To My Mom

Thank you for teaching me how to be a Mom to my boys. 

They were both sick last night and today.  I spent many hours through the night holding one, or both, in dark bedrooms and bathrooms, listening to them struggle with breathing and swallowing.  I spent most of the night on Adam's bedroom floor, his fevered little hand clutching mine.

I thought of all the times in my life I have been sick, and even now, my Mom is there for me.  As a child, it was letting us sleep in their bed (poor Dad was kicked out), it was hours of being held, it was our favorite foods for meals, it was never having to say when I felt bad and needed a cuddle, it was her looking at me and knowing.  As we got older, it was having a bed made up on the couch and the treat of a new book to read, or a new activity book or a magazine.  Now as an adult it is being my Mom over the phone and giving me the the sympathy I want (but often don't need) for being sick but still having responsibilities that don't allow me to give in.  It is always provided in one simple phrase "oh my darling" said in a tone that allows me to feel her cool lips on my fevered forehead.

I know I have my issues with my Mom, but I love her more than words can express and now that I am a Mom, I am understanding on a deeper level the love she has for me and sacrifices she has made to do what she honestly believed was best for us in every situation.  

People can not be perfect but my Mom's love for her children is as close to perfection as anything I can think off.

Will it always be overwhelming?

Something inside me snapped a little last night when I surveyed the mess that was my kitchen. DH is at school for 8 weeks for trades training, so now he is home most days around 3:30 or 4, which means he is willing to make supper again (yeah). But when I looked at the kitchen, I was not so sure how helpful it really had been. We had pasta with meat sauce. He had also stewed up some fruit that I had bought for stewing. The result was a full dishwasher and 5 pots (and other stuff) to handwash, sauce stains on the counter, cooked fruit to put away, and lots of general cleaning up (since he does not seem to be able to put away the stuff he uses).

I was grateful that he wanted to help and know that the transition to him taking over supper prep will be rocky, but something snapped and I became blue.

Then last night, Alex and Adam tag teamed waking every 90 mins, each time needing a diaper change and a cuddle (I think they both have spring colds). DH slept through it all.

This morning, my house looks like a windstorm has swept through it and yet I still have to put in a full day's work on my contract job since I'm falling a little behind on deliverables.

I hate how the feeling of being overwhelmed comes upon me with the abruptness of turning off a light - no gradual build up, no chance to mitigate, just boom.

It is Adam's last day at gymnastics and I forgot to mention it to Anita. I really don't want to go, but I am sure the guilt I would feel would not be worth missing it. I had better call her.

Allergies or strep?

The allergy season is here - sigh. Every year my first allergy attack is the same, yet every year I seem to forget how bad it is. My head is a fog right now, the effects of the anti-histimines and I have had to take the day off work since my fatigue is so bad. I will likely work a bit, but not charge anytime.

My throat is tight and I spent a good deal of Saturday wondering if I had developed strep throat. That has become the way of my first allergy attack - a tightning of the throat. It scares me a little. I have had 2 experience of anaphlactic shock in response to allergy shots. I remember well how my throat felt and my inability to communicate what was happening to me.

Then there is the low grade fever where I just can't get warm enough. That came on Saturday evening. All day Sunday I felt torn between putting on a sweater and taking off my clothes. I had to nap on Sunday, I could not go on. Finally Sunday afternoon I went to the drugstore. I was still undecided if my throat was strep or allergies. But then I realized that when I would breath in through my nose, I could feel the air moving down my throat. Then someone walked by who had a strong perfume scent. Breathing in the perfume made my throat tighter immediately and I became more confident that allergies were the cause of my problem.

Today, I'm not sure again, is it Strep (hope not, don't want to expose the boys) or is it allergies (my throat is still tight after taking anti-histimines). I do know that I am sick today, can't think, still have fever chills and a vague all body sensation.

I know most people don't have allergy symptoms like this, but I have in the past. When I was stung by a wasp in 2006, I had a similar whole body reaction to the sting - it was like a sudden onset of a flu. That is how I felt yesterday and seem to feel today.

Ok, more anti-histimines and I will try to work a little.

