weekend ups and downs

This was a mixed bag weekend. I so wanted to write this AM when I was feeling down, but there was not time.  Now I feel better, so my desire to write is less, but I want to record some feelings in case this is something more than a bad day and the start of something I need to address.

I saw a person running by our house this AM - a sunny crisp morning. I almost cried and I definitely felt bad about myself.  Shortly after that I went for my shower and did start to cry when I saw myself in the mirror.  I have fat in places I did not think I would ever get fat.  It is not the fat in itself that bothers me - it is the fact that I am not being active.  I let my bad weather derailment of a few weeks ago turn into the end of my running.  

Gone is the feeling that I will be able to get back into being active.  It has been replaced with a feeling of complete failure.  

Then, this morning, the feeling of failure started to generate other negative thoughts/feelings and before I knew what had happened, I was blue, really really blue.  I started to feel like a bad mother who did not appreciate her boys, feeling like a wife who takes her husband for granted, a person incapable of keeping a promise to herself so therefore incapable of being able to keep a promise to others.

Phil could tell it was going bad in my head and we ended up going for a walk, which allowed me to verbalize what was going on.  We came up with a plan for the week, so I will try to start again.

The day ended well, we had friends over for supper which was nice.  I will have to write about our neighbors moving and how much I don't want them to go, but this has been long enough.

The tantrum

ok - trying to write a blog post while watching the final ER show is tougher than I thought it would be. Everytime someone dies, I start to cry. Now I am thinking that every major character is about to meet an unfortunate end so I can hardly watch, but I can't turn it off either.

Adam had a doozy of a tantrum tonight - he has found his voice and is no longer scared to use it. I am proud of him for starting to stand his ground, I know that we have had an easy time of it up until now. But I suspect that things are about to change and I will have to really step up and be a Mom.

My biggest concern is my own stubbornness. In the face of his tantrum, I could feel myself starting to dig in and it took me a while to try a different approach that would still allow the teeth to be brushed but give him some control over the situation. I need to learn to be KIND as well as firm. The firm is not a problem, but sometimes the kind is - I turn into Capt Patterson and essentially force march him to do my bidding. That is not right.

I am also concerned with the timing of my upcoming business trip. With Adam's tantrums, and Phil and I both going away, I don't want him to feel like he is being left with my parents because of his behaviour. We will have to start talking the trip up and the fun he will have granny and grandad.

I almost cry everytime I think about leaving my boys for a week with neither of us around. I'm going to be a wreck by the time I leave. I know they will be fine, I know it is healthy for them to spend time away from us. But I know I feel selfish because I'm looking forward to the trip and some time away.

I'm not the Mom I thought I would be, nor am I really the Mom I want to be. But as with most things in life, I am doing my best, and it is all I can do. There is no perfect when it comes to parenting, there is only love.

Working from Home and children

Well, Adam did get an eye infection. Saturday night his eye was red and watery so Sunday morning Phil took him to the doctor. Adam has been great about getting the drops in his eyes - it is only twice a day so it is not too much for him. But it did mean 48 hours where he could not go to childcare.

We debated the pros and cons of Phil taking time or asking my Mom to come up. In the end, we asked Mom and she came up on Sunday on the last bus. I do find it hard to concentrate with them upstairs all day. Every time Alex falls or Adam laughs, my mind starts to wander. I don't think I could be a WAHM with the children around.

I feel bad that I am not more gracious with my Mom, but some times her efforts to help create either more work for me or result in significant disruption to the household. She came up on short notice (2 hours) and spent all day with the children. But then after supper (which is a bit of a witching hour at the best of times), she started washing the dishes. She does not use a dishwasher at home, so instead of putting the pots and dishes in the dishwasher, she washed them. She wanted to be helpful, but the result was not enough dishes to run the dishwasher (only the breakfast and lunch dishes were in there) and now there are not enough bottles for today. It upset me because I have asked her repeatedly not to wash the dishes until I have had a chance to load the dishwasher first (I use to ask her not to wash the dishes, but I have come to realize that she likes doing it, so I have stopped asking). I tried to not be upset, because she was so great all day with the children and her heart was in the right place, but she knows me well enough to know when I am upset. Then she felt bad and tried to make it up to me, which made things worse because then I felt like a spoiled brat.

