Feeling Alone

I wonder if everyone feels alone and a wee bit isolated or if it just part of my personality?

For as long as I remember, I have always had the feeling that people don't really like me, they just are too polite to tell me to piss off. Before Phil, I only had one romantic relationship where I felt accepted for me. All the rest, the work was in trying to figure out how to behave so that the other person would like me and want to be around me. With Phil, I have always felt like he likes me for who I really am (you know, he may not like parts of me, but on the whole, he likes me).

But even with my friends, there have only been a few female friends that I have felt really like me - and right now there are none in my day to day life. I find it tough to make friends since I am always feeling like I am intruding.

The stupidest thing triggered this line of thought, but hopefully it will go away soon. If not, I can just remove the trigger from my life.

But for now, it makes me feel very alone and loney.

Thankful for the routine

I am once again thankful for all the effort we put into being consistent and firm with the boys on bed time. There are days where I'm not sure my sanity would be intact if I did not know that by 7:15 each night, they are both in bed and done for the night (barring illness). And it is not just me who appreciates the routine, watching their little bodies relax as we start the routine of bath, book and bed.

All that is left to do tonight is fold one load of laundry. Ok, so I did not do all the laundry I needed to do today. Instead we went to the WDM to see model trains. Adam loved it! He is starting to need more attention and has developed this whining noise to get attention. It is really tough to find the balance between acknowledging his needs without appearing to give into the whining.

It is the whining that made me buy some parenting books - the Positive Parenting series. It generally promotes the same sort of parenting principles we have been following. But now we are starting to get past the point where distraction works as effectively as it did. I find myself what now? What are some different choices I have when trying to modify his behaviour without making him feel bad about himself. I have been reading it on the bus to/from work. The section about time outs was interesting. So while I have been using timeouts, I have not been following the principles outlined. I changed my approach slightly and WOW what a difference.

Another big step today for Adam - at the WDM he told me he needed to use the potty. I took him to the bathroom and he peed on the toilet!!! Both were first times for him. I was so proud of him.

3 things are competing for my mental attention these days:

Adam - is he being left out when we are all home? Alex is so busy and likes to go around the house. Trouble is, while the house is safe for Adam, it is not safe for an 11 month trying to learn to walk and who is pulling himself up on everything. The choice is to lock down the house like fort knox to allow Alex to roam unsupervised but penalizes Adam's freedom or to leave the house as is which penalizes Adam in terms of being able to have some time with parents who aren't always leaving the room to follow Alex. Adam is such an observer and Alex is a doer. I don't Adam to miss out or feel left out.

Work - don't want to be in this job, the culture is not a good fit for me. But what to do in a small market like Saskatoon and with the declining economy? My skills, while good, are not super special and it would be tough to find a good fit for my current work/life balance that I need. 5 hours a day would be ideal - specifically 9 to 3. Not sure if there is a fit for that.

Programming - I want to, but don't seem to prioritize it into my time. Going to try and get 1 hour a day of either Java, SystemC or XCode work done. Perhaps I need to register for a course to get started. I would love to take a course on object oriented coding. I don't use objects effectively and still write procedural code.

Ok that is me right now.

Dance like no one is watching

Or in this case, write like no one is reading.

Yesterday was an interesting day at work. I had a morning meeting that took me hours to recover from and become productive again. While nothing really bad happened, it is 3 hours of my life I will never get back and has left me with a vague sense of not wanting to be part of the team I work with. Hopefully today I will have my game back since there is stuff I want to do today.

On an internet board I belong to we had a long discussion about blogs and privacy. It was interesting and gave me something to think about. When I write, I feel like the whole world may potentially see my words (it is the internet after all) but yet I know that very few, if any, will read my words. I think blogging is like dancing - you either dance with joy like no one is watching or you dance with caution and while still fun, is not the heart pounding joyful release that come with true abandon.

Where did my mind go today

When I run, or really do any workout, my mind usually ends up in one of four places:

• the past - a warm memory, a regret, something forgotten to be done
• the present - what do I need to do today, some problem I'm struggling with
• the future - where do I want to be 5 years from now, how will things change over time
• my body and its function

Usually my thoughts start off with how my body feels and then moves to the past/present/future for a while. At some point between the 1/2 way point and being finished, my mind goes back to how my body feels.

Today I ran by a house that I lived in during university with 3 of my friends. My thoughts were taken back to the carefree days of university, when my biggest struggle was getting my assignments in on time. I have blocked out the feelings of being overwhelmed with too much home work or the burning desire to be finished school so I could start working. I only remember the incrediable freedom of only being responsible for myself - if I got an answer wrong, it was only me who was penalized - my company did not stand to loss money or worse because of a simple mistake I made.

When my mind came back to my body, I felt powerful with each footfall and intake of cold air. The blood running through my body tingled from trying to the oxygen to where it needed to be. It is that feeling that gets me out the door and helps me stay on track. It is that feeling that makes exercise a joy for me, not a chore that needs to be done.

I've started running again. I have my plan to get back in shape and hopefully run a marathon next year. Starting slow - more walking than running right now, but I have a 6 week plan to change the ratio.

My left hip is so sore that I'm thinking some pre-emptive physio is in order. I had forgotten what it was like to start exercising after a prolonged time away. It really hurts. I'm excited to be active again and try to hold on the vision of where I will be if I just stay with it. Luckily Phil bought me a GPS watch 2 years ago - it is surprizingly motivating for me to use it.

I don't want to share my running with anyone IRL - no running partners, no updates, nothing. It is my private place right now. I have no expectations of myself and don't want people's well meaning but oh so irritating movtivational sayings.

Now I just need to get my food will power back - no more letting myself be sabatoged. Need to get back to being ruthless - if I tell people I'm watching what I eat and they still buy or make me something outside of what I want to eat, I will just be firm and through it out if need be.

Some excel macros

I took the time to learn how to write a simple excel macro today that took me about 1 hour to learn but will save me at least 10 hours of work. I'm very proud of myself. Here is my code:

Code to copy from one workbook into another
Sub firstTry()
ActiveCell.Range("A1:B5") = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("A1:B5").Value
End Sub

Code to combine 2 cells into 1
Sub firstTry()
X = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("A1").Value
Y = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Range("B1").Value
ActiveCell.Range("A1") = X & " - " & Y
End Sub

Code to combine A1 and B1 from one worksheet and write it into another worksheet's column A
Sub firstTry()
For i = 1 To 5
X = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Cells(i, 1).Value
Y = Workbooks("scp_trymacro").Worksheets("sheet1").Cells(i, 2).Value
Cells(i, 1) = X & " - " & Y
Next i
End Sub