Three Little Boys and Me

My friend is taking some training this week which made it tough for her to get her little guy to/from childcare. She is a recent single Mom and her little guy is about 6 months younger than Adam. Since the boys go to the same childcare, she asked if I could take her son as well during her course.

So my drives to childcare the past 3 days have been so much fun - the 2 older boys are in the back row and laugh and make noises at each other the whole time. Alex is in the middle and whenever there is a lull in the back row "conversation", he makes a noise that can most closely be described as him trying to say zoom repeatedly. The drive home has been the same.

Next week all goes back to normal, but it has been fun these last 3 days.

My friend is most likely moving this summer. Adam will definately miss her little guy.

Short sighted government - argh

Yesterday I heard on the radio that the Sk government intends to break it's campaign promise on environmental legislation and will align with the useless policies being proposed by the federal conservatives. There reasoning is that we can't afford to be aggressive with environmental policies with the current economic situation.

Today, they announced that utility rates would be going up for the next decade to pay for new infrastructure building. Something about we needed to realize we could not burn cheap coal forever.

I'm dumbfounded.

How do they not understand that the current economic situation is nothing compared to what will happen when we start seeing larger and larger diasters as a result of the climate change that is upon us? Is it because we have not suffered like other parts of Canada and the world have that they are so blind to what is happening?

I seriously want to go off grid now. I don't want to pay an increasing amount to support an energy system that is not commited to making changes that will reduce the total amount of greenhouse gases being emitted!

20 Apr - 3 years in review

My alarm was set for 5:30 this morning, but I woke up before it went off with an odd feeling. I looked at the clock and it was 5:20 and suddenly I was taken back in time to 3 years ago, 2006, when I woke around 5:20 with an odd feeling.

That morning I got out of bed, which was an effort because I was 8 month and about 20 days pregnant. I got to the bathroom and before I could close the door, I was standing in a pool of water - my water, it had broken.

I called to Phil, who was still sleeping, and he woke with a start. I convinced him to have his shower and call our parents to let them know that things had started and we would call them later. It was over 24 hours later (8:21 AM on 21 Apr) that Adam came into the world and I will write the whole story later. But on that 20th of April, the sun was warm, Phil and I went for walks while we waited for labour to start and it was magical. It was the perfect transition day.

The next April 20th, 2007, was not as sunny or joyful. We were dealing with the emotional and physical realities of a miscarriage. My precious baby boy Adam was so sick he was not eating. There was no sun, there were only clouds, tears and a loneliness that defies words.

April 20th 2008 was a haze for me. Alex was just over 4 weeks old and we were just entering the phase where the lack of sleep starts to tell on the parents. I have vague memories of taking the boys for walks and laughter. I don't know if it was a sunny day in reality, but in my memory, it was full of sunshine and laughter and little boy hugs and kisses.

Today, it a warm sunny day and for the first time in 3 years, I am not dealing with the arrival, or realizing that there would be no arrival, of a new life. I am glad it is sunny and I went for a run. It makes the slight sadness of knowing I will never have an April 20th 2006 ever again much easier to put in perspective.

Supper at a bar

Today I stopped at an Irish Pub for supper. As is my normal custom, I found myself watching the crowd.

There were a lot of men in suits talking about the things you talk about - work, the economy, sports. Most looked like they were avoiding going home. Perhaps some had empty homes, perhaps some had families that were more than they could face.

There were a few tables of women. One was a party of some sort - gift bags, laughter, smiles. One was a table of young women who were likely doing the same thing the men were doing - avoiding going home. Replacing the quiet lonliness of a quiet home with the noisy Irish pub.

There were a few couples. Some were meeting after work to have supper before going home. Some were on vacation or days off having a supper after a long day of shopping and/or sight seeings. Then there was the one that made me wonder if they were having affair. He had a wedding band, she did not. There was much laughter and smiles. It was when he answered his cell that I started to wonder. She got quiet and her whole face and body language changed. While she did not move from her chair, she was suddenly a stranger sinking into the crowd, as if not wanting people to see them together. Then he hung up and they each took a drink, followed by her placing a hand on his arm. They decided they had time for another drink and became the couple that I saw when i first spotted them, laughing and smiling. I hope they were nothing more than old friends or family or coworkers having a drink, but it was her disappearing during the phone call leaves me with sad doubt.