Last Day in Toronto

Last full day in Toronto. It should be a good day - lots of thinking about how to effectively implement a way to model the effects of the channel onto the data being input to the DUT. I know, a bit nerdy, but it is exciting to me.

Talking to the boys last night was tough, and not just the technical problems with congested networks. Alex seemed upset at being able to see me on the computer, hear my voice, but not be able to touch me. Adam took it a little better, but it seemed like his emotions were close to the surface. I know that when I see them on Friday, there will be crying. Their emotions will overwhelm them and they likely won't be able to handle them. I am preparing that they will be angry and standoffish, but I am hoping for the endless cuddles that sometimes accompany high emotions.

While I am looking forward to seeing the boys and Phil, I will miss the morning runs that I have been able to do the last couple of days. Next week, I will have to make sure that I start my morning workouts after I drop the boys off - go for 30 mins on MWF and try yoga on T & Th. It does make a difference to my mental health and my productivity. Maybe this "start again" will take. If I can get to the 4 week point (2 more weeks) then I will feel like I'm on track.

Morning Run

The thing I most love to do for me is workout in the morning. Since I'm away from home, I took advantage this AM and went for an early morning run through the streets of downtown Toronto.

The city was just starting to come alive while I was out. The quiet along the waterfront and the shape of the masts of the tallships slowly gave way to the noise of light traffic, the grey of the city concrete and the looming buildings that populate the city center. The lights in the office buildings allowed me to see the morning cleaning crews getting the spaces ready for a new day of work. Early morning office workers with their shoulders hunched against the wind made their way down the large, mostly empty sidewalks. The fresh smell of baking and coffee combined with the left over scents of cigar smoke. With every step, I felt the energy and the optimism of what the day could be start to build inside me.

Now from the window of my hotel, I can see the blue of harbour a few blocks from my hotel. The traffic is heavier now and soon I will get my coffee as I walk into the office to start working. But the feeling of energy and optimism will last for most of the day and that is why working out in the morning is my favorite me time activity.

Did I give up because it was hard?

Today I spent most of the day trying to get to Toronto. Saskatoon was fogged in so my plane was over 3 hours late leaving. I finally got here and got 2 hours of work in. I should be working right now (and will start soon) but I also have not had much chance to write.

The boys are with my parents. I know that they will have a blast this week - swimming, shopping, playing outside, being made to be the center of my parents world. So I am not worried or feeling bad about leaving them there for the week.

On the plane, I watched Marley and me. There is a scene where the husband and wife are fighting shortly after the birth of their 2nd child. After the fight they actually start talking. The entire sequence could have been taken from our life late last summer/early fall. In the movie, the wife tells the husband how much she has given up of herself and how lost she feels and it was so much harder than she ever thought it could be. He suggests that they get some help and she tells him that she does not want them to be the parents that only see their children for an hour a day and on weekends. She tells him that she is not going to give up just because it is hard.

I started to cry.

Last summer, it was hard. I gave up and went back to work letting Anita (who the boys love) take over the raising of our children.

Is it all or nothing? Must I work like I do for it to be enough for me to be balanced or, given time, can I find the joy in being a SAHM that so many woman seem to be able to find?

There is no right answer.

The power of underwear

I thought using cloth diapers on the boys would help with the toilet training since they would feel the wet against their skin more so than with the disposable diapers. When Anita suggested moving to underwear would help with Adam's toilet training, I did not see what it would gain us. I mean if he could not tell he was peeing in the diapers, then what difference would underwear make. Well on Sunday when the pee was running down his leg, I realized it really was different. 3 days later, he is well on his way again.

On a different note - I love the contract work I am doing! The thrill of sorting through compile errors, finding deviations from specifications and making the required changes - I love being a test engineer. The only down side, and it is small, is working in my basement. The basement is not well heated and sits at about 16 degrees. When I am moving around, no big deal. When I am sat in front of the computer for 8 hours - it gets pretty cold.

Stubborn begets stubborn

Alex has started expressing his dislike of certain activites with vigor. Diaper changes are a given, but there are other random things that make him open his mouth and scream. He starts off by turning his face up to the sky and closing his eyes. If that does not work, he starts to scream and finally will cry (big fake cry).

It is funny to watch him go through the stages.

He reminds me of my parents description of me at that age - sigh. Adam was so easy going - luckily I knew that and appreciated it. There are no free rides this time.

weekend ups and downs

This was a mixed bag weekend. I so wanted to write this AM when I was feeling down, but there was not time.  Now I feel better, so my desire to write is less, but I want to record some feelings in case this is something more than a bad day and the start of something I need to address.

I saw a person running by our house this AM - a sunny crisp morning. I almost cried and I definitely felt bad about myself.  Shortly after that I went for my shower and did start to cry when I saw myself in the mirror.  I have fat in places I did not think I would ever get fat.  It is not the fat in itself that bothers me - it is the fact that I am not being active.  I let my bad weather derailment of a few weeks ago turn into the end of my running.  

Gone is the feeling that I will be able to get back into being active.  It has been replaced with a feeling of complete failure.  

Then, this morning, the feeling of failure started to generate other negative thoughts/feelings and before I knew what had happened, I was blue, really really blue.  I started to feel like a bad mother who did not appreciate her boys, feeling like a wife who takes her husband for granted, a person incapable of keeping a promise to herself so therefore incapable of being able to keep a promise to others.

Phil could tell it was going bad in my head and we ended up going for a walk, which allowed me to verbalize what was going on.  We came up with a plan for the week, so I will try to start again.

The day ended well, we had friends over for supper which was nice.  I will have to write about our neighbors moving and how much I don't want them to go, but this has been long enough.

The tantrum

ok - trying to write a blog post while watching the final ER show is tougher than I thought it would be. Everytime someone dies, I start to cry. Now I am thinking that every major character is about to meet an unfortunate end so I can hardly watch, but I can't turn it off either.

Adam had a doozy of a tantrum tonight - he has found his voice and is no longer scared to use it. I am proud of him for starting to stand his ground, I know that we have had an easy time of it up until now. But I suspect that things are about to change and I will have to really step up and be a Mom.

My biggest concern is my own stubbornness. In the face of his tantrum, I could feel myself starting to dig in and it took me a while to try a different approach that would still allow the teeth to be brushed but give him some control over the situation. I need to learn to be KIND as well as firm. The firm is not a problem, but sometimes the kind is - I turn into Capt Patterson and essentially force march him to do my bidding. That is not right.

I am also concerned with the timing of my upcoming business trip. With Adam's tantrums, and Phil and I both going away, I don't want him to feel like he is being left with my parents because of his behaviour. We will have to start talking the trip up and the fun he will have granny and grandad.

I almost cry everytime I think about leaving my boys for a week with neither of us around. I'm going to be a wreck by the time I leave. I know they will be fine, I know it is healthy for them to spend time away from us. But I know I feel selfish because I'm looking forward to the trip and some time away.

I'm not the Mom I thought I would be, nor am I really the Mom I want to be. But as with most things in life, I am doing my best, and it is all I can do. There is no perfect when it comes to parenting, there is only love.