Where did my mind go today

When I run, or really do any workout, my mind usually ends up in one of four places:

• the past - a warm memory, a regret, something forgotten to be done
• the present - what do I need to do today, some problem I'm struggling with
• the future - where do I want to be 5 years from now, how will things change over time
• my body and its function

Usually my thoughts start off with how my body feels and then moves to the past/present/future for a while. At some point between the 1/2 way point and being finished, my mind goes back to how my body feels.

Today I ran by a house that I lived in during university with 3 of my friends. My thoughts were taken back to the carefree days of university, when my biggest struggle was getting my assignments in on time. I have blocked out the feelings of being overwhelmed with too much home work or the burning desire to be finished school so I could start working. I only remember the incrediable freedom of only being responsible for myself - if I got an answer wrong, it was only me who was penalized - my company did not stand to loss money or worse because of a simple mistake I made.

When my mind came back to my body, I felt powerful with each footfall and intake of cold air. The blood running through my body tingled from trying to the oxygen to where it needed to be. It is that feeling that gets me out the door and helps me stay on track. It is that feeling that makes exercise a joy for me, not a chore that needs to be done.

I've started running again. I have my plan to get back in shape and hopefully run a marathon next year. Starting slow - more walking than running right now, but I have a 6 week plan to change the ratio.

My left hip is so sore that I'm thinking some pre-emptive physio is in order. I had forgotten what it was like to start exercising after a prolonged time away. It really hurts. I'm excited to be active again and try to hold on the vision of where I will be if I just stay with it. Luckily Phil bought me a GPS watch 2 years ago - it is surprizingly motivating for me to use it.

I don't want to share my running with anyone IRL - no running partners, no updates, nothing. It is my private place right now. I have no expectations of myself and don't want people's well meaning but oh so irritating movtivational sayings.

Now I just need to get my food will power back - no more letting myself be sabatoged. Need to get back to being ruthless - if I tell people I'm watching what I eat and they still buy or make me something outside of what I want to eat, I will just be firm and through it out if need be.

Some excel macros

I took the time to learn how to write a simple excel macro today that took me about 1 hour to learn but will save me at least 10 hours of work. I'm very proud of myself. Here is my code:

Code to copy from one workbook into another
Sub firstTry()
ActiveCell.Range("A1:B5") = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("A1:B5").Value
End Sub

Code to combine 2 cells into 1
Sub firstTry()
X = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("A1").Value
Y = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("B1").Value
ActiveCell.Range("A1") = X & " - " & Y
End Sub

Code to combine A1 and B1 from one worksheet and write it into another worksheet's column A
Sub firstTry()
For i = 1 To 5
X = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Cells(i, 1).Value
Y = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Cells(i, 2).Value
Cells(i, 1) = X & " - " & Y
Next i
End Sub

It's only Tuesday

It's only Tuesday and I did not have anything I could bring for my lunch today and have no plan for supper. Ack.

Ok, really need to get on finding a job with reduced hours. Problem is that at my current job, my project has gone south and to leave now would make me feel like I'm quitting cause it is hard.

Phil needs more time to spend on the business in the evening so that leaves me with all the stuff to do in the house and with the children. I don't know where the solution lies - quitting work completely would make me bitter, working makes me stressed. Neither state is good for my health.

I remember when it was easier. I just want to retreat and watch tv all day - that is never a good sign.

Work and children - struggle continues

In 5 days it will be 3 months since I have been back to work. Certainly, I think, long enough to have quelled the internal struggle I have every morning and evening trying to balance work and home now that there are children. I realized yesterday that 2 hours every day are spent in transit - taking the boys to childcare then taking the bus to work in the morning and then doing it the other way round after work. 2 hours - that is crazy in a town this size. That is like what I spent in Ottawa when working at TMI when there was bad traffic. I so wish it was an option for Phil to either drop off or pick up the kids, but it would mean they either had to be at childcare before 7 AM (instead of 7:30 now) or not get picked up until well after 5 and then home well past 5:30. I can't justify getting them up earlier or having them wait so long for their supper.

Part of me knows that I need to work for my own sanity. Rightly or wrongly, my work is part of the definition of who I am. That is not to say it is my number 1 priority, but when life is rolling along and priority decisions are not required, I need to work.

Part of me hates that someone else is effectively raising my children. I have lost touch with who they are because they are both going through some changes right now. Adam has taken to hanging out in his room to suck his thumb - that can't be good. Alex needs to have more foods introduced - both variety and quantity. For whatever reasons, there has not been meals made for him lately and I don't know the last time he had protien. So he is living on formula, fruit and vegtables. As well, he should be starting to eat breakfast, but there is not time to introduce a waffle for Alex into the morning 40 min scramble that is currently part of our morning routine.

We are so far from where we thought we would be when we first talked about kids and potentially Phil staying home for the first few years. I know he feels like he does not have enough time with the children either, but it always appears to me that he chooses to not hear Adam when he is trying to talk to him or he can tune out what the boys are doing to read his e-mail or he can completely discount their food needs until it is too late to effectively do anything about them.

So where to go from here is what I need to figure out - quit completely, find a job with less hours, ask Phil to quit his job or find a job with less hours. I don't know.

Trying video upload

Writing when happy is hard

The downfall of every journal I have ever tried to keep is that when I am happy (which is most of the time) I am not motivated to write. When I am dark or trying to work through something, I seem to really want to write.

I would like this blog to be happy, not just sad or me working stuff out. So I'm going to try and force myself to write at least once a week and hopefully on days like today when I am happy the blog will have a happy post.

Alex started to crawl this week, actually on Monday the 5th. He is so excited with is new found mobility. Now he likes to crawl to someone to get them to walk him around. Soon enough he will be walking without help.

Adam has had a mixed week. He is trying to learn how to have an effective tantrum, which is tough on him. He is intersted in associating words that we print with the things that they describe, especially the engines in the Thomas story. I will have to go google to see if knowing his alphabet and counting to 39 is just where he should be or if he is ahead/behind. Regardless, Phil and I are impressed with his ability.