Missed swim

Right now I should be in the pool swimming, and well, obviously it is not happening.

The boys came in every 2 hours last night so I ended up sleeping in. While technically I may have been able to get there in time, the 45 min later start threw me. I was going to drive to the pool on the other end of town rather than my normal pool. This added to the time crunch since the drive is about 10 mins longer each way.

I had my bathing suits on and was trying to find my ticket when my youngest got up early. I spent 5 to 10 mins with him which further pushed my time schedule. On a side note, my husband heard him get up but did not come out to deal with him, argh.

And why was I going to a different pool? Well with my parents looking after the boys this week, they are at the pool earlier, when I am normally their. As childish as it may sound, swimming is the only thing that is mine and I don't want to share it with them, or anyone really, that will impact my workout. Once they are there, I lose the ability to lose myself in my workout for so many complicated, silly reasons.

So today is not starting as well as I had hoped.

Yesterday I was thankful for having a functional home office, supper with the boys and hearing about their swim lessons and Lori being so accommodating when I was late for my appointment.

Emotional eating

For the first time in my life, I find myself being an emotional eater. It is a crazy war with myself that is raging on. On one hand, I want to eat well and have a house full of fruits and veggies at my disposal. Eating well makes me feel better, both physically and emotionally. It also helps me to combat my genetics of heart disease that usually appears during the 50's. On the other hand, there is the dark force that yesterday resulted in eating a tim hortons chocolate chip muffin, 3 chocolate bars, 2 ice cream bars and a bowl of sorbet. The sugar amplified my negative feelings, gave me a head ache and took all my energy. But what is driving the dark force within me? There are a number of contributing factors that have been part of my life for so long. I wonder if they have reached the tipping point to overwhelm my normally optimistic self. Those are things like not enjoying the eternal state of renovations we seem to be in, the crushing weight of the crap in our house, the endless list of tasks not getting finished, the continual struggle to find balance between motherhood, marriage, daughterhood, work and me-time. Or is it something new? Could it be Menopause playing havoc with my body and mind? Could it be the realization that I have become one of those "do-it-all" women who work full time, do the majority of the house/yard work and do the majority of the child raising? Could it be the intense loneliness I feel both at work and at home? What I know, intellectually, is that if I could just break through the dark force and make more good food choices than bad choices and get my daily exercise in, my mood would improve. I am turning to this blog to try and sort out and understand the dark force, so it may not be enjoyable reading for a while, but it is what it is. Yesterday I was thankful for going for a walk in the morning, my youngest wanting me to go with him on a post supper bike ride and finding the energy to make tomatoe sauce in anticipation of pasta for supper tonight.

Christmas 2011

I can't believe it has been over 5 months since I wrote something. Today I read an interesting article in the paper. The headline was "Have game plan to avoid holiday stress". Not sure what prompted me to read it. I don't really have any holiday stress since we did not travel this year. As well, these type of articles tend to be re-hashes of basic advice on how to survive the holidays. Maybe it was because I was tired that I read it in the hopes of something light.

Then I hit the two quotes from Dr Louise Nadeau that made me glad I read the article:

• "There's an obligation for happiness when in fact it's not necessarily linked to how people feel"
  
• "Some people would prefer to read a book at Christmas and not be with people with whom they don't share values or have discussions that really interest them"
  

It made me realize that if someone had been observing me for the last week, they would have a very skewed idea of what I like to do. It seems like it has been an endless parade of food preparation and cleaning up dishes (thank goodness for the dishwasher and the financial means to run it twice a day). It has been evenings of wishing I could do something else. It has been a slow decent in the semi - coma state that is brought on by too much chocolate and lack of exercise.

Don't get me wrong, there have been great moments like swimming with the whole family, skating with the boys, turkey dinner for 10, the delight of Christmas with my husband and sons. They are the overriding memories I am trying to store from this holiday season.

But there is a great deal of compromise and just straight up logistical support tasks required when there are 3 extra adults in your house, all of whom are related to you and all of whom you see infrequently. There is, indeed, an obligation for happiness.

Reading the article made me feel more "normal" in some way. I realized that I am not horrible for feeling like I do, wishing for some time alone when I know all too soon I will be on business travel, away from my family and missing them. But I have to be honest, i like to build a puzzle by myself at Christmas. I don't enjoy it nearly as much when doing it with someone else or watching someone else do it.

Thomas Land

We took the boys to Thomas land on Sunday. It is amazing the difference two years make. This time Adam wanted to try all the rides, so of course Alex wanted to try them all. The one they enjoyed the most was driving Terrence the Tractor. They got to press the gas and steer all on their own. The roller coaster was a mixed success. Adam really wanted to go on it and Alex was less sure. Then it turned out that Adam did not enjoy it and Alex loved it! It was an expensive day, but so worth the money.

Yesterday, we took the boys for a walk through Sutton Park to get to a play park. It was a long walk, probably 2 km. They whined a litle to start but once we got in the park, they really enjoyed the walk through the paths.

Today we are going to visit Phil's Grandmother.

The working afternoons/evenings is going well, so while I miss the boys, it is a good compromise of vacation and work.

Early mornings

The boys are up early today compared to the last few days, Adam at 5:30 and Alex at 6:00 compared to 8. I'm enjoying watching them play with their new toys they got while I was at work yesterday. Last night we went to Greg and Gemma's and had a nice visit. Today is a day of family visits. I need to make sure 2 things happen: I get out for my coffee and the boys get out to a park to play.

Vacation

Taking a few days off work - Canada day in the park, trip to visit the in-laws, seeing some friends, celebrating our 6th anniversary. We took the boys on the bike to the Canada Day celebrations. Adam thought riding on the copilot was the "awesomest". Alex is looking forward to when he is tall enough to ride that way, too. I am filled with joy these days. Still can't believe that my live has taken the turn it has. If I won the lottery, the only changes I would make would be:

Travel business class
Only take carry on luggage and buy what I need

Pretty small list I think.

The old and the new

Last night the ex-PMC people met nominally on the 4th anniversary of the shutting of the office. It was great to see everyone and once again I was amazed at how everyone landed on their feet after the office shut down. It is also interesting how things have changed. The office here is starting to grow again. I was disappointed initially that the timing meant I could not rejoin, but then I remembered that before the office was closed, I was considering leaving because it was time for a change. I have always believed you can't go back, as well, you can't hold on to the past.

So I'm excited again about my current job and will enjoy my trip to the client site this week. It means a chance to meet some new people, learn new technologies and be exposed to a different process to achieve that which I have achieved in the past. I like collecting new experiences.