This is a post that will likely never be published based on the number of start/stop/backspace combo's that have happened in the last 5 mins. There is also the sound of a child waking coming from down the hall so time is limited.

This past week I actually worked about 80% instead of my 60% and was at work all 5 days. When combined with a mid-week sick child and a husband on call who was gone for a good deal of Saturday, it results in me being sick and no groceries being bought. So now the pressing task this Sunday AM is to go grocery shopping.

But before the house wakes up and the day becomes a manic rush from one thing to the next, I could work on my how-to-quit-my-job strategy. I realized this week that I don't want to work where I am currently working, it has only been about 7 weeks, but it is not a good fit. It is funny, before kids I would have taken longer to make this decision. Now I am choosing to spend time at work rather than with my children. Given that is what I am choosing between, my work better be a source of joy and, on balance, a postive experience.

People before profit

Since starting back to work, I have more time to read - time on the bus to and from work, time alone pumping, time.

I read a really interesting article called people before profit. It was about the unique organizational structure and work environment at WL Gore - the company that developed Gortex.

A quote from some one who works there "But here it's about individuals and it's about trust. Which is why we have leaders and not bosses." Associates (and everyone is an associate) choose to follow leaders rather than having bosses assigned to them. They commit to projects of their own choice rather than having tasks delegated to them. There is a believe that in order to innovate, you need both time and trust. In fact, 10% of an associates time is set aside for project work separate from the day job.

It got me to thinking if I could work in such an environment. It is an interesting thought.

Reflections on going back to work

This was my first week back to work after being on mat leave since February. Instead of going back to the same job, I am starting a new job with a new employer. It was only 3 days, but it was a tough week.

The first day, my feet were killing me. It made me wonder if I had worn shoes at all while I was off work. By the end of the day, I had to have my shoes off and under my desk. My feet adjusted quickly and by the end of the week, my feet were back to normal. Still, I will have to book the appointment for the birthday pedicure Phil bought for me.

The change in routine was tough. Normally mornings with the boys was a relaxed affair and it was about a 90 min turn around time from the boys waking to leaving for childcare. On work days, it is now a 40 min turn around - no more playing trains, no more reading together, just a quick breakfast and gone.

The evenings have been tough as well. Phil has been getting home late this week, so I get home with the boys just before 5, and then it is the trick of making supper for the 3 of us while heating Alex's food and trying to feed him. Then it is bathing and a final nurse for Alex, followed by bathing and bed for Adam. Once they are down, then it is cleaning up from their day at childcare, cleaning up from supper, packing packs for the next day and doing any prep for the next day's supper that is possible.

It struck me that while so much as changed for women, Gloris S was right that the movement has not been successful yet. Instead of being equal in our responsibilities, most women are doing it all - working outside the home and then doing all (or most of) the child raising and housework as well. That has been our week. I'm here to say that it needs to change! I'm not sure what the solution is because it is not like Phil is off drinking with the boys, he is working to a schedule that is out of his control. But I do know I won't be able to (nor do i want to) keep this up. I also know the solution is not for me to quit working.

I have not even addressed the issue of pumping while at work since I would like to have Alex still having breast milk up to about 9 months. Between trying to find a place other than a bathroom stall and trying to find a time that works for my work schedule and my body, it was a demoralizing week. My pumping does not result in enough milk to meet his needs, so I have started to supplement him with formula as well. Nothing against formula, it was always the plan after 9 months. I do wonder how long I will actually pump before I give up.

It is an interesting journey trying to reclaim part of me now with 2 children and Phil having a more time and physically demanding job compared to when Adam was born.

Rainy days and kids

Today is a rainy saturday in october. I know rainy days are supposed to be more depressing than uplifting, but an unexpected walk in the rain with 2 children has a way to brighten the day. Eagerly lifting up a face to the sky with an open mouth to catch the drops, the giggles of delight at the way the rain tickles, the snuggling closer into Mom to share with her your delight.

Then when we get to the mall, the excitement continues. Riding the moving stairs and walking over the bridges. Seeing the toys in the store but never finding the elusive table where the trains can be played. Carrying a package for Mom. When a fun song comes over the loud speaker, dancing and laughing with delight.

Being out with the children makes me realize how much we self censor our enjoyment of the little things all around us as we get older, more jaded, more wordly. I realize now how short the time of wonder is and I hope that neither of my boys are cheated out of a second of knowing the wonder of the world around them.

Packing up clothes for the last time

I spent some time this morning cleaning out clothes to give away. Phil cleaned out his clothes on the weekend. I was struck by how hard it is to give away clothes sometimes.

First were the older clothes in the back of the closets. The skinny/fat clothes that all woman seem to have in their closets. As I folded the $20 dress I bought more than 10 years ago for a cruise that I was going on with some friends, I closed my eyes was back on the ship. The long days in the sun and evenings spent dancing and having fun all came back. The urge to hang up the dress that I know I will never wear again was very strong.

Then there were the maternity clothes. Realizing that I would never again know the joy of having a life growing inside me was a sad moment. The excitement and fear of meeting a new child all came back.

