Overheard conversations

Yesterday while waiting for Phil and this morning on the bus I overhead conversations between engineering students.

The first was 2 men and 1 woman (boys & girl really). The conversation seemed to be soley based on what biotches the girlfriends of these 2 boys are and how immature they behave. The girl was doing her best to get the "dump them" message across, but the boys had excuses to not break up with their girlfriends, but never did I hear the 2 most likely reasons to stay together:
- love
- fear of being alone.
After 10 mins of waiting, I wanted to yell out DUMP THEM but luckily Phil pulled up. We had a good chuckle in the car.

This morning one the discussion was about grades received and comprehension of the course material - in that they both felt like they did not understand the class they took and both received marks in the low 70's for. This converstation made me start thinking about regrets I had about classes I had taken and if I had a do-over, what would I try and change. Here is my incomplete list:

1. Paid attention to E&M theory more closely and tried to learn it, not just pass.
2. Taken VSLI course(s) instead of the heavy power courses.
3. Taken the time to learn the discrete math required to really understand the complexity of digital design.
4. Take the 5 year combined EE/comp science program instead of the 4 year EE program alone.
5. Followed my passion for control systems theory into the systems modeling world.

Short list, but the first 3 have had far reaching effects into my career and later into my Masters program. They also stop me from ever considering going for a PHd since I do not have faith in my ability to pass the comprehensives.

I should go find the first 2 boys and tell them to dump the girlfriends and focus on understanding their classes and not just passing.

the black around the edges

Interesting. I have missed my last 2 runs and with the way the city has done some recent snow clearing, I will likely miss my run today. Now around the edges of my mind is a darkness that I feel like I'm pushing back. The closest description is when you stare at something so long that it starts to lose focus and then your vision starts to get smaller with an increasing black edge. Could my grip on sanity be so slim right now that missing 3 runs is all it would take to be back in a spot I don't want to be?

Home show weekend, and starting tonight Phil will be busy and i will be a work widow until Monday. He went out last night after the boys went to bed to have a few drinks for St Patricks day. I'm glad he went out even though I did not do anything productive with the time alone.

Now that I am settled on next Friday being my last day, it is tough to be motivated at work. I've started to tell people outside my direct chain of command, not sure if that fits the culture of secrecy and information being power, but meh.

Right, off to fold the boys clothes and start getting ready for the day.

11 min post

ok, it is 5:49 and I have 11 mins to post before I need to start getting stuff ready for the day. Today I choose to write in my blog rather than on the Mommy board, mostly cause I'm all over the place mentally and some of it is black, or blue really.

Yesterday I missed my run because what should have been a 10 min haircut for Adam turned into battle royal and lasted 45 mins of him screaming and crying. Sigh, Phil was getting mad, Adam was distraught and I was, well, confused at best. We finally got it done, sort of, it really is the worst haircut ever. I hope he does not get teased at childcare today. But that was my run time gone because Alex woke up early from his morning nap. Missing my run made me want to cry, in fact, there was more than once I had tears in my eyes through the day. It took all my mental energy to be even tempered.

On the work front, I spoke to my brother for some advice. He asked one question that allowed me to make up my mind - who is the financial safety net right now in our house? Well that is me for the next little while. When Phil goes back to school this fall for more training, then he will get EI and we can't live on just one EI. Well, we could, but I don't want to if we have a choice. So I am going to ask for a Leave of Absence, pay the 4 months of benefits so we have dental and health care and then see what is what in 4 months. He also made a good point about having a lower stress job while my kids are younger rather than a "high power" job. He has 4 kids and we have a similar outlook. He told me of his regrets and from him, that was powerful.

ack 2 mins left. Tomorrow Alex is 1. When I think about how quick my labour was (1st contraction just after 5:30 PM, Alex born at 8:20 PM) and how I did it with out any drugs, I am amazed. One year later, i am also thankful that we have 2 wonderful little boys who laugh more than cry. I love how Alex has helped Adam be more confident to explore and be a child. I love how Adam looks out for Alex. I love.

Leaving this job

I have started the process to leave by talking to my boss this morning. I could not bring myself to tell her about the potential of working for Intellon, rather I told her about how my work/life balance is breaking me. Not a lie, but not the whole truth either. My work/life balance is breaking me and there have been many days when I feel like I just can't do it today.

I am hoping that working from home will help a little - I can prepare supper during my lunch break and do the odd load of laundry during the day. It also will save me some commute time. On the down side, it will upset my fragile routine of running and take away my friday afternoon grocery shop.

My boss suggested thinking about a 4 month leave of absence instead of quitting. It actually may be a good way to go. It would allow me to do the work for Rob through the summer and give me the option of coming back here if the contracting really does not work out or I can't find another job.

It does not look like I can work a deal to contract under Xtreme EDA, which is a bit of an issue for me and I suspect Claude. He does not support me doing the work if travel is a non-starter. While I understand his position, it is where I am at and Phil&I are willing to take the chance on this one contract.

I would love to talk to Doug and find out what potential there is with his group and determine what he work would actually be. I would also love to talk to Vecima and find out what they have going on.

But ultimately, I want to support Phil and his career change. I made the commitment and I want to stand by it. Returning to Xtreme with no travel restrictions would not be supporting him.

Tuesday Night

It is time for bed after a long day, well honestly a late night on Sunday. We went to the Eagles concert and did not get to bed until after 12:30. Phil went to Regina today and was up at 4:30. I had just enough sleep by that point to not be able to get back to sleep, so I was up as well. Now it is 9:30 and I'm tired and soon to go to bed (Phil is already in bed).

I have decided that I'm quitting my job sooner rather than later. I knew I would not last long but I wondered what the trigger would be. Two things really:

- attending a mgt meeting while my boss was gone let me see just how dysfunctional and divided our management team really is

- the almost call that would have completely undermined my role as PM and discounted the value of our procurement team. While I was able to stop the call, I found out by accident and now believe that the same sort of thing will happen again.

Working with Rob again would be interesting, but I'm curious about Doug's opportunity and potential with Vecima. If nothing happens with Rob in the next 2 weeks, then I will probably stick it out to end March while I am looking elsewhere.

I so dislike the job and realize that while it serve a purpose in getting me out of the PPD space, it is not somewhere I can linger. My boss will not take this too well, but I can't let myself stay and be brought down just because I like and respect her.

It's Friday!!!!!

I don't want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day.

Funny how an advertizing slogan will stay in your head. It has been years since I have seen an add this jingle, but yet I can't get the tune out of my head.

Feeling Alone

I wonder if everyone feels alone and a wee bit isolated or if it just part of my personality?

For as long as I remember, I have always had the feeling that people don't really like me, they just are too polite to tell me to piss off. Before Phil, I only had one romantic relationship where I felt accepted for me. All the rest, the work was in trying to figure out how to behave so that the other person would like me and want to be around me. With Phil, I have always felt like he likes me for who I really am (you know, he may not like parts of me, but on the whole, he likes me).

But even with my friends, there have only been a few female friends that I have felt really like me - and right now there are none in my day to day life. I find it tough to make friends since I am always feeling like I am intruding.

The stupidest thing triggered this line of thought, but hopefully it will go away soon. If not, I can just remove the trigger from my life.

But for now, it makes me feel very alone and loney.