Who Am I???

A few weeks ago I was walk/running 3 times a week, gradually increasing my run times and was on the right path.

Now, when I should be running to work, I am eating McDonalds - what the hell happened? I have not run in weeks, or done anything remotely active. Sure, I could blame the cold snap and state of the sidewalks (thanks to the city of saskatoon's fantastic road clearing efforts) but the old me would have found a way to be active, especially with the proximately of the gym at work and the lack of work to keep me employed.

Instead I have chosen to fall into a haze of chocolate and feeling bad about myself. I have no energy, mostly because I am 20 pounds heavy and am eating like crap. If I saw me from the outside, I would be disgusted enough to eat differently than the person I was observing.

This has to change and it has to change now!

Quiet quiet quiet

I'm at work right now and am struck by how quiet it is in my office that I share with 4 other people. One would think that 3 project managers and a group manager would make some noise, but not here.

I have a number of questions out to people that are not getting answered. When I asked the questions early last week, there was time to incorporate their responses into useful work. Now there is not time. I have 3 hours today and 2 more days work left. It is impossible for me to move forward on the projects and now all I can do is try to leave good notes.

I've done PM jobs before in other places - a person is normally over taken by communications but not here. It is partially culture, it is partially structure. My role has separated the business analyst from the PM. But without a dedicated business analyst, the projects move so slowly that it is difficult to PM well, at least it is difficult for me to PM well.

In preparing my performance review notes, i did my own self assessment to try and improve. I need to network more with the managers, both in my group and outside my group. At least 2 days a week I should be meeting with someone just to find out what they are up to and to let them know what my projects are doing. I also need to manage the director better, find out where his boundaries are, not allow him to cut me, or other key people out. I need to commit to changing the culture to become one that is more inclusive and less exclusive.

It is amazing to me that days can go by at work and I don't talk to anyone - sigh.

Well, back to my document, one section left and then on to learning a new tool.

A quick coffee and a post

This is homeshow weekend and I have been on single parent duty since Wednesday night. It has not been too bad except for 2 things:

1) my eczema on my hand that had almost cleared up is quite sore with the double bath duties and extra handwashings from more diaper changes
2) laundry did not get done and I have no clothes for tomorrow.

The boys are napping and there is about 30 mins left in my quiet time. I thought I would have a quick coffee and then start getting supper prepared. Opps, just heard a thud - means Adam will be up sooner than I expected.

What I wanted to say was how much my parenting book reading has helped. There were few points this weekend when the boys were on my last nerve. I decided to view their behaviour as childhood exploring rather than defiance. Instead of fuming and being angry, I made myself laugh, gave them a hug and told them I love them. It was amazing how the energy in the situation changed. So 3/4 of a weekend and no tantrums, and lots and lots of laughter, kisses and hugs.

Overheard conversations

Yesterday while waiting for Phil and this morning on the bus I overhead conversations between engineering students.

The first was 2 men and 1 woman (boys & girl really). The conversation seemed to be soley based on what biotches the girlfriends of these 2 boys are and how immature they behave. The girl was doing her best to get the "dump them" message across, but the boys had excuses to not break up with their girlfriends, but never did I hear the 2 most likely reasons to stay together:
- love
- fear of being alone.
After 10 mins of waiting, I wanted to yell out DUMP THEM but luckily Phil pulled up. We had a good chuckle in the car.

This morning one the discussion was about grades received and comprehension of the course material - in that they both felt like they did not understand the class they took and both received marks in the low 70's for. This converstation made me start thinking about regrets I had about classes I had taken and if I had a do-over, what would I try and change. Here is my incomplete list:

1. Paid attention to E&M theory more closely and tried to learn it, not just pass.
2. Taken VSLI course(s) instead of the heavy power courses.
3. Taken the time to learn the discrete math required to really understand the complexity of digital design.
4. Take the 5 year combined EE/comp science program instead of the 4 year EE program alone.
5. Followed my passion for control systems theory into the systems modeling world.

