back to work after being on mat leave since February. Instead of going back to the same job, I am starting a new job with a new employer. It was only 3 days, but it was a tough week.

The first day, my feet were killing me. It made me wonder if I had worn shoes at all while I was off work. By the end of the day, I had to have my shoes off and under my desk. My feet adjusted quickly and by the end of the week, my feet were back to normal. Still, I will have to book the appointment for the birthday pedicure Phil bought for me.

The change in routine was tough. Normally mornings with the boys was a relaxed affair and it was about a 90 min turn around time from the boys waking to leaving for childcare. On work days, it is now a 40 min turn around - no more playing trains, no more reading together, just a quick breakfast and gone.

The evenings have been tough as well. Phil has been getting home late this week, so I get home with the boys just before 5, and then it is the trick of making supper for the 3 of us while heating Alex's food and trying to feed him. Then it is bathing and a final nurse for Alex, followed by bathing and bed for Adam. Once they are down, then it is cleaning up from their day at childcare, cleaning up from supper, packing packs for the next day and doing any prep for the next day's supper that is possible.

It struck me that while so much as changed for women, Gloris S was right that the movement has not been successful yet. Instead of being equal in our responsibilities, most women are doing it all - working outside the home and then doing all (or most of) the child raising and housework as well. That has been our week. I'm here to say that it needs to change! I'm not sure what the solution is because it is not like Phil is off drinking with the boys, he is working to a schedule that is out of his control. But I do know I won't be able to (nor do i want to) keep this up. I also know the solution is not for me to quit working.

I have not even addressed the issue of pumping while at work since I would like to have Alex still having breast milk up to about 9 months. Between trying to find a place other than a bathroom stall and trying to find a time that works for my work schedule and my body, it was a demoralizing week. My pumping does not result in enough milk to meet his needs, so I have started to supplement him with formula as well. Nothing against formula, it was always the plan after 9 months. I do wonder how long I will actually pump before I give up.

It is an interesting journey trying to reclaim part of me now with 2 children and Phil having a more time and physically demanding job compared to when Adam was born.

Rainy days and kids

Today is a rainy saturday in october. I know rainy days are supposed to be more depressing than uplifting, but an unexpected walk in the rain with 2 children has a way to brighten the day. Eagerly lifting up a face to the sky with an open mouth to catch the drops, the giggles of delight at the way the rain tickles, the snuggling closer into Mom to share with her your delight.

Then when we get to the mall, the excitement continues. Riding the moving stairs and walking over the bridges. Seeing the toys in the store but never finding the elusive table where the trains can be played. Carrying a package for Mom. When a fun song comes over the loud speaker, dancing and laughing with delight.

Being out with the children makes me realize how much we self censor our enjoyment of the little things all around us as we get older, more jaded, more wordly. I realize now how short the time of wonder is and I hope that neither of my boys are cheated out of a second of knowing the wonder of the world around them.

Packing up clothes for the last time

I spent some time this morning cleaning out clothes to give away. Phil cleaned out his clothes on the weekend. I was struck by how hard it is to give away clothes sometimes.

First were the older clothes in the back of the closets. The skinny/fat clothes that all woman seem to have in their closets. As I folded the $20 dress I bought more than 10 years ago for a cruise that I was going on with some friends, I closed my eyes was back on the ship. The long days in the sun and evenings spent dancing and having fun all came back. The urge to hang up the dress that I know I will never wear again was very strong.

Then there were the maternity clothes. Realizing that I would never again know the joy of having a life growing inside me was a sad moment. The excitement and fear of meeting a new child all came back.

The packing up of the baby clothes was perhaps the hardest. I had to make a couple of trips into Alex's room to see my little baby to remind myself that giving away clothes for 6 month and younger children did not mean my babies had grown up yet.

It is odd how emotionally attached people become to things, like clothes. There are still more clothes to go through - all the sports t-shirts from fun runs and swim meets over the years. Hopefully they will be easier to sort through than the clothes that were in the closet.