A bad day

Today I was not a good Mom. Today I was perhaps the worst version of myself and my son, my beautiful son did not have a good day as a result. He is just trying to find his way, take control over that which he can have control. I actually don't mind, but i do mind the way in which the message is delivered - it is so whiny. Twice he has gone to bed crying and not understanding why Mommy is not smiling.

They were both on me all day and I reached my point of needing some space, of needing to be free, not for ever, but for an hour, a minute, for a breath.

Ok, we just had a hug and now it is better. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to be the Mom I want to be.

time alone

We are still on holiday in England. We have had some really busy days and some blissfully lazy days. The trip has included a trip to Cornwall, 2 trips to Thomasland, 3 trips to parks to play, a trip into Birmingham to visit the aquarium and a trip to the doctor for Adam.

While Adam has been a bit more whiny than I would like, there has been lots of smiles and laughter along the way with both boys. Phil has been sharing the work of looking after the boys needs and that has made my time fairly restful.

Today Phil and Adam are off with his Mom and Dad, Sister and her 2 children to go on an all day train ride. I am happily spending the day alone with Alex. He is napping right now, but when he gets up, we will walk to Tesco to get stuff for supper tonight and a coffee for Mommy. Then we can play and have lunch together. Oh, I think I hear him.

To be fair, it has not been a bad trip, but I am looking for to getting home next week.

Day before holiday

We leave tomorrow for our trip to England. This week we went shopping for some new shorts - it was demoralizing looking at myself in the mirror while changing. Then I went and bought 2 new bras a few days later and again, demoralizing. When we get back, I need to start in earnest. It can be small things - 10 mins of abs and strength exercises in the evening while watching TV.

Work is interesting - the potential of 6 months in Europe is interesting, but I am sure is like the lottery - likely not to happen. Then could I quit for a while and be a full time mom? Or maybe teach night school for a while and then maybe get into daytime teaching. A more family friendly job?

Quite a week

It has been a week since I have written. Since then:

- flew to Regina from Toronto and then drove home the same day with the boys
- took Alex to dr only to find 2 ear infections and pneumonia
- went to a wedding
- 2 nights debating if we should take Alex to emergency because of his fever
- Phil started back to work
- 2 more trips to doc office, one with Adam, one with Alex because of his body rash
- 2 runs and one bike ride
- bought a wii fit
- serious work on decluttering basement
- bought a MAC which should be delivered Friday or Monday
- did my travel claim and jun invoice

Hmm - all written out like that, it is no wonder I feel like I have been on the go even if I have nothing to show for it.

Best part - Alex is now feeling better and his rash is nothing to be concerned about according to the doctor.

Handing over work

Well in 24 hours I will be on my way to the airport (or may already be there, hmm, need to check my flight times).

I have lots of mixed feelings, but mostly shame at the work I will be handing over. This is not my best quality work, but perhaps I am not as good as I think I am. Perhaps this is my best, but I know that it is not good enough - sigh.

They have built a good testbench

I surprized at how demoralized David and Rob looked yesterday. They are in the part of the project that is tough for verifiers and there is a strong design personality who is a bit of an arse. They have been made to feel that their work is not good enough when in fact, it is very good.

They have built a really good, modular testbench that allows them to bring on contractors with language experience who can become productive within 10 days. That is huge. The main problem is the fact that there is one testbench and it is still evolving. So test keep breaking and there is churn. I wish they had gone with our recommendation to have modular testbenchs, but it is what it is.

So now I should be working to create a list of things I know I have not done - I will, but I wanted to read the paper and drink my coffee in peace first.

Supper with my friend

Last night I had supper with a woman who I was friends with in grade school. The last time we saw each other was the end of grade 8, so what, when we were 14? A full 30 years later we had supper and spent the evening chatting. It was an odd evening, but good. I am a person who lives where they are and I test the strength of a friendship not so much by how much we keep in touch, but on the type of conversation we have when we are face to face after a long period. It turns out she was a good friend. The years melted away and while there was some catch up talking, there was talking about how we were feeling now, what our current struggles are, what our fundamental beliefs are and how they have evolved. It was a conversation that was not just "do you remember when..."

I would love to take a page out of her book and modify it slightly. Every 6 months she re-invents herself (too complicated to explain in a few words in my blog). I will have to think about it a bit.

But today, this week, will be lots of work and I am a little anxious about this morning - meeting the xtremeEDA guys, handing over my work. It will be fine, but I just need it to get started.