Short list, but the first 3 have had far reaching effects into my career and later into my Masters program. They also stop me from ever considering going for a PHd since I do not have faith in my ability to pass the comprehensives.

I should go find the first 2 boys and tell them to dump the girlfriends and focus on understanding their classes and not just passing.

the black around the edges

Interesting. I have missed my last 2 runs and with the way the city has done some recent snow clearing, I will likely miss my run today. Now around the edges of my mind is a darkness that I feel like I'm pushing back. The closest description is when you stare at something so long that it starts to lose focus and then your vision starts to get smaller with an increasing black edge. Could my grip on sanity be so slim right now that missing 3 runs is all it would take to be back in a spot I don't want to be?

Home show weekend, and starting tonight Phil will be busy and i will be a work widow until Monday. He went out last night after the boys went to bed to have a few drinks for St Patricks day. I'm glad he went out even though I did not do anything productive with the time alone.

Now that I am settled on next Friday being my last day, it is tough to be motivated at work. I've started to tell people outside my direct chain of command, not sure if that fits the culture of secrecy and information being power, but meh.

Right, off to fold the boys clothes and start getting ready for the day.

11 min post

ok, it is 5:49 and I have 11 mins to post before I need to start getting stuff ready for the day. Today I choose to write in my blog rather than on the Mommy board, mostly cause I'm all over the place mentally and some of it is black, or blue really.

Yesterday I missed my run because what should have been a 10 min haircut for Adam turned into battle royal and lasted 45 mins of him screaming and crying. Sigh, Phil was getting mad, Adam was distraught and I was, well, confused at best. We finally got it done, sort of, it really is the worst haircut ever. I hope he does not get teased at childcare today. But that was my run time gone because Alex woke up early from his morning nap. Missing my run made me want to cry, in fact, there was more than once I had tears in my eyes through the day. It took all my mental energy to be even tempered.

On the work front, I spoke to my brother for some advice. He asked one question that allowed me to make up my mind - who is the financial safety net right now in our house? Well that is me for the next little while. When Phil goes back to school this fall for more training, then he will get EI and we can't live on just one EI. Well, we could, but I don't want to if we have a choice. So I am going to ask for a Leave of Absence, pay the 4 months of benefits so we have dental and health care and then see what is what in 4 months. He also made a good point about having a lower stress job while my kids are younger rather than a "high power" job. He has 4 kids and we have a similar outlook. He told me of his regrets and from him, that was powerful.

ack 2 mins left. Tomorrow Alex is 1. When I think about how quick my labour was (1st contraction just after 5:30 PM, Alex born at 8:20 PM) and how I did it with out any drugs, I am amazed. One year later, i am also thankful that we have 2 wonderful little boys who laugh more than cry. I love how Alex has helped Adam be more confident to explore and be a child. I love how Adam looks out for Alex. I love.

Leaving this job

I have started the process to leave by talking to my boss this morning. I could not bring myself to tell her about the potential of working for Intellon, rather I told her about how my work/life balance is breaking me. Not a lie, but not the whole truth either. My work/life balance is breaking me and there have been many days when I feel like I just can't do it today.

I am hoping that working from home will help a little - I can prepare supper during my lunch break and do the odd load of laundry during the day. It also will save me some commute time. On the down side, it will upset my fragile routine of running and take away my friday afternoon grocery shop.

My boss suggested thinking about a 4 month leave of absence instead of quitting. It actually may be a good way to go. It would allow me to do the work for Rob through the summer and give me the option of coming back here if the contracting really does not work out or I can't find another job.

It does not look like I can work a deal to contract under Xtreme EDA, which is a bit of an issue for me and I suspect Claude. He does not support me doing the work if travel is a non-starter. While I understand his position, it is where I am at and Phil&I are willing to take the chance on this one contract.

I would love to talk to Doug and find out what potential there is with his group and determine what he work would actually be. I would also love to talk to Vecima and find out what they have going on.

But ultimately, I want to support Phil and his career change. I made the commitment and I want to stand by it. Returning to Xtreme with no travel restrictions would not be supporting him.