weekend ups and downs

This was a mixed bag weekend. I so wanted to write this AM when I was feeling down, but there was not time.  Now I feel better, so my desire to write is less, but I want to record some feelings in case this is something more than a bad day and the start of something I need to address.

I saw a person running by our house this AM - a sunny crisp morning. I almost cried and I definitely felt bad about myself.  Shortly after that I went for my shower and did start to cry when I saw myself in the mirror.  I have fat in places I did not think I would ever get fat.  It is not the fat in itself that bothers me - it is the fact that I am not being active.  I let my bad weather derailment of a few weeks ago turn into the end of my running.  

Gone is the feeling that I will be able to get back into being active.  It has been replaced with a feeling of complete failure.  

Then, this morning, the feeling of failure started to generate other negative thoughts/feelings and before I knew what had happened, I was blue, really really blue.  I started to feel like a bad mother who did not appreciate her boys, feeling like a wife who takes her husband for granted, a person incapable of keeping a promise to herself so therefore incapable of being able to keep a promise to others.

Phil could tell it was going bad in my head and we ended up going for a walk, which allowed me to verbalize what was going on.  We came up with a plan for the week, so I will try to start again.

The day ended well, we had friends over for supper which was nice.  I will have to write about our neighbors moving and how much I don't want them to go, but this has been long enough.