Aug 6th - 2 birthdays

Yesterday 2 of my friends had birthdays and I was lucky enough to see both of them and have a chance to catch up.

One friend is 2 years older, one is 8 years younger. The older one was a great sounding board for the relationship stuff I have been grappling with and was able to help give me some perspective and validate the way I was feeling.

The common thing with both friends is their joy in life and active life styles. They both inspire me to become active again. I want to share a birthday with them where we all have a recent race story or recent workout to recount rather than my simply listening to their stories with rapt attention.

Struggling to Focus

Wow, what happened during those 5 weeks off? I can not get myself to focus on anything - especially work.

Is it working in my bedroom? Is it wanting to to use my Mac but still not having a vpn client? Is it lack of interest? Is it an inability to grasp the language concepts I need to really dive in with confidence? Is it not being in an office environment? Is it listening to the radio/music while working?

I need to find the silver bullet solution to this folks or soon people will realize that I have not delivered and the schedule impact will be significant.

Don't let go of what sets you free

"There doesn't have to be a number (age or result) associated with doing what you love. His third-place finish on the Champs Elysees is a win for "old farts" everywhere. It is a win for every person who still dreams, still trains, still tries, and still holds on to passion and possibility.

Yes, we should learn to let go of the things that tie us down and hold us back, but we don't have to let go of the things that set us free."

The above is from Kristin Armstrong's blog on 25 July. I love the message - it makes me want to swim!!!

A good day

Today was a good day, this first day of Aug, 2009. Slept in until 6:30, then hit Timmy's on the way to grocery shopping. We rode our bikes to a park (18 km round trip) and played and had a picnic lunch. Then after naps, wii fit with Adam, a little weeding of the garden and then off to Fuddruckers for supper. We stopped at a new park (new to us, long time park) after supper and let the boys climb and play. Finally baths and books and boys to bed. They were happy boys most parts of the day and had huge smiles in the bath. So all in all a good day.

Two sides of the same coin

Last night Adam was awake until 8:30, this morning, he woke up screaming "daddy" and was insistent on having a cuddle in bed with me.

On one side of the coin - frustration that even though he has been having shorter naps and is tired, he won't even try to fall asleep at night. As well, with being back to work, there is not time for morning cuddles after 5:30 otherwise the schedule is screwed.

On the other side of the coin - he misses us a great deal during the day and has gone from 3 weeks 11/7 (11 waking hours) with Mom and Dad to only having 45 mins in the morning and 2 hours at night of waking hours. He is trying to get more time by staying up later and wants the interaction so badly he will accept the negative attention of us saying "back to bed". As well, we went from 3 weeks of cuddles on demand to very few cuddles and when he woke up from a bad dream and was offered comfort, he could not find the strength to let the cuddle go gracefully.

Does looking at the facts from one side or the other change the facts or change the things that must be done? No, bedtimes and morning routines need to be respected, but it does change the way I act in the moment. I can choose to act on my frustration or I can choose to act with firm compassion and love.

where are my tools?

If I ever wrote a book about getting married and having children at 40, I would call it "Where are my tools?" or an alternative "Do you have to breathe on me?"

Before Phil moved in, I was not the neatest housekeeper, but I could put my hands on everything I owned without issue. I owned some tools, basic tools, the kind you need around a house. I know we still have them but I have no idea where they are and have not had an idea for at least 4 years (we moved to this house 4 years ago). I think they are in the garage, in one of 10 cupboards that are inaccessible because of stuff piled in front of them. It is frustrating because so many of the boys toys need new batteries and all the cases are screwed shut and I don't know where the screw drivers are. I would love to make time to got to home depot or canadian tire and buy myself a small tool box with a few essentials and then keep it safe, somewhere I will always know where it is.

Adam woke up from a dream around 4 this morning and was quite agitated and came looking for me. He wanted to know how to get to the river, he told me he had tried to find it and couldn't. Of course, I was then awake until about 5:22 (alarm goes off at 5:30). Phil, however, blissfully fell back to sleep. But he was laying on his side and he was breathing on me - argh. I thought about getting up and moving to the couch, but if I did fall asleep, I would not hear the alarm in the bedroom. At that moment I understood the lure of separate beds - like on the Flinstones where Fred and Wilma had separate beds but yet still had a baby.

Sigh.

I love my husband, I love my boys, I love my life, but really where are my tools?

Quiet

I'm up before the rest of the house this morning - it is not too early, normal waking time, but without the alarm to wake Phil or the showers to wake the boys, they are still asleep. I lay in bed for a while, but my lower back was too sore to stay there any more.

I'm unhappy right now and not sure why. Is it that Monday I start working again and I my desk is not clean enough for me to actually work on? Is it the on-going struggle between working and staying at home with the boys? Is it the fact that the backlawn, well the whole yard really, is so poorly maintained that it is demoralizing to look out back? Is it the fact that my allergies have been in overdrive for at least 3 weeks and I can't remember the last time I woke up refreshed instead of struggling to breathe? Is it the fact that I'm 20 lbs overweight and so in active it is unbelievable? Is it that I just feel like there is no space for me anymore and wonder if I made a mistake in getting married? Is it that I miss Mike and Sam being next door and am not looking forward to living next door to renters? Is it that I did not get everything done in 2 weeks before holidays that would have allowed me to feel like I understood our finances and what our options are? Is it that I am just thinking too much?

So I sit quietly typing, listening to the deafening tick tock of our kitchen clock, scared to move, scared to make a coffee, scared to turn off the alarm system so I can go outside to weed because I don't want the rest of the house to wake up just yet.

I hope nobody reads this post, it is more than I really want to share since it is incomplete and does not capture all the joy and happiness that I have in my life, but I need to write it down to process it, to move forward.