The packing up of the baby clothes was perhaps the hardest. I had to make a couple of trips into Alex's room to see my little baby to remind myself that giving away clothes for 6 month and younger children did not mean my babies had grown up yet.

It is odd how emotionally attached people become to things, like clothes. There are still more clothes to go through - all the sports t-shirts from fun runs and swim meets over the years. Hopefully they will be easier to sort through than the clothes that were in the closet.

Will writing it help?

So this entry is really a feel-sorry-for-myself-trying-to-sort-stuff-out entry.

It is turning into a tough day. Alex has slept through the night for 4 nights in a row so I'm getting some sleep. I had hoped that once I got a few good nights of sleep that my mood would brighten and some of my old productivity would come back. Alas, that is not happening.

Alex is trying to nap right now, slept for 45 mins and has been crying now for 45 mins. I would pick him up, but I know he is tired and would not be happy being up, but yet he is not happy being down. When he has naps like this (normally 2 times in a week) it is really tough for me to do anything. I can't concentrate, all I can do is sit and cry.


But back to being productive - there is so much to do, but I can't seem to do any of it. Everything I could do seems so futile and once done rarely leaves me with a sense of accomplishment. To declutter an area only to have it recluttered by the time I go to bed, to wash only to have it dirtied again, it is demoralizing.

Part of the issue is how much time i spend in the house - it feels more like a prison than a place of refuge. But right now for Alex I need to be here since he is starting to get this napping thing down and won't really nap anywhere other than a crib or a playpen. With the wasps being so aggressive, sitting out in the yard is not even an option for me right now.

When Alex is napping, I'm always on edge, waiting for him to cry or wake up so my attempts to do some programming or something that requires me to concentrate have left me feeling like a failure rather than energizing me. Starting an exercise program 2 weeks ago made me feel really bad about myself, not better.

I find myself wanting to go back to work now. I'm convincing myself it will all be better when I'm working, when in fact it will be worse since there will be less time to spend with my family and to get everything done than there is now.

I will be glad when this post partum bit is over (not wishing time to go faster) since I really want my old me back. I want to be able to make a list and then check off the things on the list. I want to stop crying and start living again. I want to start exercising again. I want to be happy - it has been a long time since I was happy.

ok, enough feeling sorry for myself, I will fold diapers and put away the clean clothes - maybe that will help me get going.

Wasps

I hate wasps - the flying stinging kind.

As a child I was not fond of anything that had the ability to fly and sting. My lack of fondness turned to hate the first time I was stung when I was about 25. My hate turned to fear when I had my first child.

My first sting happened while my friend and I were camping in the states and I felt something in my hair. Thinking it was a leaf, I lazily reached up a hand to wipe the offending object away. Imagine my shock at the sharp pain in my finger when it stung me. Knowing I was allergic to most types of bytes (and most of nature in general but that is a different blog), I took an anti-histimane and put some ice on my finger. I also had the foresight to take off my engineering ring. Within 10 mins, my knuckles were a distant memory and the swelling was moving up my arm. We went to the local ER and I paid a lot of money to have a stronger shot to control the allergic reaction. The Dr advised me since this was the reaction to my first sting, I should have an epipen with me.

My 2nd sting happened the year Adam was born. While at a neigbor's house visiting, I was sitting on the floor in the living room. I felt the sharp sting in my right calf (still have a vague purple mark after 2 years). I looked down and saw the wasp on the carpet. While relieved it stung me instead of Adam, I was still concerned. So I gave Adam to my neighbor and headed home to take an anti-histimane and ice while having my epipen close at hand. Lukily the reaction was not anaphylactic, but I did have a complete system reaction that lasted for about 3 days. It was like the worst flu I ever had - body pain, fever, a few hives and stomach issues.

My 3rd sting happened on Saturday, 2 days ago. Walking home from the grocery store with Phil and the boys, I noticed a large number of wasps flying low to the sidewalk. I picked up Adam and then about 2 steps later it stung me on the bottom of one of my toes. It was another block home so limping and holding Adam (Phil had Alex and the groceries) we made our way. Again, anti-histimane and ice. I am still limping since all the reaction seems to be localized to my toe this time (thankfully). My toe is huge and even putting on my shoes this AM was uncomfortable.

So Phil has been searching for wasp nests on our property and using Raid on any and all he finds. But there are still a large number swarming around our front door, so we are using the back door now. It is not wasp free in the back, but far fewer wasps. Poor Adam is so spooked by the wasps he could not even walk to the car, so I had to carry both him and Alex.

Finding myself trapped in the house like a prison of fear, I am looking forward to the cool weather that will cause the wasps to start their winter sleep. My Google search for info on wasps was not helpful since it only highlighted how many different types of waspy things there are and how there is not one solution for all types.

And since they like warm weather, I suspect with the climate change that is happening and the temperatures getting warmer, they will become worse. Now is the time for anyone reading this blog to invest in companies that produce epipens - I know I will need to get a new one soon since they seem to expire every 2 years or so.