Really, I just want to be nice to my Mom cause she is wonderful and I love her. Family is so hard sometimes.

eye infection

sigh - I have been fighting one since Thursday. I tried the over the counter drops, but today it started to weep, so I went to the doctor and got stronger drops.

I have been trying to be so careful with washing my hands and not touching my eye with my bare hands, but alas, tonight Adam's eye was red. We have tried putting in an over the counter drop, so hopefully that will help stop it before it starts. I don't want the boys to get eye infections for so many reasons - mainly I just don't want them to be sick. But also selfish reasons. Adam had pink eye at 7 months and man, was it hard to get drops in his eyes. I don't really want a repeat, only timex 2. As well, I start a new job on Monday and with eye infections, it is just not right to send them to childcare. I would either need to take time off or ask my Mom to come help. Even that would be tough since I am working at home now and the boys would constantly be within hearing distance and I find it hard to concentrate.

Who Am I???

A few weeks ago I was walk/running 3 times a week, gradually increasing my run times and was on the right path.

Now, when I should be running to work, I am eating McDonalds - what the hell happened? I have not run in weeks, or done anything remotely active. Sure, I could blame the cold snap and state of the sidewalks (thanks to the city of saskatoon's fantastic road clearing efforts) but the old me would have found a way to be active, especially with the proximately of the gym at work and the lack of work to keep me employed.

Instead I have chosen to fall into a haze of chocolate and feeling bad about myself. I have no energy, mostly because I am 20 pounds heavy and am eating like crap. If I saw me from the outside, I would be disgusted enough to eat differently than the person I was observing.

This has to change and it has to change now!

Quiet quiet quiet

I'm at work right now and am struck by how quiet it is in my office that I share with 4 other people. One would think that 3 project managers and a group manager would make some noise, but not here.

I have a number of questions out to people that are not getting answered. When I asked the questions early last week, there was time to incorporate their responses into useful work. Now there is not time. I have 3 hours today and 2 more days work left. It is impossible for me to move forward on the projects and now all I can do is try to leave good notes.

I've done PM jobs before in other places - a person is normally over taken by communications but not here. It is partially culture, it is partially structure. My role has separated the business analyst from the PM. But without a dedicated business analyst, the projects move so slowly that it is difficult to PM well, at least it is difficult for me to PM well.

In preparing my performance review notes, i did my own self assessment to try and improve. I need to network more with the managers, both in my group and outside my group. At least 2 days a week I should be meeting with someone just to find out what they are up to and to let them know what my projects are doing. I also need to manage the director better, find out where his boundaries are, not allow him to cut me, or other key people out. I need to commit to changing the culture to become one that is more inclusive and less exclusive.

It is amazing to me that days can go by at work and I don't talk to anyone - sigh.

Well, back to my document, one section left and then on to learning a new tool.

A quick coffee and a post

This is homeshow weekend and I have been on single parent duty since Wednesday night. It has not been too bad except for 2 things:

1) my eczema on my hand that had almost cleared up is quite sore with the double bath duties and extra handwashings from more diaper changes
2) laundry did not get done and I have no clothes for tomorrow.

The boys are napping and there is about 30 mins left in my quiet time. I thought I would have a quick coffee and then start getting supper prepared. Opps, just heard a thud - means Adam will be up sooner than I expected.

What I wanted to say was how much my parenting book reading has helped. There were few points this weekend when the boys were on my last nerve. I decided to view their behaviour as childhood exploring rather than defiance. Instead of fuming and being angry, I made myself laugh, gave them a hug and told them I love them. It was amazing how the energy in the situation changed. So 3/4 of a weekend and no tantrums, and lots and lots of laughter, kisses and hugs.