Quite a week

It has been a week since I have written. Since then:

- flew to Regina from Toronto and then drove home the same day with the boys
- took Alex to dr only to find 2 ear infections and pneumonia
- went to a wedding
- 2 nights debating if we should take Alex to emergency because of his fever
- Phil started back to work
- 2 more trips to doc office, one with Adam, one with Alex because of his body rash
- 2 runs and one bike ride
- bought a wii fit
- serious work on decluttering basement
- bought a MAC which should be delivered Friday or Monday
- did my travel claim and jun invoice

Hmm - all written out like that, it is no wonder I feel like I have been on the go even if I have nothing to show for it.

Best part - Alex is now feeling better and his rash is nothing to be concerned about according to the doctor.

Handing over work

Well in 24 hours I will be on my way to the airport (or may already be there, hmm, need to check my flight times).

I have lots of mixed feelings, but mostly shame at the work I will be handing over. This is not my best quality work, but perhaps I am not as good as I think I am. Perhaps this is my best, but I know that it is not good enough - sigh.

They have built a good testbench

I surprized at how demoralized David and Rob looked yesterday. They are in the part of the project that is tough for verifiers and there is a strong design personality who is a bit of an arse. They have been made to feel that their work is not good enough when in fact, it is very good.

They have built a really good, modular testbench that allows them to bring on contractors with language experience who can become productive within 10 days. That is huge. The main problem is the fact that there is one testbench and it is still evolving. So test keep breaking and there is churn. I wish they had gone with our recommendation to have modular testbenchs, but it is what it is.

So now I should be working to create a list of things I know I have not done - I will, but I wanted to read the paper and drink my coffee in peace first.

Supper with my friend

Last night I had supper with a woman who I was friends with in grade school. The last time we saw each other was the end of grade 8, so what, when we were 14? A full 30 years later we had supper and spent the evening chatting. It was an odd evening, but good. I am a person who lives where they are and I test the strength of a friendship not so much by how much we keep in touch, but on the type of conversation we have when we are face to face after a long period. It turns out she was a good friend. The years melted away and while there was some catch up talking, there was talking about how we were feeling now, what our current struggles are, what our fundamental beliefs are and how they have evolved. It was a conversation that was not just "do you remember when..."

I would love to take a page out of her book and modify it slightly. Every 6 months she re-invents herself (too complicated to explain in a few words in my blog). I will have to think about it a bit.

But today, this week, will be lots of work and I am a little anxious about this morning - meeting the xtremeEDA guys, handing over my work. It will be fine, but I just need it to get started.

Balancing work and being a Mom

Today is one of those days when the balance does not seem right. Is Alex sick? He certainly seems to be flirting with being ill. I got up with him 3 times last night for cuddles. He woke up one other time, but went back to sleep on his own. That is so unusual for him to wake up at all, let alone need cuddles.

But this AM he seemed ok, so I have taken him to childcare. He was so happy to see Anita, it broke my heart. She went on to tell me how they snuggle all the time - not realizing he does not do that with me. With anyone but me it seems. Damn, there are the tears I've been trying to hold back.

I took him cause I'm off to Toronto next week and have lots to do in the next 2 days to get ready. I hate that I'm too much of a coward to really try and be a SAHM. It seems I want it all and am having a hard time accepting I can't and a hard time living with the consequences of my decision to work, and to the decision to do this contract work.

It might just be the anxiety of the upcoming change in routine that is making me feel this way. Next friday is my last day for 5 weeks. I know in my heart I will be selfish and still take the boys to childcare for the majority of the time I have off. My justification will be that I want to really clean the house and there is lots of child unfriendly stuff to do. But tons of other people manage and I'm disappointed in myself that I can't seem to manage my time better.

How to feel like a bad mom in a few easy steps

1. Try and give your 3 year old a home haircut just before bathtime. Find yourself saying things that hurt your heart and you can't believe came out of your mouth

2. Drop your children off at childcare the next morning and have your 3 year old say "is this my home mommy?"

3. Pick up your 3 year old for his haircut at the barber (result of previous night's events) and not noticed the back of his pants are soaked with pee from when he used the potty on his own and things were not point correctly.

4. Have your child cry in the barber chair "no please Mommy, do it at home, I will be good now"

5. Bribe your child to sit still with sugar.

6. Drop your child back at childcare and then have your youngest come have a cuddle with you 'cause he thinks he gets to go with you this time, then leave both boys looking lost and confused.

Toronto - again

It looks like next week will be a trip to TO. While there is a part of me looking forward to it (and that is the part the will emerge once board the flight), there is another part of me that really really really does not want to go.

Phil has his last week of school next week and has 2 exams - his hardest module and the course the final. So of all the weeks for me to travel while he is back to school, it is the worst week. We talked it over and it makes more sense for the boys to go to my parents rather than my Mom come up.

I don't begrude my parents the time with the boys - I trust them completely. But I feel like I am shirking my responsibilites as a parent and a wife. It would be one thing if I was a single parent or our situation was such that we needed me to have this job. But I am not and we don't. I choose this job because I like it. So now my parents are having to pick up the slack created by my choice.

As well, I don't want to leave the boys - right now I am craving my time with them immensely. They change so much every day. Adam makes me laugh with his stories and his ennie meane miny moe. Alex loves being tummy tickled and eating my bagel in the morning. I will miss that.

This trip is another nail in the coffin for this type of work - it is not a good enough trade for me.