Balancing work and being a Mom

Today is one of those days when the balance does not seem right. Is Alex sick? He certainly seems to be flirting with being ill. I got up with him 3 times last night for cuddles. He woke up one other time, but went back to sleep on his own. That is so unusual for him to wake up at all, let alone need cuddles.

But this AM he seemed ok, so I have taken him to childcare. He was so happy to see Anita, it broke my heart. She went on to tell me how they snuggle all the time - not realizing he does not do that with me. With anyone but me it seems. Damn, there are the tears I've been trying to hold back.

I took him cause I'm off to Toronto next week and have lots to do in the next 2 days to get ready. I hate that I'm too much of a coward to really try and be a SAHM. It seems I want it all and am having a hard time accepting I can't and a hard time living with the consequences of my decision to work, and to the decision to do this contract work.

It might just be the anxiety of the upcoming change in routine that is making me feel this way. Next friday is my last day for 5 weeks. I know in my heart I will be selfish and still take the boys to childcare for the majority of the time I have off. My justification will be that I want to really clean the house and there is lots of child unfriendly stuff to do. But tons of other people manage and I'm disappointed in myself that I can't seem to manage my time better.

How to feel like a bad mom in a few easy steps

1. Try and give your 3 year old a home haircut just before bathtime. Find yourself saying things that hurt your heart and you can't believe came out of your mouth

2. Drop your children off at childcare the next morning and have your 3 year old say "is this my home mommy?"

3. Pick up your 3 year old for his haircut at the barber (result of previous night's events) and not noticed the back of his pants are soaked with pee from when he used the potty on his own and things were not point correctly.

4. Have your child cry in the barber chair "no please Mommy, do it at home, I will be good now"

5. Bribe your child to sit still with sugar.

6. Drop your child back at childcare and then have your youngest come have a cuddle with you 'cause he thinks he gets to go with you this time, then leave both boys looking lost and confused.

Toronto - again

It looks like next week will be a trip to TO. While there is a part of me looking forward to it (and that is the part the will emerge once board the flight), there is another part of me that really really really does not want to go.

Phil has his last week of school next week and has 2 exams - his hardest module and the course the final. So of all the weeks for me to travel while he is back to school, it is the worst week. We talked it over and it makes more sense for the boys to go to my parents rather than my Mom come up.

I don't begrude my parents the time with the boys - I trust them completely. But I feel like I am shirking my responsibilites as a parent and a wife. It would be one thing if I was a single parent or our situation was such that we needed me to have this job. But I am not and we don't. I choose this job because I like it. So now my parents are having to pick up the slack created by my choice.

As well, I don't want to leave the boys - right now I am craving my time with them immensely. They change so much every day. Adam makes me laugh with his stories and his ennie meane miny moe. Alex loves being tummy tickled and eating my bagel in the morning. I will miss that.

This trip is another nail in the coffin for this type of work - it is not a good enough trade for me.

So many things - how to choose?

As I was riding home, I was trying to write a blog post in my head. I could not decide what to write about since there seemed to be so many potential topics:

- how hard the ride to childcare was this AM - a strong headwind, slight uphill, cool air temp (about 1 degree). A friend of mine often refers to the stong headwinds we always have as a Saskatchewan hill. On the way there, I was hard pressed to keep at 13 km/hr. On the way home, I was easily riding at 23 km/hr.

- how hard it was to leave the boys this AM - Alex had a meltdown over something, I'm not sure what, in the driveway at childcare. It made me feel terrible to leave him while he was angry and having a fit. When he does it a home, I don't interfere, let him have his fit and then cuddle him when he is done. But to actually leave him somewhere else and miss the calming down and cuddle bothered me. I hope it does not leave him feeling like it is not ok to be angry and to express his anger. I hope it does not make him fearful that I will leave because of his moods. This of course re-launched the whole debate in my head of should I be working or be SAHM for a while.

- how I wish the traffic lights that work on sensors had bike sensors. With out the bike carrier on the back, it was manageable to get onto the curb and push the walk button. With a bike carrier, it is not possible at most corners.

- the city is doing street cleaning in our neighborhood and had no-parking signs with the indication cars would be towed. Well they actually were towing cars this morning. I wondered what it would be like to come out and your car be gone - would you suspect the city actually did tow the car or would you wonder if it had been stolen.

In the end I could not choose so I did not explore any one topic fully and now it is time to work.

I think I can..

In university I learned that if I studied for an exam with the attitude "I can't learn this stuff" I usually did not learn it. However, if I approached studying with the attitude "I can learn this", I may not have learned enough to get 100%, but I certainly learned a fair bit.

So today I need to refocus myself on a problem I have been struggling with at work for 2 days. Last night I realized I was in the "I can't do this" mindset. So today, at the start of my work day, I want to say out loud and in print "This is tough, it will take time, but I can do this"

taking advantage of working from home

Normally I come home from dropping off the boys and head to the basement to work. After so many weeks of this, the basement now seems dark and cold and I dread going down.

Today, I am writing a document so I don't really need the big screen I have downstairs, my laptop is fine. So I decided to work upstairs in the sunshine and warmth.

I'm taking advantage of being upstairs to do some multitasking that does not happen when I am downstairs. Right now, I'm:

running a sim (to test a theory, not serious debug)
watering the back lawn
updating my blog
washing some clothes

It is too bad there is not a room upstairs that work as an office, but there isn't. I'm working at the dining room table which means that I have to take everything downstairs before the boys come home.

Oh well - sunshine and warmth are a welcome change today.

what if i were....

this morning I had a dentist appt. I knew there would be x-rays, no biggie. But then I realized I had not had a period in the last month. Intellectually I knew it was my IUD causing the lack of bleeding, but there was the irrational side of me that wondered if I could be pg again?

After the appt, I bought a test. From the time the thought entered my head until I took the test, I wondered what the impact would be of another little one.

I thought about the impact on the boys - how would they take another baby in the house?

I thought about the impact on my marraige - would we survive another year like 2008?

I thought about sleeping arrangements - would we need to move so each could have a bedroom, would 2 have to share?

I thought about what if we had a special needs baby - like before, it would have been ok.

I thought about work - one of us would have to quit working, would it be me?

I thought about the love.

By the time I took the test, I was ok if it was positive. Then the test was negative. No new little life inside me. I felt relieve but also a twinge of sadness.