Will writing it help?

So this entry is really a feel-sorry-for-myself-trying-to-sort-stuff-out entry.

It is turning into a tough day. Alex has slept through the night for 4 nights in a row so I'm getting some sleep. I had hoped that once I got a few good nights of sleep that my mood would brighten and some of my old productivity would come back. Alas, that is not happening.

Alex is trying to nap right now, slept for 45 mins and has been crying now for 45 mins. I would pick him up, but I know he is tired and would not be happy being up, but yet he is not happy being down. When he has naps like this (normally 2 times in a week) it is really tough for me to do anything. I can't concentrate, all I can do is sit and cry.


But back to being productive - there is so much to do, but I can't seem to do any of it. Everything I could do seems so futile and once done rarely leaves me with a sense of accomplishment. To declutter an area only to have it recluttered by the time I go to bed, to wash only to have it dirtied again, it is demoralizing.

Part of the issue is how much time i spend in the house - it feels more like a prison than a place of refuge. But right now for Alex I need to be here since he is starting to get this napping thing down and won't really nap anywhere other than a crib or a playpen. With the wasps being so aggressive, sitting out in the yard is not even an option for me right now.

When Alex is napping, I'm always on edge, waiting for him to cry or wake up so my attempts to do some programming or something that requires me to concentrate have left me feeling like a failure rather than energizing me. Starting an exercise program 2 weeks ago made me feel really bad about myself, not better.

I find myself wanting to go back to work now. I'm convincing myself it will all be better when I'm working, when in fact it will be worse since there will be less time to spend with my family and to get everything done than there is now.

I will be glad when this post partum bit is over (not wishing time to go faster) since I really want my old me back. I want to be able to make a list and then check off the things on the list. I want to stop crying and start living again. I want to start exercising again. I want to be happy - it has been a long time since I was happy.

ok, enough feeling sorry for myself, I will fold diapers and put away the clean clothes - maybe that will help me get going.

Wasps

I hate wasps - the flying stinging kind.

As a child I was not fond of anything that had the ability to fly and sting. My lack of fondness turned to hate the first time I was stung when I was about 25. My hate turned to fear when I had my first child.

My first sting happened while my friend and I were camping in the states and I felt something in my hair. Thinking it was a leaf, I lazily reached up a hand to wipe the offending object away. Imagine my shock at the sharp pain in my finger when it stung me. Knowing I was allergic to most types of bytes (and most of nature in general but that is a different blog), I took an anti-histimane and put some ice on my finger. I also had the foresight to take off my engineering ring. Within 10 mins, my knuckles were a distant memory and the swelling was moving up my arm. We went to the local ER and I paid a lot of money to have a stronger shot to control the allergic reaction. The Dr advised me since this was the reaction to my first sting, I should have an epipen with me.

My 2nd sting happened the year Adam was born. While at a neigbor's house visiting, I was sitting on the floor in the living room. I felt the sharp sting in my right calf (still have a vague purple mark after 2 years). I looked down and saw the wasp on the carpet. While relieved it stung me instead of Adam, I was still concerned. So I gave Adam to my neighbor and headed home to take an anti-histimane and ice while having my epipen close at hand. Lukily the reaction was not anaphylactic, but I did have a complete system reaction that lasted for about 3 days. It was like the worst flu I ever had - body pain, fever, a few hives and stomach issues.

My 3rd sting happened on Saturday, 2 days ago. Walking home from the grocery store with Phil and the boys, I noticed a large number of wasps flying low to the sidewalk. I picked up Adam and then about 2 steps later it stung me on the bottom of one of my toes. It was another block home so limping and holding Adam (Phil had Alex and the groceries) we made our way. Again, anti-histimane and ice. I am still limping since all the reaction seems to be localized to my toe this time (thankfully). My toe is huge and even putting on my shoes this AM was uncomfortable.

So Phil has been searching for wasp nests on our property and using Raid on any and all he finds. But there are still a large number swarming around our front door, so we are using the back door now. It is not wasp free in the back, but far fewer wasps. Poor Adam is so spooked by the wasps he could not even walk to the car, so I had to carry both him and Alex.

Finding myself trapped in the house like a prison of fear, I am looking forward to the cool weather that will cause the wasps to start their winter sleep. My Google search for info on wasps was not helpful since it only highlighted how many different types of waspy things there are and how there is not one solution for all types.

And since they like warm weather, I suspect with the climate change that is happening and the temperatures getting warmer, they will become worse. Now is the time for anyone reading this blog to invest in companies that produce epipens - I know I will need to get a new one soon since they seem to expire every 2 years or so.

Missing Person Report

I thought I would try my hand at a short story.

"Maybe I should file a missing person report" she thought as she sat at the breakfast table drinking her instant decaf coffee. Her husband had just left for work and both kids were noisily playing in the living room. The oldest was happily building a train track and chattering endlessly about the engines that would need to fill up their coal trucks. The youngest was rolling on the floor trying to grasp the bright toy that always seemed just out of his reach.

How would she describe the person who was missing? Fun loving, quick to smile, thoughtful, able to take delight in other's joy, loving - were these the right words?

When was the person last seen? That is hard to say exactly. They were definately around when she and her husband met. It was one of those chance meetings where everything clicks. When two people are both ready to take a chance at getting hurt again and let their hearts start silently reaching out to the new person they have just met. There was lots of laughter and joy.

The person was present at the wedding, they are in all the pictures and in her memory. They were also present at the birth of the her first son. But sometime after that, between that sunny April day and the grey August morning that was outside the broken dining room window, the person had left. Gone was the easy smile and the laugh of delight at the simplest of things. Gone was the joy that seemed to fill a room.

Just then her attention was caught by the two squeals of delight from her boys. Her oldest had built his first complete track and was excitedly racing his trains around it, proud of his ability to do with effort what was so easy for Mommy and Daddy. Her youngest had managed to grasp and hold the toy and was happily drooling on it. And the smile and laughter came back unbidden and joy filled her heart.

Perhaps she was not missing after all, just on vacation but would return soon to fully enjoy the new life she had built with man she loved.

Where to begin?

I often find myself searching for an outlet for my random thoughts, dreams and opinions. Perhaps this blog will be the outlet I'm searching for, perhaps not but it is worth a try.



Turns out that facing a blank dialog box for the first post is more daunting than I imagined. Where to start...a description of me, a random thought, an uninformed opinion? My backspace key is getting quite a workout today.



The Olympics are on and I am enjoying the CBC coverage. Between what they have on their main channel and live video feeds on their website, it is the most access I have had to sports I enjoy, ever. I am glad that CBC has the rights to the Olympics and not TSN. TSN is not in my cable package so I am missing CFL football this year, and my beloved Riders are doing so well!



Hopefully the swimmers for Canada are swimming drug free. They are making such huge improvements in time, it is hard to believe it is just down to the new swim suits. (there is a blog subject, the evolution of the racing suit is swimming)



Hopefully this blog will evolve and my writing skills will improve at the same time. If you read, thanks for reading.