The system is broken

Just when I thought I was starting to cope with the kids, my work and Phil's work routines, boom we get hit with a cold snap and the fragility of my system is revealed just before it starts to break.

Not for lack of desire, but I don't have my brother's Christmas card written or sent. I don't have my parents gift(s) bought. It was Monday before I realized how close Christmas was and there is no more time - Phil is on call this week and weekend so I can't get out shopping without the kids. Shopping with the kids (the weekend before Christmas - ack) leaves me a 2 hour window on Saturday IF neither of them deviate from their routine. Since 30 mins of the that 2 hours would be getting ready and getting there time, then another 15 mins to get home, that leave 1 hr 15 mins of shopping time. Even without a curious toddler in tow, that is a short period of time to shop.

And there are no meals! Once again I will have to buy lunch because I have not cooked any lunches for myself. There is nothing defrosted for supper and I have no ideas. ARGH!!!!

So what I need is a job that allows me to work an average of 5 hours a day (so a 25 hours work week) that allows me, for the most part, flexibility in my hours and will pay me about $3250 a month ($39k per year).

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm not sure I can make it to the end of the 2 projects I am working on before I have to quit. I mean, my hours are going to be increasing in January -ARGH!!!!

Night Waking

Last night Alex started babbling about 2 PM - he was not upset, he just had noises to make and a crib to kick. I only woke up because I had left the monitor on in the living room so it sounded like he was out there making loud noise. Since he should not be able to escape his crib, let alone his room yet, it woke me up in a freaked out kind of way. So I turned off the monitor but it was too late, I was awake and only fell asleep again about 4 for 90 minutes until the alarm went off.

Years ago I read an article about how if all the woman over 40 who were awake in the middle of the night could some how figure out how to use the that time for changing the world, what an amazing force it would be. At the time I thought it was a cute little article. Now, sadly, I know it was likely written by the poor author who was awake for whatever reason in the middle of the night more often than not.

There is always the internal debate of what to do once you realize you are more awake than you want to be. Do I lie in the dark room and try to get fall back asleep or at least get some rest? Do I get up and empty the dishwasher, do some work on the computer or do something else productive? I can only imagine how my Java skills would progress if I convinced myself to do some programming.

But for today, I will drag my tired arse through the day and long for bedtime tonight.

Putting up the Christmas Tree

We put our tree up on Sunday. Adam was intrigued with the box and even more so when Phil put the centre pole and top of the tree together. So I told Adam which piece to take out of the box and to hand to his Dad. Man, was Adam proud of himself for helping his Dad. While Adam was sleeping, I put the lights on the tree. Then after the nap, Adam directed Phil where to put the ornaments.

All in all, I was amazed at how much Adam enjoyed being part of the process and will have to be vigilant for opportunities for him to try new things. Sometimes as a parent we want to be helpful to our children and end up doing more than we should for them. Intellectually I know this robs the child of a sense of accomplishment when they can do something they see Mom and Dad do, but it is hard sometimes to realize that you are even doing it!

So while Adam does not know what the purpose of the tree is, or that in a few weeks there will be presents underneath it for him to open, just the tree it self is exciting.

And Alex??? Well he was just excited that Adam's train track was left unguarded and he could do his roll and destroy mission without having to worry about getting caught by Adam.

I've got Christmas backwards

For a number of years, 10 to be exact, I did not spend Christmas with my family. It was not a big deal - the first year I moved to Ottawa, it was a late in year posting and I did not have the money to fly home. It felt like the best Christmas ever. Unlike what most would expect, spending Christmas alone, far from any family was not sad, did not trigger the blues. Instead it energized me.

Now, I spend Christmas with family again - the last 4 years have been with either my family or my husbands family. While they have not been bad, they have not been great. I have gone from decorating the house and being "christmasy" starting in earlier Dec to this year wondering if I can get away with no decorations or tree.

It may still be some ppd hanging on, but I don't think so. It is different. PPD felt like I was outside myself and was dark. I am not dark anymore, but I just don't enjoy Christmas like I did for that decade. Now I feel like there are too many people to be accommodated and no one ends up enjoying the day. There is the work of a big meal, the socializing regardless if you want to or not.

Perhaps it is just the natural change process we all go through in life where our likes and dislikes change over time. Perhaps it is the feeling like it is not for me anymore, that rather it is just one more thing in my life that is for other people. What ever it is, I feel bad for my husband since I was definitely different about Christmas when he met me.

Leadership in Innovation

I find the biggest barrier I have to writing a blog entry is choosing a title, and then it takes me so long to convince myself to just start writing and choose a title at the end that I end up with not enough time to write OR I forget what I wanted to say. Today it is having forgotten what I wanted to say.

On the bus to work, I often read a magazine called Engineering & Technology that we get because of my husband's membership in the IEE. In addition to interesting technology articles there are also articles on IT and Management. Today I was reading an article in the 8 - 21 Nov 2008 issue of E&T called "Leading the Way in Innovation".

The article included a list from the Boston Consulting Group (BCG) of 5 common characteristics that distinguish the innovation leaders:

The ability to tolerate ambiguity
The ability to assess and be comfortable with risk
The ability to balance passion and objectivity
The ability to change
The ability to command respect, even from sceptics

The list closely reflects the attributes I believe are essential for all leaders and ones I have worked hard to develop in myself. Have I been successful? I guess one would have to ask the people I have worked with in the past.

This is a post that will likely never be published based on the number of start/stop/backspace combo's that have happened in the last 5 mins. There is also the sound of a child waking coming from down the hall so time is limited.

This past week I actually worked about 80% instead of my 60% and was at work all 5 days. When combined with a mid-week sick child and a husband on call who was gone for a good deal of Saturday, it results in me being sick and no groceries being bought. So now the pressing task this Sunday AM is to go grocery shopping.

But before the house wakes up and the day becomes a manic rush from one thing to the next, I could work on my how-to-quit-my-job strategy. I realized this week that I don't want to work where I am currently working, it has only been about 7 weeks, but it is not a good fit. It is funny, before kids I would have taken longer to make this decision. Now I am choosing to spend time at work rather than with my children. Given that is what I am choosing between, my work better be a source of joy and, on balance, a postive experience.

People before profit

Since starting back to work, I have more time to read - time on the bus to and from work, time alone pumping, time.

I read a really interesting article called people before profit. It was about the unique organizational structure and work environment at WL Gore - the company that developed Gortex.

A quote from some one who works there "But here it's about individuals and it's about trust. Which is why we have leaders and not bosses." Associates (and everyone is an associate) choose to follow leaders rather than having bosses assigned to them. They commit to projects of their own choice rather than having tasks delegated to them. There is a believe that in order to innovate, you need both time and trust. In fact, 10% of an associates time is set aside for project work separate from the day job.

It got me to thinking if I could work in such an environment. It is an interesting thought.