20 Apr - 3 years in review

My alarm was set for 5:30 this morning, but I woke up before it went off with an odd feeling. I looked at the clock and it was 5:20 and suddenly I was taken back in time to 3 years ago, 2006, when I woke around 5:20 with an odd feeling.

That morning I got out of bed, which was an effort because I was 8 month and about 20 days pregnant. I got to the bathroom and before I could close the door, I was standing in a pool of water - my water, it had broken.

I called to Phil, who was still sleeping, and he woke with a start. I convinced him to have his shower and call our parents to let them know that things had started and we would call them later. It was over 24 hours later (8:21 AM on 21 Apr) that Adam came into the world and I will write the whole story later. But on that 20th of April, the sun was warm, Phil and I went for walks while we waited for labour to start and it was magical. It was the perfect transition day.

The next April 20th, 2007, was not as sunny or joyful. We were dealing with the emotional and physical realities of a miscarriage. My precious baby boy Adam was so sick he was not eating. There was no sun, there were only clouds, tears and a loneliness that defies words.

April 20th 2008 was a haze for me. Alex was just over 4 weeks old and we were just entering the phase where the lack of sleep starts to tell on the parents. I have vague memories of taking the boys for walks and laughter. I don't know if it was a sunny day in reality, but in my memory, it was full of sunshine and laughter and little boy hugs and kisses.

Today, it a warm sunny day and for the first time in 3 years, I am not dealing with the arrival, or realizing that there would be no arrival, of a new life. I am glad it is sunny and I went for a run. It makes the slight sadness of knowing I will never have an April 20th 2006 ever again much easier to put in perspective.