Finding Joy - day 1

Today I resolve to find joy in two places. Yesterday I found it having supper with the boys. We were assigning each other fake names from their favorite tv programs.

I may also start working on a new contract today, which would be helpful for my concentration. It is funny how I often long for time to just learn, but when I had it, it was demoralizing,

Yesterday I did two things: decided to prioritize my exercise over everything else and I self medicated my anger with chocolate. I'm not proud of the chocolate eating. I was trying to give it up again. It was not a craving, though, that I gave into. Instead it was searching for a way to not feel anger. I was hoping the chemical reaction would help. It did a little, but not enough to be with the upset stomach!

My right arm hurt this morning

I have been angry alot lately - angry at my kids for not listening, angry at my Mom for not having boundries, angry at my husband for not helping more around the house, angry at me for not having more grace and coping skills. Angry that the house is in a state of reno's and disarray. Angry that even without reno's, the house is never free from clutter. If I'm truthful, angry at the weather not cooperating with my desire for spring and warmer weather.

But then this morning after dropping the boys off the boys, when I got home, I realized my right bicep was sore, not a sore I could explain nor ignore. It made me realize that if I have my Dad's genes, I am due a heart attack in the next 10 years. All his siblings had one in their early 50's, Dad had his at 54. I don't want to have a heart attack. I want to stop being angry and just be. I want to let the situation wash over me and be not become emotional about the behaviour of other people or all the other things I can't control like, like the weather.

Is this menopause? I don't have the hot flashes, but I have anger.

Another Year??

Wow, I just realized I did not blog once last year, not once. It is crazy how quickly time passes. It was an odd year, one with 6 months of house guests.

I started the year working at Superstore and ended it working at IRD as a Project Manager. Some days it is better than others.

Ran a 1/2 marathon in Vegas in Dec.

I guess there is lots to say about where I am now and what thoughts run through the head when I'm letting my mind drift.

15 mins of CBC radio

The mornings I swim, I listen to CBC radio on the way to the pool from 5:45 to 6:00. It is always off beat.

Two days ago, they were talking about SAHM who can make money by blogging. Of course I thought all day about how I could increase our income from blogging. Well, given how long it is between my posts, I can't see how I could make enough money to even buy a weekly coffee.

I marvel at the ability of people who can be prolific on blogs. The discipline to write down and organize one's thoughts has eluded me. I enjoy writing and have ideas, but I lack the commitment to write down my ideas in any coherent fashion.

Blog writers are like radio announcers with the luxury of do-overs. They seem to have endless sources of ideas that extend beyond themselves and their own life and experiences. The ideas seem to flow from them like a river.

But the struggle to write this short post drives home how I will need to keep my day job since blogging won't be a revenue source in my near future.

what do I want to be when I grow up?

I really thought at the age of 44 I would know the answer and be settled into a career path. Looking back on my work life, there have already been 3 career changes, although all 3 had a quasi common theme of technology. I find myself at the cross roads again.

I love verification, but the prospects of finding job that keeps in this same town are small. I have set an arbitrary deadline of end of Dec and hence taken the part time job as a stop gap to allow me to wait that long.

I'm good at critical analysis, programming, system engineering, project management and general management. However, I'm sure for most of those moves to local companies, it would mean being willing to start over, possibly as a junior again. Not sure if I could do it gracefully, especially if I worked for an idiot.

I spent sometime working on my resume last few weeks and it is now in good shape, but I have not sent it out yet. Hopefully I can meet with my former boss (who I would like to consider my mentor) and talk through some stuff with him next week.

What I want to try and avoid is making a quick decision and then wanting to change my mind shortly into it. I would like to try and find something that fits that I can stay with for a long haul. I would like to only have 4 career changes in my life, not more than 4.

Jacksoul

I read about Haydain Neale (lead singer of Jacksoul) passing away yesterday from lung cancer. He was only 39 and left behind a wife and child.

I'm not normally a person to grieve the passing of an entertainer I never met, no matter how talented they are. But as I listen to his music while I type this, I grieve. His music has been the sound track to many moments in my life - my refuse through bad relationships, my strength when I was weak, my joy when filled with happiness.

I only saw them perform live once - at a jazz festival in 2006, just after my oldest was born. My husband, new son and I went to the park so we could hear them perform. When I close my eyes and bring the day/evening back to my mind, my body is filled with a light, a warmth of love. In those moments dancing with my son and husband, we were pure love and Haydain's voice provided the soundtrack to yet another special moment in my life. I will cherish that memory always.

Stuff and such

Not sure where to start. It was a fun weekend with my husband and my boys. Last swim lessons for the boys on Saturday. It is amazing how much progress both made, but I would be very surprized if either choose swimming as their thing when they grow up. In a way, I hope they don't since it is my thing and I think they deserve their own path. Not worried about it all and will just be happy if they are happy.

We also went to the museum and I let my oldest have the money for the cookies. For the first time, he got to order the cookies and pay all on his own - he was so proud of himself. It was also a baking weekend and he helped me make banana muffins - again he was very proud of himself.

Today I start a part time job - there are 4 evenings of training this week and then my first shift is on Friday. I am hopeful that it buys me the time I need to either wait for a verification job or make a considered decision about changing careers. We have been on a "spending diet" since the beginning of November which has had a side effect of doing proper meal planning and eating better so we are both starting to lose weight. It is almost time to start making a workout plan since I am now feeling fit and would like to continue to make fitness gains.