Christmas 2011

I can't believe it has been over 5 months since I wrote something. Today I read an interesting article in the paper. The headline was "Have game plan to avoid holiday stress". Not sure what prompted me to read it. I don't really have any holiday stress since we did not travel this year. As well, these type of articles tend to be re-hashes of basic advice on how to survive the holidays. Maybe it was because I was tired that I read it in the hopes of something light.

Then I hit the two quotes from Dr Louise Nadeau that made me glad I read the article:

• "There's an obligation for happiness when in fact it's not necessarily linked to how people feel"
  
• "Some people would prefer to read a book at Christmas and not be with people with whom they don't share values or have discussions that really interest them"
  

It made me realize that if someone had been observing me for the last week, they would have a very skewed idea of what I like to do. It seems like it has been an endless parade of food preparation and cleaning up dishes (thank goodness for the dishwasher and the financial means to run it twice a day). It has been evenings of wishing I could do something else. It has been a slow decent in the semi - coma state that is brought on by too much chocolate and lack of exercise.

Don't get me wrong, there have been great moments like swimming with the whole family, skating with the boys, turkey dinner for 10, the delight of Christmas with my husband and sons. They are the overriding memories I am trying to store from this holiday season.

But there is a great deal of compromise and just straight up logistical support tasks required when there are 3 extra adults in your house, all of whom are related to you and all of whom you see infrequently. There is, indeed, an obligation for happiness.

Reading the article made me feel more "normal" in some way. I realized that I am not horrible for feeling like I do, wishing for some time alone when I know all too soon I will be on business travel, away from my family and missing them. But I have to be honest, i like to build a puzzle by myself at Christmas. I don't enjoy it nearly as much when doing it with someone else or watching someone else do it.

Thomas Land

We took the boys to Thomas land on Sunday. It is amazing the difference two years make. This time Adam wanted to try all the rides, so of course Alex wanted to try them all. The one they enjoyed the most was driving Terrence the Tractor. They got to press the gas and steer all on their own. The roller coaster was a mixed success. Adam really wanted to go on it and Alex was less sure. Then it turned out that Adam did not enjoy it and Alex loved it! It was an expensive day, but so worth the money.

Yesterday, we took the boys for a walk through Sutton Park to get to a play park. It was a long walk, probably 2 km. They whined a litle to start but once we got in the park, they really enjoyed the walk through the paths.

Today we are going to visit Phil's Grandmother.

The working afternoons/evenings is going well, so while I miss the boys, it is a good compromise of vacation and work.

Early mornings

The boys are up early today compared to the last few days, Adam at 5:30 and Alex at 6:00 compared to 8. I'm enjoying watching them play with their new toys they got while I was at work yesterday. Last night we went to Greg and Gemma's and had a nice visit. Today is a day of family visits. I need to make sure 2 things happen: I get out for my coffee and the boys get out to a park to play.

Vacation

Taking a few days off work - Canada day in the park, trip to visit the in-laws, seeing some friends, celebrating our 6th anniversary. We took the boys on the bike to the Canada Day celebrations. Adam thought riding on the copilot was the "awesomest". Alex is looking forward to when he is tall enough to ride that way, too. I am filled with joy these days. Still can't believe that my live has taken the turn it has. If I won the lottery, the only changes I would make would be:

Travel business class
Only take carry on luggage and buy what I need

Pretty small list I think.

The old and the new

Last night the ex-PMC people met nominally on the 4th anniversary of the shutting of the office. It was great to see everyone and once again I was amazed at how everyone landed on their feet after the office shut down. It is also interesting how things have changed. The office here is starting to grow again. I was disappointed initially that the timing meant I could not rejoin, but then I remembered that before the office was closed, I was considering leaving because it was time for a change. I have always believed you can't go back, as well, you can't hold on to the past.

So I'm excited again about my current job and will enjoy my trip to the client site this week. It means a chance to meet some new people, learn new technologies and be exposed to a different process to achieve that which I have achieved in the past. I like collecting new experiences.

Finding Joy - day 1

Today I resolve to find joy in two places. Yesterday I found it having supper with the boys. We were assigning each other fake names from their favorite tv programs.

I may also start working on a new contract today, which would be helpful for my concentration. It is funny how I often long for time to just learn, but when I had it, it was demoralizing,

Yesterday I did two things: decided to prioritize my exercise over everything else and I self medicated my anger with chocolate. I'm not proud of the chocolate eating. I was trying to give it up again. It was not a craving, though, that I gave into. Instead it was searching for a way to not feel anger. I was hoping the chemical reaction would help. It did a little, but not enough to be with the upset stomach!

My right arm hurt this morning

I have been angry alot lately - angry at my kids for not listening, angry at my Mom for not having boundries, angry at my husband for not helping more around the house, angry at me for not having more grace and coping skills. Angry that the house is in a state of reno's and disarray. Angry that even without reno's, the house is never free from clutter. If I'm truthful, angry at the weather not cooperating with my desire for spring and warmer weather.

But then this morning after dropping the boys off the boys, when I got home, I realized my right bicep was sore, not a sore I could explain nor ignore. It made me realize that if I have my Dad's genes, I am due a heart attack in the next 10 years. All his siblings had one in their early 50's, Dad had his at 54. I don't want to have a heart attack. I want to stop being angry and just be. I want to let the situation wash over me and be not become emotional about the behaviour of other people or all the other things I can't control like, like the weather.

Is this menopause? I don't have the hot flashes, but I have anger.